Please help me see the wood for the trees

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Please, I am in need of some helpful, constuctive advice, and kindness would be appreciated, I am low enough already, not to need a further kicking! I have namechanged just for this but have been here for yonks. And for the avoidance of doubt and openess, I am male. And neurodivergent.

This weekend I have lost a friendship, am feeling lost, bereft, almost bereaved, having lost someone loyal, trustworthy and one of the few people to have ever entered my life who has absolute integrity, honour and loyalty. And there is a correlation with my partner of 18 months, whose behaviour and decorum I am starting to question. Almost asking myself if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My partner and I are diametricaly opposed in terms of our personalities and attitudes to things - I am very quiet, reserved, introspective, very androgenous, most definitely not overtly masculine, very sensitive and emotional wheras my partner is loud, boisterous, very social, drinks, gambles, swears, all things which are anathema to me. Please, I am not seeking to tear her to shreds here, or belittle her in any way - we are just very different! But, I find her behaviour, toward me, undermining, belittling, destructive to my already low self confidence and lack of belief in myself.

She frequently criticises my manner of dress, the way I speak and the language I use, calling me 'stuck up', a snob and pompous.

Criticises my appearance, saying that I look old for my age and calling me 'fatty' even though I have told her I don't like it - we are both carrying a little extra weight.

Is promiscuous, in that she openly flirts in front of me, encourages and seeks out male attention.

Frequently questions my previous relationships, particularly the physical side of things, which I would rather leave in the past. At the same time goes into quite graphic detail about the good sex she has had in the past, the fact that she has had more sexual partners than me, repeatedly refers back to incidents in the past which I really don't need or want to know about, knowing that I find it hurtful, emasculating and almost cruel. My libido has actually fallen off a cliff, partly because of this.

Lacks any kind of filter or boundary, is rude and bossy to the point of being bullying, is proud of her rudeness and 'telling it like it is', but, by the same token, is very sensitive about her own lack of education, ability to articulate well, poor memory, scattiness and slightly chaotic, disorganised lifestyle.

Never compliments me, boosts my confidence or even tells me, voluntarily, that she loves me, only 'love you too' as a response when I tell her how much I love her.

Calls into question my ability as a professional horticulturalist, despite making use of me every weekend to help in her garden, or that of her mum, son, daughter and her sisters.

Despite all this, I love her, don't want to change her, but would like to be treated with more respect and not feel that I am constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of expressing my thoughts or feelings in case of her reaction. If I do, I get told to stop being so sensitive, 'man up', take it on the chin and that she is only joking.

Written down, it seems as though I am pathetic, weak and cowardly, possibly I am! I am aware of the 'freedom programme' and Lundy Bancroft's work 'why does he do that?', but presume that this is aimed primarily at women and not men.

Sorry it is so long, but I am in turmoil and this is cathartic. Thoughts please

@Mmhmmn, interesting question! Do I really love her or, because of the attachment issues I just mentioned. Do I think I do or feel I should? I know that I am heavily enmeshed with her family, particularly her mum, who I adore, and who cooks me Saturday soup, curried goat, saltfish and ackee, plantain, cassava and all sorts of other wonderful meals every weekend and is possibly a substitute for my own mum...

What you have is an attitude to love problem. Love should be conditional on the person you love making you feel better and enriching your life. You think you love, but if you're hanging around still, while being someone's emotional or physical punchbag, you are not in love with the person, you are addicted to hopes of an imaginary version of them that does not exist.
Every bad thing she has done to you should be putting you off her each time, it's not, because you are hanging onto an idea that ' love conquers all' which is total BS.
If your life now is worse than it was 18months ago, before you met her, then the worst that can happen by dumping her is to get back to that.
Perhaps examine why you seem to have gone unconditional with your love. Is she your first love? Have you lost so much self worth that you think she is the best you can get - she's not! Anyway, sounds like nothing, and having your friend back in your life, would be a far happier outcome.

