I'm in a really horrible situation and need some advice or encouragement.
Just been ejected - again - from long term (30 yr) relationship, not married, no children, both renting separately by choice. Didn't marry or fully commit to moving in together probably due to not having kids and having unconventional careers (arts).
But here i am in mid forties, realising that every 5 or so years he has bailed out on me after a conflict or traumatic event. If we'd been living together at the time (which was never for long) I had to move out and rebuild my life, which was so demoralising and exhausting, then we'd slip back together a year or two later.
It feels like no matter how he professes to love me, he is not able to commit to a shared lifestyle or deal with the bumps, even though he INSISTS he is. I feel disposable and stupid, although i know i am intelligent and strong. If i push the issue, he says i am criticising him and not satisfied. I have tried so hard and done all of the emotional labour shit and my head is bursting with weariness and pain.
Recently it all came to a head, he brought up supposed offences i had committed over 20 yrs ago out of the blue (a fling i had when i was single (he had one too), and various other complaints about my life and behaviour.
We have had a tough few years as he lives in a very bad area. I went to stay with him just prior to covid, intending to move soon after. This is because he has unpredictable work and is often dependent upon council tax reduction and some gov assistance. He has always lived like this and so i can never share a tenancy with him. The environment is so crap it has taken a toll on us both, but he wont budge for fear of losing his assistance. There is literally no apparent interest in ever joining with me properly until his pension. I am quite bit younger and have had enough.
So we have split, he doesnt look bothered, and i am degrading myself going further in trying to fix this. I am unhappy and need to get out of this awful place, it is making me ill.
What i need advice on is not whether to LTB, but how the hell do i do it? I am an introvert, i work from home and have lots of dreams and ambitions, but i am terrified of this first step.
I have been living with him since my dad died prior to pandemic, not legally, just no fixed abode, and this can't go on. He obviously wants out again, so I have to move. This is exactly what i must and need to do, however my income took a drop during the pandemic, but i have over 34k savings to help me move forward.
Currently i have no local friends, only two women who are now living further away and have their own issues (loss, illness, etc) so pretty much really alone and isolated. My sister is ok but we are at a distance too, and she is very tied up with work. So i would be leaping into the absolute unknown, and i am very very used to this guy, it is hard to conceive of life without him. This has likely been why i always take him back after he has left me.
How do i do it? What would i do if i had a problem or got ill? How do people truly restart their lives like this? Is it even possible? How the fuck do i meet new people? I wondered if getting into some local interests after i move might help?
Has this happened to anyone else after 30 years?
I need to go, so much, and am terrified i will give in and just slope back to him for fear of having to climb that mountain, and then resent myself later...
He clearly isnt going to change, and whilst neither of us wanted a prescription lifestyle, i need a fair bit more than this. Any advice or thoughts would be so much appreciated.