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Original poster

First “date”

29 replies

CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 10:49

i feel so cringe writing this.

Began speaking to a lad last year, we spoke for a while, pretty causally and then dropped off. We matched again last week and arranged a date for Friday..

Friday comes around, we didn’t make a time or place, so decided to go out with his work friends. I went out with some of my friends.

I got drunk and arranged to meet him, he came to mine. We slept together, which is what has brought me here (obviously 🙄) I didn’t intend on sleeping with him, and told him that. (He’d never brought up sex or anything sexual until Friday) I feel soo ashamed of myself. Obviously I know being drunk wasn’t the best idea, we all make mistakes on that front.

We’ve spoken a little over the weekend, but nothing yesterday and now I’m wondering if he was just after a shag?! It’s massively knocked my confidence, so much so that I’ve deleted all the apps I was on as i feel dating isn’t working for me..

🫤🫤

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 23/05/2023 11:01

You just need to be better at weeding out in the early stages if you’re seeking an actual relationship. This guy could have been vetoed well before this. Don’t spend weeks chatting with them online. If they don’t ask for your number and suggest meeting up fairly quickly ( I only gave 4/5 messages but this is strict) stop replying. If a guy suggests a date then doesn’t follow through, he’s also a next. No second chances, no excuses just block and next. Def no meet ups when you’re out and they’re out. It’s too casual and definitely hook up territory. Only meet men that set up a proper date, time, location. 98 percent of the time if you sleep with them early on it won’t go anywhere whatsoever no matter how beautiful/ clever/ interesting you are. I met my husband online. It can be done but you have to be fairly strict at getting rid of time wasters and set up lots of first dates.

toomanyleggings · 23/05/2023 11:04

And this guy is a dead end. Stop messaging him.

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 11:06

@toomanyleggings i haven’t messaged him. We last spoke on Sunday, I haven’t messaged him since.

OP posts:
holliebo · 23/05/2023 11:19

I think the point where he'd suggested meeting up on Friday but not setting the specifics, then going out with mates instead is where I'd have drawn the line.

If he was interested he'd have arranged the date......

However,as much as you think he only wanted casual sex it's likely you've given him a similar impression

I'm not meaning to sound harsh, my advice is based on my years of disastrous dating and having to work on my own boundaries

Laurdo · 23/05/2023 11:23

holliebo · 23/05/2023 11:19

I think the point where he'd suggested meeting up on Friday but not setting the specifics, then going out with mates instead is where I'd have drawn the line.

If he was interested he'd have arranged the date......

However,as much as you think he only wanted casual sex it's likely you've given him a similar impression

I'm not meaning to sound harsh, my advice is based on my years of disastrous dating and having to work on my own boundaries

This. If he was serious about a date he would have set a time but did you actually try to arrange a time with him?

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 11:25

@holliebo thank you, and no, it’s not harsh.

Had I been sober, i would have re-arranged. I do need to work on my boundaries and defo not do this again. It’s made me feel pretty shit about myself and my stupidity. 🫤

OP posts:
Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 11:28

@Laurdo no, we didn’t set a time nor a place. I wasn’t ready to get ready until after 6, so when I messaged him asking what was happening, he said he was out with work friends as he was having a drink for his birthday. So I just went out with my friends..

OP posts:
intothegreek · 23/05/2023 11:29

I get that this is out of character for you but seriously, you're being way too hard on yourself. Most people have one of these cringe fests in their closet, it's not big or clever but it happens. All the time. Learn from it and jump back on the crazy train of dating. Forget this dude, you'll be laughing your head off about this in 6 months

holliebo · 23/05/2023 11:29

CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 11:25

@holliebo thank you, and no, it’s not harsh.

Had I been sober, i would have re-arranged. I do need to work on my boundaries and defo not do this again. It’s made me feel pretty shit about myself and my stupidity. 🫤

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've not actually done anything wrong...casual sex isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it leaves you feeling bad. If it does then it's not for you but nothing to beat yourself up over.

I'd also misunderstood, I thought he'd loosely suggested Friday then made alternative plans and gone out with friends. If the plan had always have been for you to both go out separately with friends and meet up, that would always have a massive red flag to me and I've turned down the "date" (unless of course that's what you wanted).

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 11:33

@holliebo I feel I’m drip feeding, sorry.

We had originally “loosely” planned to meet this weekend. (My words to him were “I’ll let you know when I’m free) I found out on the Thursday that I was free on the Friday (Friday just gone) he found out he was too, we didn’t make a time, nor a place. I didn’t messaged him until after 6, asking what he was doing? He replied he was out and that he hadn’t actually made a plan.

OP posts:
Slavica · 23/05/2023 12:22

It's ok, chalk it up to experience. If a guy does not make a firm plan once he knows when you're free, you should write him off if you're after a relationship.