Does she treat you like your Mum did/does?

@Ahwhatthehell, yes, you are correct, it has crept up on me slowly. When I ask her what the attraction is for her, her response is 'you are a nice, kind man, who wouldn't want to be with you?', but no mention of love, desire or attraction. And, at the risk of sounding conceited, I think I am so radically different to the men she is used to meeting in bars, pubs, at the races etc, that she doesn't qui!te know what to make of me. Or my neurodivergence, which I have been very open about and have tried to explain to her - I get very emotional about it and have, on several occasions, broken down in tears and been called 'childish' or a 'wet lettuce' - not very helpful to one who struggles with self confidence, or the lack of!
And, yes, J has probably got frustrated with me, because I have been unable to break away, despite the fact that it is, as I recognise myself, a destructive situation for me

@Stratocumulus, thank you, yes, I do take solace in nature, I live in the middle of nowhere, 4 miles from the nearest town, surrounded by fields, trees, green open spaces, living things - my happy place! And my little cottage wraps its arms around me, hugs me and makes me feel welcome every time I walk through the door! I share my life, and my home with my bees, chickens and all the animals, birds and insects which call it home too. And my biggest passion is growing and nurturing living things.

I suspect that I am not cut out for intimate relationships, much as I am tactile and love physical touch and crave it. I have never been very sexually driven and even wonder sometimes if I might be asexual, but the thought of a life without a partnership is horrific. I am 60 now, have actually spent much of my life alone, though I have had previous relationships, but face the prospect of a lonely old age!

My apologies to everyone who has been so kind and helpful - my intention this weekend was to spend it working on renovation of my house, but, instead, I have been hosting a one man pity party, mooning about, feeling lost and kidding myself that I am just being kind to myself by doing nothing except navel gaze, reflect and internalise my thoughts and feelings.
I know that I need to snap out of it, take some drastic action to remedy things and possibly even seek professional guidance, CBT or suppport to get out of this treacle mine which I seem to be stuck in!

Thank you all for your thoughts, advice, comments and forebearance

@DracunculusVulgaris
You have 2 choices stay with her and be miserable or develop a bit of a spine and leave. She won't be unhappy that you are leaving; she will be unhappy that she will have to find a new target.

You will leave when you become sufficiently unhappy or she will leave you when she tires of you. The only question is how much self respect do you have?

the thought of a life without a partnership is horrific

Why? What would happen to you?

@Watchkeys, nothing fatal, or life threatening, would happen to me, granted, but, having spent much of my life alone, and lonely, and craving intimacy, and with no close family, it isn't really a very happy prospect! Dichotomy though it is, since I am quite solitary and prefer small groups or one to one situations with quiet and thoughtful people, I deserve to be loved, desired and cared about just as much as anyone else and to share my life with someone who I love and who reciprocates thst love.

To answer your earlier question, my mum was quite cold, hard, unemotional - and an alcoholic to boot, which is why, although I am not teetotal, I am very wary and cautious around alcohol and those for whom it forms a large part of their life and influences their behaviour. My dad was different, a very compassionate, and caring man who was a huge advocate and ambassador for those in trouble or need. Sadly he focussed heavily on those outside the family and neither my siblings, or myself, received much attention, love or affection from either of our parents

How are you internally when things go wrong, @DracunculusVulgaris ? What sort of things do you say to yourself if you mess up? What sort of things do you internally say to your partner when she hurts you?

Thank you for your response @Watchkeys, when things go wrong I have a tendency to be a guilt catcher, to blame myself always, to 'rubbish' myself and feel that I am useless, unaccomplished, a human disaster area, but, I am also a fighter and not a quitter, and if I fall off the horse, I jump back into the saddle, so to speak. So I am surprised at what I have allowed to happen. I don't feel resentment toward my partner for the loss of my friendship with J, she is not responsible for it, but possibly partly the catalyst for it, although I am primarily the one who is the architect for it and orchestrated it, unwittingly, by not realising how much anxiety it was causing J.

