Coercive control?

[Doodles29]

Hi all.
I am looking for some insight please.
I have been with my partner for one year and am beginning to notice some perhaps controlling behaviour in our relationship. I wasn’t sure if I was being too awkward about things - so I let a few things slide and now I am noticing it more. Only little things it seems, but I will provide one example:

It is his flat and I stay with him for three nights per week. One weekend we found a spider in the kitchen and kept trying to catch it but it would run away. He then caught it, trapped it under a glass and put it on the window ledge.

I tried to put the spider outside but he told me not to. The spider in the glass has been sat there now for a month.
I have tried on a couple of occasions to get rid of it, but he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked.

Is this an example of control? Or am I being unreasonable?

Thank you.

Why does he want a dead spider in his kitchen?

Telling you he'll be cross of you defy him is what a parent says to a child

The whole thing is weird

That’s very odd as the spider will be dead by now. I would ask him why he wants to keep a dead spider.

Agh my ex did the same thing with a spider - I was terrified of them and he left one under a clear glass in the middle of the living room for days and refused to move it, or let me move it.

It's irrational behaviour and he is not explaining his thoughts to you - please run fast from this man.

This is who he is and this relationship should now end. Your relationship here is not st sll
one of equals and he wants you to do as you’re told.

You can do better than this man, he needs to be thrown back into the pond.

Controlling and actually cruel. It would be red flags for me.

but he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked

In other words, he is threatening you. Do as you are told or else.

Please don't put up with that shit, and please don't waste another second of your time on this man.

I would go from staying three days a week to staying no days a week. I would start that now.

He's meant to be your equal. He isn't your boss or your parent. He doesn't get to give you orders and threaten you with tellings off if you defy him!

If you let this go, he will likely start to ramp it up, and introduce other 'rules', slowly seeing how far he can push it. Please don't hang around for this to happen.

There is no practical reason to keep a dead spider. So he's either really really odd and wants to save a dead spider, or (much more likely) he wants to control you, and has introduced a random, meaningless rule to see if it works.

Don't go along with it. Leave the spider and him and don't look back, is my advice.

It’s not direct controlling, but it is grooming for him moving on to controlling aspects of your life. The spider is a test of your willingness to obey him in minor things outside your comfort zone. It is to get you in the habit of obeying him for fear of his crossness. It will expand from the spider to different aspects of your life.

So, I’m sure the rest is currently still honeymoon, lovebombing and that is why you are a bit confused.

But you are right to be concerned and I’d honestly not continue the relationship.

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable! I agree with the other PP, don’t invest any more time in this relationship

You said you stay with him for 3 nights a week, so I'm assuming you've been home to your place and back to his, he hasn't stopped you from leaving his place. Sounds weird, don't make any plans to live with him.

Your inner alarm bell is ringing, listen to it. If you think something is off or odd, and especially someone being so absolutely fkng weird such as being controlling over a spider, I would run like Usain Bolt on his best day. Even reading that creeped me out. Cruel and unecessary also...

Seriously?

Someone who is cruel, even to a spider, is not the sort of person to live with.

Extrapolate from that cruelty to a tiny helpless living thing to bigger living things.

Unlike that poor bastard spider, make good your escape.

It’s weird. You must know that? Trust yourself about this

Actually quite possibly not …

Have you actually asked him why he won’t let you move it out? Very one is jumping on a bandwagon here about cruelty etc ( which not saying it isn’t), but there are other possible explanations that make him strange but not abusive or intentionally cruel

house spiders live in houses. Not outside. If you toss out a house spider it’ll come back into the house ( or if you’re lucky your neighbours 🤷🏼‍♀️) by one means or another. Tricky little bastards. Spiders are all very specific on their habitats. So, there’s sod all point throwing them out frankly. He may well know that, but has a phobia or dislike ( hence catching it in a glass) and can’t go near it to kill it outright . So, there it sits where he can see it, not sneaking back in, whilst it dies a slow death. Ok, most people would agree unnecessarily cruel, but a lot of people don’t feel that way about insects and it doesn’t make them cruel, evil psychopaths- just people who see them as pest, like killing a rat or mouse in your house with old school poison traps, or killing wasps nest.

so just bloody ask him why he’s leaving it there and won’t allow you to throw out- did you actually ask him?

if he says cos he enjoys suffering or because only he d codes hen to oss ot out, sure he may be controlling.
frankly if that’s the top example of “ is my partner controlling?” I think you need to take a look at the way you communicate with him

Sorry, “only he d codes hen to oss ot out,” was meant to read”only he chooses when to toss it out”,… fat fingers

@Whiteroomjoy If he has a phobia, there'd be no reason he couldn't let OP deal with it instead. Most people with a phobia would be glad to let her.

He's instead told her he'll be "cross " with her if she takes action. I'm not sure in what world that is normal.

'Course, I'm also not sure in what world I would listen to someone telling me they'll be "cross" with me over getting rid of a spider and that be enough to stop me doing it, these days.

OP, if this was a normal relationship, you would do what you think is right sometimes, even if your boyfriend disagrees with you. If you're too afraid of the guy to go against what he says occasionally, then there's something deeply wrong.

but she wants to release it! Fairdos if he doesn’t cos he fears it’ll simply come back in.
And fgs why can’t people get “cross” if they’ve asked you not to do something in their own home and you ignore that.
really?
cross?
She isn’t saying he has even already been “cross” with her, or angry or shouted at her.

ok, it’s strange - and fair dos if she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with a bit of a nut job re his spider phobia.. but there is zilch evidence of coercive control, which is about verbal assaults, humiliation, isolation, deprivation, intimidation, name calling, gaslighting, manipulation and none of that is described here. based on exactly what’s she’s put as her only example given, that’s a long way from coercion- he is not coercing her at all. He’s actually Just plainly stating he’ll be pissed off if she chucks it out- the question is why doesn’t he want her to do that, and she hasn’t even said if she bothered asking that

@Whiteroomjoy If that's his fear, she could release it down the road a bit.

He only has to say that's why. You've no evidence that is the reason he won't let her touch it, though, it's just you reaching for why it might be.

And she says there have been other incidents, so it's incorrect to say there's no evidence of other concerning behaviours - she's already said there are other things she thinks are controlling.

Yep, but my point is she has not stated in her actual post:

1. any other example that clearly states elements as per definition of coercive control. Telling her he’ll get “cross” isnt . It’s not unreasonable to tell someone if they do x you’ll feel pissed off .
2. what his reason was. My example is just one of any odd, but reasonable, explanations. If she’d asked him, why hasn’t she said in op what his response was. All sounds pretty bizarre frankly - just bloody ask him why not evict it, why wouldn’t she ask?

This. He suffocated a spider and wants to keep its body….wtf?!

Perhaps she has asked? It seems like the first thing that would fall out of your mouth when someone says don't touch that spider in a glass that I'm keeping like a freak.

I'll bet that this is one of many red flags OP. Go with your gut. This won't end well.