Please help me face this

[nuttybiscuit]

I'm in a really horrible situation and need some advice or encouragement.
Just been ejected - again - from long term (30 yr) relationship, not married, no children, both renting separately by choice. Didn't marry or fully commit to moving in together probably due to not having kids and having unconventional careers (arts).

But here i am in mid forties, realising that every 5 or so years he has bailed out on me after a conflict or traumatic event. If we'd been living together at the time (which was never for long) I had to move out and rebuild my life, which was so demoralising and exhausting, then we'd slip back together a year or two later.
It feels like no matter how he professes to love me, he is not able to commit to a shared lifestyle or deal with the bumps, even though he INSISTS he is. I feel disposable and stupid, although i know i am intelligent and strong. If i push the issue, he says i am criticising him and not satisfied. I have tried so hard and done all of the emotional labour shit and my head is bursting with weariness and pain.

Recently it all came to a head, he brought up supposed offences i had committed over 20 yrs ago out of the blue (a fling i had when i was single (he had one too), and various other complaints about my life and behaviour.
We have had a tough few years as he lives in a very bad area. I went to stay with him just prior to covid, intending to move soon after. This is because he has unpredictable work and is often dependent upon council tax reduction and some gov assistance. He has always lived like this and so i can never share a tenancy with him. The environment is so crap it has taken a toll on us both, but he wont budge for fear of losing his assistance. There is literally no apparent interest in ever joining with me properly until his pension. I am quite bit younger and have had enough.

So we have split, he doesnt look bothered, and i am degrading myself going further in trying to fix this. I am unhappy and need to get out of this awful place, it is making me ill.

What i need advice on is not whether to LTB, but how the hell do i do it? I am an introvert, i work from home and have lots of dreams and ambitions, but i am terrified of this first step.
I have been living with him since my dad died prior to pandemic, not legally, just no fixed abode, and this can't go on. He obviously wants out again, so I have to move. This is exactly what i must and need to do, however my income took a drop during the pandemic, but i have over 34k savings to help me move forward.

Currently i have no local friends, only two women who are now living further away and have their own issues (loss, illness, etc) so pretty much really alone and isolated. My sister is ok but we are at a distance too, and she is very tied up with work. So i would be leaping into the absolute unknown, and i am very very used to this guy, it is hard to conceive of life without him. This has likely been why i always take him back after he has left me.

How do i do it? What would i do if i had a problem or got ill? How do people truly restart their lives like this? Is it even possible? How the fuck do i meet new people? I wondered if getting into some local interests after i move might help?
Has this happened to anyone else after 30 years?
I need to go, so much, and am terrified i will give in and just slope back to him for fear of having to climb that mountain, and then resent myself later...

He clearly isnt going to change, and whilst neither of us wanted a prescription lifestyle, i need a fair bit more than this. Any advice or thoughts would be so much appreciated.

Yes, it's scary ditching your no-good partner (just left mine but that was after only three years - but, hey, it was still hard) and thinking about (re)building your life...

As others have said, you have nothing tying you down, so can go anywhere.

Get a job (to earn money, pay for accommodation and meet people); if not, do voluntary work -- there are so many brilliant things you can do many of which can lead to a job, qualifications, meeting people.

Join your local online 'Nextdoor' or similar site to get know people in your local area.

Find a new bloke and get the other one out of your system.

Stay busy, get some support (start online until you also have some in real life).

If you can't leave your current partner at the moment, then start building up the rest of your life NOW so that when you can leave him things won't seem quite so daunting.

Good luck!!

@nuttybiscuit You sound utterly defeated. This is because of that horrible man being inside your head and making you feel worthless.
You sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much more than this. It is really difficult getting away when you are so enmeshed but when you make the break, you will look back and realise how much better life is without him.
The world is your oyster! You can go anywhere! Is there anything particular you like to do, or that you’re interested in?

I’m getting the impression you feel “institutionalised” – you know no other way of life and see your current way of life as normal, you believe his treatment of you is normal, even though you feel like you want and can do better than this. Breaking away “on your own” to follow YOUR life seems bloody terrifying?

Please believe me, it’s liberating.

Resurrecting that fling 20 odd years ago when you was single and then wanting you to move out is probably his way of ending the relationship “this time” anyway. Until it suits him to allow you back into his life. That isn’t love. That’s habit and familiarity and puppetry.