When my partner hurts me I internally berate myself for being weak, not standing up to her and saying "this is unacceptable and I deserve better than this" and "if it carries on I will walk away". Both her previous long term partners did exactly that - the second one telling her that "it is ALWAYS what you want and I won't tolerate it any longer". She told me this herself @Watchkeys, and seemed quite proud of it!
Just as an example, a couple of weeks ago she asked me if I had ever got anything out of my previous relationships and I answered honestly, saying that "of course, it wasn't all negative, love, affection and feeling wanted, at least until things went wrong". That did not go well! She told me to get away from her and gave me the cold shoulder for a day. So I am wary of saying anything to her for fear of her reaction

I think you would be much more happy, and much more free without the horrid presence of this woman.
The way you describe your home, your animals and your friend "J" makes me happy.
You would be so so much happier in the company of yourself, your animals and your lifelong friend rather than this situation you've sadly found yourself entangled in.
I hope you find the courage to let go. You will flourish again.

@DracunculusVulgaris

You sound like a wonderful man;
thoughtful, kind, calm, insightful, clever, loving. Everything that I would love my son to be as an adult.
Do not put yourself down or label yourself.
It is clear your friend J values you and can see these wonderful qualities (as can all of the PP's on this thread)
The world truly needs more men like you.

please release yourself from your toxic relationship, you are not a good match at all.
You deserve a like minded woman (there are lots out there)
Join groups that would interest you: bee-keeping, walking, gardening, nature or music, books and you may just meet your kindred spirit.

I would bet a million that J will return to your life and you will resume your wonderful friendship. The way you describe her made me a little teary, it was beautiful. Friendships like that are a rare thing. You sound like a great friend.

The way you write and describe yourself and your home/surroundings/nature is beautiful.

Don't put yourself down, you sound like a fantastic man!

This person isn't good for you, and I think your friend could see this.
It may not be 'abusive' but this relationship isn't doing you any good.

Hi there.

Well done for being brave enough to write this post. It takes guys to open up like this.

Being neurodiverse, means we are much more likely to end up in abusive relationship. If you google you will get more info on that side of things.

I just want to say lundy Bancroft actually says at the beginning that the abuser cam be male or female but for the sake of the book, uses he. You can download it for free if you type in why does he do that free pdf lundy Bancroft.

If I were you, I would have a google and see if there is an male lead domestic abuse services in your area and also see id men kind have any services there.

Also try see if there are for neurodiverse male groups. They may be able to give you advice too. Good luck to you!

Thank you @MyCatIsAFuckwit, you have made me well up, thank you

I thought you might say all this!

It helped me to think of the most confident, self assured person I could. You can use someone you know, someone from the TV, someone from a book, whatever. Just the most confident, bolshy person you know of. Someone whose character you know well enough to know that they mean what they say, and to be able to imagine what they'd say in different situations. I used someone I knew, for this, and then discovered Ruby from a TV programme called 'Good Girls' on Netflix. The first person was male and the second female, so it doesn't really matter who they are. All you want from them is their confidence.

Once I'd got my person in my head, I imagined how they would deal with my situation, whenever I was feeling shit. 'My partner is being rude to me... how would Ruby deal with this?' Just having the idea in my head that my way of viewing the situation wasn't the only way was a really good start towards actually changing my view.

Your happiness lies in leaving your partner.

Your horror at the thought of being alone, and your willingness to put up with behaviour that makes you feel like shit, both demonstrate that you have yet to take responsibility for yourself, and if you're not responsible for you, you can't be proud of you, or respect you. Have you any idea about what I mean by 'being responsible for yourself'? What do you think it means? What does 'self-respect' mean to you?

Thank you @Watchkeys, for your insightful comments and thoughts.

