Please, I am in need of some helpful, constuctive advice, and kindness would be appreciated, I am low enough already, not to need a further kicking! I have namechanged just for this but have been here for yonks. And for the avoidance of doubt and openess, I am male. And neurodivergent.
This weekend I have lost a friendship, am feeling lost, bereft, almost bereaved, having lost someone loyal, trustworthy and one of the few people to have ever entered my life who has absolute integrity, honour and loyalty. And there is a correlation with my partner of 18 months, whose behaviour and decorum I am starting to question. Almost asking myself if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My partner and I are diametricaly opposed in terms of our personalities and attitudes to things - I am very quiet, reserved, introspective, very androgenous, most definitely not overtly masculine, very sensitive and emotional wheras my partner is loud, boisterous, very social, drinks, gambles, swears, all things which are anathema to me. Please, I am not seeking to tear her to shreds here, or belittle her in any way - we are just very different! But, I find her behaviour, toward me, undermining, belittling, destructive to my already low self confidence and lack of belief in myself.
She frequently criticises my manner of dress, the way I speak and the language I use, calling me 'stuck up', a snob and pompous.
Criticises my appearance, saying that I look old for my age and calling me 'fatty' even though I have told her I don't like it - we are both carrying a little extra weight.
Is promiscuous, in that she openly flirts in front of me, encourages and seeks out male attention.
Frequently questions my previous relationships, particularly the physical side of things, which I would rather leave in the past. At the same time goes into quite graphic detail about the good sex she has had in the past, the fact that she has had more sexual partners than me, repeatedly refers back to incidents in the past which I really don't need or want to know about, knowing that I find it hurtful, emasculating and almost cruel. My libido has actually fallen off a cliff, partly because of this.
Lacks any kind of filter or boundary, is rude and bossy to the point of being bullying, is proud of her rudeness and 'telling it like it is', but, by the same token, is very sensitive about her own lack of education, ability to articulate well, poor memory, scattiness and slightly chaotic, disorganised lifestyle.
Never compliments me, boosts my confidence or even tells me, voluntarily, that she loves me, only 'love you too' as a response when I tell her how much I love her.
Calls into question my ability as a professional horticulturalist, despite making use of me every weekend to help in her garden, or that of her mum, son, daughter and her sisters.
Despite all this, I love her, don't want to change her, but would like to be treated with more respect and not feel that I am constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of expressing my thoughts or feelings in case of her reaction. If I do, I get told to stop being so sensitive, 'man up', take it on the chin and that she is only joking.
Written down, it seems as though I am pathetic, weak and cowardly, possibly I am! I am aware of the 'freedom programme' and Lundy Bancroft's work 'why does he do that?', but presume that this is aimed primarily at women and not men.
Sorry it is so long, but I am in turmoil and this is cathartic. Thoughts please