And, you’re 48? I was around that age when I started to feel completely dissatisfied with “my lot in life”. I affectionately call it my Mid Life Crisis. Now though, I blame the onset of perimenopause and the RAAAAAGHHHGHGHGH hormones that just gave me zero tolerance of any childish nonsense and head-games.

Find your inner RAAAAGGGHGHHHGHGH. Make a list of the things YOU want in life. Make this list as if he isn’t and has never been in your life.

Can't say it any better than @DatingDinosaur who has given fantastic advice!! You know you deserve to be happy.

I really dont want him to be hurt, and i feel he means well, but i do think what a previous poster said about codependency might ring true, we have been bickering for so long, mostly about where we live, we just cant meet in the middle and have no joint ambition. We deal with domestication and stuff so differently.

And i cant get to grips with suffering this sexual resentment for the rest of my life. I have not had interest in it for many years and think this is why.

I would like to do what a poster suggested - a holiday let for a few weeks, then head down looking for a new home.
I would try to get a part time job to boost my income for a year then see how my self employment gets on. I might like to do some voluntary work or at least join in some local art related stuff, meet people with like minds.

i also know there are 2 sides to every story, and i am not perfect myself. My misery living here has caused some of the bickering, and i can be very spiky at times due to this, but if i survey the past 30 yrs i only see cycles of pain and defeat. With the best will in the world we are not working out. It is hard to imagine walking from someone who i am so comfy with and know so well, but i feel if i dont make the break i will regret it with each year.

I get to this point, and am ready to move on, and then suddenly we are talking, calmer and ok, and it fucks with my head. It is obvious we get along really well, but possibly not meant for a romantic relationship.

Omg, he sounds a total loser. You have everything going for you, please don't listen to this utter crock of shit and ever feel you did anything wrong.
It's a shame you didn't have more flings. Don't waste any more time on him. He needs to sort himself out now. Move on and up.

@DatingDinosaur

I’m getting the impression you feel “institutionalised” – you know no other way of life and see your current way of life as normal, you believe his treatment of you is normal, even though you feel like you want and can do better than this. Breaking away “on your own” to follow YOUR life seems bloody terrifying?

Please believe me, it’s liberating.

Resurrecting that fling 20 odd years ago when you was single and then wanting you to move out is probably his way of ending the relationship “this time” anyway. Until it suits him to allow you back into his life. That isn’t love. That’s habit and familiarity and puppetry.

And, you’re 48? I was around that age when I started to feel completely dissatisfied with “my lot in life”. I affectionately call it my Mid Life Crisis. Now though, I blame the onset of perimenopause and the RAAAAAGHHHGHGHGH hormones that just gave me zero tolerance of any childish nonsense and head-games.

Find your inner RAAAAGGGHGHHHGHGH. Make a list of the things YOU want in life. Make this list as if he isn’t and has never been in your life.

this comment is so bang on, thank you!

You need to move on, if you health you have life, you can begin again!
Turning 60 this year been on my own 20 years, ( not the way, I hoped things would pan out).
Apart from a medical issue ( hopefully to be resolved), life is good, early retirement, friends and fab family.
No dress rehearsal life, be bold

I get to this point, and am ready to move on, and then suddenly we are talking, calmer and ok, and it fucks with my head

Time to make a tough, brave decision and move out/cut contact before you get to the talking stage then OP. You need to break the cycle and you're in the fortunate position of knowing exactly where in that cycle you are likely to weaken. Make a positive change for yourself and choose not to let that happen this time, go now (or asap) before you get sucked back in.

There's not "a lot of love" between you. There's a toxic codependency. You're finding your courage. I suggest you find your anger too. This bloke is a grade A wanker. How dare he treat you like this?
Don't waste any more of your precious life.

Oh god i have absolutely found my anger!
I can barely keep it together i am so angry, but this seems to just deepen his resolve act like a victim. He does something cruel then acts like i am the aggressor so if i am angry i doubt he notices i am changing.

I asked him yesterday what the hell i could ever do about the past fling.
His answer was 'understand me, how much it cripples me'
And i said wft can my understanding even do??? Am i to worship it like a god?

I get the feeling somewhere deep down he wants to wound me deeply for that year. It seems so insane after me giving him all of my love and energy and loyalty since then. I have been there through all of his troubles every time.

What i havent fully developed is the courage.

Apologies for coming in late: i have re-read this thread and it is so very helpful.
in reply to a PP, i had a pretty privileged and happy childhood, so no idea how this happened!

I think deeply, and i care about him, he is a good person, but perhaps not so very good for me.

I have booked a few weeks away already, and am preparing to move on. What i need is the courage to honour that. I have a weird feeling, after all these years, that this time has come. There is this singular and determined pull within me to forge a way out. I am best when forced against a wall, i do well then. I am compelled to keep this close and honour it.

I understand what you mean about finding the courage. It is not easy. I made mine leave the house and that was very hard. I had been trying for years. But when I found the courage I did it. He went from insisting he was moving back in, to finding a new woman in a matter of weeks!
He was the same as yours with regard to ignoring my feelings and making me feel bad.
I can’t remember if anyone here has mentioned the Freedom Programme. I highly recommend it. It honestly saved me.

He may well be a nice person but he’s not treating you very nicely (I don’t think, from what you’ve said). All that pushing you away then pulling you close again, at his beck and call and resurrecting something from 20 years ago because he wants you to feel sorry/guilty ..???

I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings but it seems like he doesn’t mind hurting yours. That’s not what true friends and lovers do. Not intentionally anyway.

Even if you can’t move on (emotionally) just yet, you do need to find a place of your own to live and, once you do, there’s nothing to stop you following up hobbies and interests alongside keeping him in your life, albeit at arms-length.

If it was me, I’d be weighing up the benefits of him being part of my life against what positives he actually brings into my life. I don’t see (his) selfish emotional manipulation of you as a positive personally. Yes, it benefits him. But it’s hurting you.

What’s that saying? Do the same as you’ve always done and you’ll get the same results as you always got.

If you want something to be different this time, then repeating the same old patterns of the past won’t accomplish that.

Good luck with your “thinking time” - enjoy your couple of weeks away

I saw this today and saved it to remind me. Hope it might strike a chord with you too @nuttybiscuit

OP the familiar is safe, even if it makes us unhappy, it’s predictable and that’s safer than the unknown. Of course you keep going back to the familiar. But it’s no longer serving you so it’s time for change.

I keep on banging on in posts about the holistic psychologist (check insta and also podcasts - the self healers soundboard). I strongly recommend her. Good luck op.

Gosh! In this situation I honestly think I would book a one way ticket somewhere interesting (and probably sunny) and see what happens!

I asked him yesterday what the hell i could ever do about the past fling.
His answer was 'understand me, how much it cripples me'

All you really need to understand is that he is a morbidly self-obsessed (to the point of narcissism) and pathetic man who is repeatedly blaming an incident 20 years in the past for his inability/unwillingness to take responsibility for managing his own emotions, thoughts and actions in the present day.

He says "anyone would react this way" to his ex having a fling with someone else, while he was doing the same? No, a thousand times! Normal people may feel some hurt, disappointment or jealousy that their ex had moved on after their split if they weren't completely over them, but if they wanted to get back together and make it work, they use their sense of perspective and reason to put the past in the past and move on. If they found themselves remembering the jealousy and disappointment, they would have a firm word with themselves and put it out of their mind.

His reaction is completely abnormal and probably subconsciously manufactured to cover up sexual problems that is embarrassed about and doesn't want to accept responsibility for fixing. Blaming you for something 20 years ago saves him from having to deal with his sexual dysfunction.

I also seriously doubt that you ever really did rub it in his face. I think you should try to take a big emotional step back (ie try to look at his actions and words as though they come from someone you have no emotional connection to) and objectively consider the possibility that this man is a pathological liar (which means his thinking is so mixed up that often he cannot even recognise when he is lying or when he is being honest and you can't be certain about the truthfulness of anything that comes out of his mouth).

@nuttybiscuit

I wfh in a creative field, lower income since covid but am happy to try to work back up. Yes, i can live anywhere, but would rather choose somewhere i am somewhat familiar with whilst feeling vulnerable.

Definitely not this place.

Would moving to where your sister lives be a viable option? Or to some other place where you already know someone? Distance could help you not fall back into the habit of your relationship with him again. You wouldn't even need to have the conversation, you could secure a room to stay with an old friend/family or something short term like AirBNB or a caravan park, and then just go.

Thank you everyone, for all of these comments and advice. They have really given me a shake, and a lot to consider.

I agree with the PP who suggests that his self absorption and obsessiveness towards the fling is masking sexual issues. I think he is using the past to bolster a fear of inadequacy in the present.

Unfortunately back then he had read my diary whilst visiting my home. No idea how he did that but this is how he accessed info about my fling (which he knew of and was possibly after torturing himself with).
I felt violated.

If you want to get away to clear your head for a few weeks you could do worse than volunteering via www.workaway.info - it's not just for students on a gap year!

Oh my OP, there was another poster who had an identical life as you (artist) with identical problems with her long standing boyfriend. It’s the exact t same story. We were all behind her as she got the courage to find a small holiday let to move into and eventually left her self absorbed artist boyfriend who lived in a very run down area on benefits. She did it and moved to this let and then started looking at a more permanent let. I can’t find the original post as I am sure you would find it incredibly useful and supportive to you to know someone has been where you are and was able to move on. You can do this OP. Just find the courage. Good luck x

@litterbird

Oh my OP, there was another poster who had an identical life as you (artist) with identical problems with her long standing boyfriend. It’s the exact t same story. We were all behind her as she got the courage to find a small holiday let to move into and eventually left her self absorbed artist boyfriend who lived in a very run down area on benefits. She did it and moved to this let and then started looking at a more permanent let. I can’t find the original post as I am sure you would find it incredibly useful and supportive to you to know someone has been where you are and was able to move on. You can do this OP. Just find the courage. Good luck x

I would love to hear it paid off!

We live in a very expensive place, no idea how or why the properties are so steep, i couldnt afford to live here if i chose, alone. It is dreadful though, not in a crime sense, more like just dead, very unfriendly, no prospects.
Mine isnt an artist, but in a creative field. it's been a tough few years for him.

Just checking holiday apartments, they are quite expensive.

Everything been ok and calm past few days. I can see the pattern. It is so so easy to just slip back in because of familiarity and laziness, i suppose. But i can't now, it is as if i was waiting for the 'last straw' so that i could find an excuse. I think this has been growing in me for a while.

Wherever you go, make sure it's a clean break. No getting back with him in six months time and no contact at all. He is all you have known throughout your adult life and it will be daunting to start afresh but you deserve better.
You say he is nice at times but nice men do not treat their partner the way that he treats you.
It could also be the making of him, having to face up to the failures in his life for which,reading between the lines, I think he also blames you. Once you're not there for him to pour his frustrations on, he will have to face his own demons.
Nobody should have to answer to ridiculous accusations from over two decades ago that he only found out by sneakily reading your private notes.
It's not going to be easy for at least a year but don't waiver. Starting researching places you would like to live and become the person you are meant to be.
Good Luck!

@Winniewonka

Wherever you go, make sure it's a clean break. No getting back with him in six months time and no contact at all. He is all you have known throughout your adult life and it will be daunting to start afresh but you deserve better. You say he is nice at times but nice men do not treat their partner the way that he treats you. It could also be the making of him, having to face up to the failures in his life for which,reading between the lines, I think he also blames you. Once you're not there for him to pour his frustrations on, he will have to face his own demons. Nobody should have to answer to ridiculous accusations from over two decades ago that he only found out by sneakily reading your private notes. It's not going to be easy for at least a year but don't waiver. Starting researching places you would like to live and become the person you are meant to be. Good Luck!

I have found a cottage for two weeks, that should give me head space!

I agree with what you say. It makes a lot of sense. I am surprised and delighted how many people can intuit this.

In the past few days, observing my calm determination, he has been broody, worried. Not about me, exactly, but very much for himself. He has been mentioning his worries, especially financially.

I bought everything here, the appliances, many of which are dying due to him insisting they are still ok. I offered to replace them but no. He seems irritated by me taking one set of drawers! He is supportive about me going away, probably needs time alone after covid, but i can tell there is a dark concern.

I am thinking of myself, not in a bad way, but it is odd and refreshing.

thank you, all, again :)