I think I know what you mean by being responsible for myself and believe that, by and large, I do take self responsibility and, generally speaking, do not allow myself to be steamrollered or pressured into things which are not right for me, which feel morally wrong to me, or which I know would cause me anxiety and distress. Therefore I don't go to pubs, bars or noisy, crowded places, because it is triggering for me, I have already said that I will not be going with my partner, and her friends, to a well known destination to celebrate their 60th birthdays - it is hot, full of bright, flashing lights, crowds, noise, gambling, alcohol - my version of purgatory and hell on earth! Nothing would ever induce me to go there and I am not going to meekly trail along in her wake , just to keep her happy, but be miserable myself, at the same time. So I believe that I can take responsibility for myself, and, more holistically, I am also not prepared to compromise my behaviour, standards, integrity or change the way I am. Nor do I expect her to compromise herself - there is nothing 'wrong' with her personality, it is just different to and doesn't align with mine! With someone else she might be a perfect fit.

And the first step to achieving freedom, for me, and her, is the recognition which I now have that the relationship is damaging and destructive for me and adds nothing positive to my life. It has taken a while for the behaviours to manifest themselves obviously to me, but they become increasingly obvious as time goes on! Because of my neurodivergence, and the fact that I don't always see or interpret things in the same way as neurotypical people do, I have often questioned myself as to whether or not I have been making a mountain out of a molehill, reading too much into things and that the behaviours are 'normal' and that I have simply been unable to accept what others might see as being run of the mill within a relationship

I have often questioned myself as to whether or not I have been making a mountain out of a molehill, reading too much into things and that the behaviours are 'normal' and that I have simply been unable to accept what others might see as being run of the mill within a relationship

None of this matters. It is all self-disrespect. You're not meant to be 'normal' or fit in with what others think you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing or feeling. You're supposed to be you, even if you're different from other people, even if people think you're 'odd' or 'wierd' or 'unable to accept run of the mill' things. If you can't stand it when someone eats a raspberry yoghurt, you need to find a partner who accepts that quirk in you and is willing to compromise, to maintain your equilibrium. You don't need someone to judge you (or to judge yourself) about whether or not you should have feelings about yoghurt-eating.

Design your life around you, not around what might be classed as 'normal'. You will end up in a household where you never have to see anyone eat a raspberry yoghurt again, and you'll be happy, rather than ending up with someone who eats them all the time, tells you you're a freak, and trying to silence you're own discomfort.

(sorry about the example of yoghurt; first thing that came into my head!)

Your abusive partner has succeeded in isolating you as abusers like to do.

This is your life until you make different choices and leave them.

It is that simple.

I wish you well.

Just a quick update for all those kind people here who have been so supportive and helpful:

This week things have reached crisis point in terms of the implications for my mental, physical and emotional health and wellbeing, my ability to do my job properly, my responsibility to my employer and work colleagues and my future happiness!

As a result I have sought help and guidance from a couple of organisations, aimed at men suffering from domestic abuse, they are guiding me, supporting me, assisting me with an exit strategy, have recommended a personal safety app which I have now installed on my phone and I have also spoken to the police, logged some of the incidents so that there is tangible evidence of what is happening, and made a request for disclosure under 'Clare's Law'.

Having, only last night, once again had my professional ability called into question, albiet in a 'bantering' manner ( which actually wasn't!) and been told "you are full of shit", my mind is made up and I am plotting my escape.

Thank you all

Oh I am so glad to read that you are getting help and support. She sounds horrible! She’s battered away your self esteem with all the things you list - every single thing seems designed to chip away at you.

please get free of her. I wish you healing.

Well done mate.
I'm excited about your happy future.
Xx

I'm really glad to read your update, and wish you peace and happiness going forward. You really deserve that and to put this behind you.

From a fellow autistic, good on you for getting help to make the break. I find being single and having a "companion" to do stuff with is a great balance. I hope your friend comes back to you. Make sure you tell her that you're splitting, as she'll be thrilled. You sound like a lovely man, and the world needs more like you.