Laurdo · 23/05/2023 13:09

If he was just after sex he was just after sex. Whether or not you slept with him that night wouldn't have changed that. It's obviously what you wanted to do at the time and unless he was terrible in bed I'm sure you had fun. There's no need to feel ashamed about having a good time. I think society has a lot to do with women feeling shame about sex.

When I was dating, I dated a couple of guys who I knew weren't after anything long-term and were upfront about it. I saw nothing wrong with having some no strings fun while I tried to meet Mr Right.

I've known my DH since we were 12 but hadn't really seen him since school when he messaged me out of the blue on NYE, we were both spending it alone so I invited him over having absolutely no idea whether he fancied me or just wanted to catch up as friends, but I was bored and lonely and had had a couple of gins so was feeling brave. He wasn't long out of a LT relationship so wasn't looking for anything serious, but has since told me that he had no agenda or any expectations that night and was just glad of some company. I slept with him that night. I fancied the pants off him, the chemistry was great so I thought what the hell. I've seen him every single day since and we were married 2 years later on NYE.

Sleeping with him on the first night didn't put him off, had I not slept with him that night we would still be in exactly the same position we are today. It made no difference. If someone is interested they're interested and will make the effort, if they're not they're not.

PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 13:15

I think you came out in this way worse than him to be honest :/

first you were meant to let him know when you're free but you've waited until the day before - then you didn't propose a time or place (again, you were the decision maker in that scenario, it was up to you to arrange it). Nothing was agreed, then you got drunk and made him your booty-call. Even if he wasn't after a casual shag, you sure made it look like that's all you were after and if I was him...I wouldn't call you back. Sorry :/

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/05/2023 13:15

@CringeTimes89 I agree that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself but also recognise this guy is a no go. He hasn’t even contacted you since Sunday so if he contacts you again now then you know what he’s after. Everyone has their own boundaries but I remember my ex telling me a conversation all the lads at his work had one day about dating (building site full of men) and all said a woman sleeping with them on first night wouldn’t go any further for them. That’s not to say a one night stand doesn’t turn into a relationship because sometimes it does but I do think most men would look at a woman more with a relationship head on if they have a few dates first before having sex. Some people can have sex and not be bothered if it’s just a one nighter, you have learnt you can’t so don’t give up dating, just learn from it for next time x

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 13:16

@Laurdo thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad it worked out for you. 🩷

I’ve had a date where we waited 4 weeks to sleep together and it ended the next day. But with this guy, I actually liked him, and feel a bit hurt that he’s ghosted. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 13:25

@Shapemyeyebrows I think it depends on a person really and men too can feel like they have been "used" for a shag

From personal experience, I slept with my husband on our first official date (I've initiated) and he later admitted that he was a bit worried I was only after casual fling and wouldn't actually want anything serious. So it can definitely look like women not being seriously interested too

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/05/2023 13:37

@PaintedEgg yep; it defo does depend on the person. But I do think a lot of men still have that view where they won’t want to pursue a relationship with someone who sleeps with them on first date. But like you say; it can also make the man think the woman is not looking for anything serious too.

PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 13:45

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/05/2023 13:37

@PaintedEgg yep; it defo does depend on the person. But I do think a lot of men still have that view where they won’t want to pursue a relationship with someone who sleeps with them on first date. But like you say; it can also make the man think the woman is not looking for anything serious too.

then again...would you want a man who thinks like that and fails to see a double standard?

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/05/2023 13:47

@PaintedEgg You make a good point 😅

RoseRobot · 23/05/2023 13:55

Why delete the apps? It's not that dating isn't for you, it's that ONS don't suit you. Learn from this, be choosy and focus on men who are happy to have some dates and get to know you first. Promise yourself that all future first dates will be some fun activity - cinema or gig or skating rink etc, not just getting drunk somewhere, and stick with proper dates until you know someone well. And you don't need to feel ashamed. You did something and discovered, by doing it, that it isn't what you want. So now you know what suits you better.

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 14:22

@PaintedEgg sorry, I don’t think I’ve worded it clear.

When we started talking I told him I wouldn’t be free until this weekend (26th) as that’s the weekend my daughter is with her Dad. However, I ended up with Friday night free as my daughter was sleeping out (19th) I found this out in the Thursday (18th) admittedly, nothing was set in stone with regards to time and place. I didn’t booty call him… 😄

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 23/05/2023 14:44

Tbh your not that naive your as bad as each other yep a shag its over surely you think your worth more than that

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 14:48

@LadyJ2023 i know I’m worth more, hence why I feel like shit. I actually liked the kid, and feel it was ruined by sleeping together so soon.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 15:41

you got drunk, gave him a call and you two had sex, you know what it looks like 😜

don't feel bad though - it's not a reflection on you that he sort of faded away. Write it off as a loss and move on, neither of you did anything super wrong

Original poster
CringeTimes89 · 23/05/2023 15:42

@PaintedEgg aye, I can see what it looks like.. 😏😏

OP posts: