Unrequited love rant

[TooOldForButterflies]

Name changed.

Ok so I know already what all the answers are (time and space etc) but I can't do it so I just need to rant and hear whether anyone else has managed to get past this.

I met a man online just over a year ago during lockdown and we hit it off immediately. In my profile I said that I was looking for friends as well as potential partners and he told me early on that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me and only saw us as friends. I was fine with that. I enjoyed the distraction of endless WFH and we got on well (phone and email) and had great rapport and conversation.

From the moment we were able to actually meet in person (after lockdown) I found him physically attractive but kept a handle on it as we had established a firm friendship by then, and to-date I have never let him know as I know he doesn't want more.

Over the course of the last year our friendship has gone from strength to strength and we have become confidantes. He has no other friends in the town we live in as he'd been in a long distance relationship up until shortly before the pandemic (travelling to see her every weekend) so had just not made friends locally. He depends on my friendship more than I do on his as I have other friends.

Herein lies the problem; in the last couple of months I've developed very strong feelings for him. I don't want to have these feelings as even if they were returned (which I doubt) I feel that I have more to lose (a solid friendship that I really value) than I would have to gain (what I suspect would end up being a short lived fling). I know that I just have to ride out these feelings and push them aside, but I can't stop thinking about him and it's impacting my work and my sleep. When I hear from him (phone/text) I feel calm, and the times in between normally no more than 48 hours I feel lost and on edge. Even writing this down I can see how pathetic this sounds. I don't want to distance myself from him as that will alert him to my feelings (he has no idea how I feel, I'm quite a good actress) and I don't want to not have contact with him. I feel intoxicated by his friendship (god I sound pathetic).

Please don't tell me to cut contact with him, I just want to hear whether anyone else has done anything that works. I am still on online dating and I go on dates regularly (a couple of times a week) but haven't met anyone that I fancy. I'm 51 in case it's relevant (I know this makes me sound like a child ).

@Enough4me

You have made space to find a more fulfilling relationship, which you need as friendship won't give intimacy and loving in the same way. If you doubt yourself, remember that you gave him an opportunity and he chose not to take it.

This is correct.

The irony is that (as I said from the start) I don't actually want a relationship with him - which is why I don't want to have these feelings. I genuinely think that we're better as friends than we would ever be in a relationship.

Based on how he responded (words and body language) and the follow up note he sent me, my gut feeling is that he has developed some feelings too (not as strong as mine) and is on the same page as me about us being better as friends.

Reading this thread and hoping you are feeling much better OP.

I’m afraid I’m going to disagree with many on here.
if I’m perfectly honest, in your position, I probably would have done the same OP….
However, you haven’t actually been clear with him exactly how you feel and exactly what you’d like from him. So how do you know for sure that he truly understands how you feel?
i just feel that life is short and sometimes you’ve got to take a chance! This might be the man for you

Maybe say "what a shame we're best friends! I bet if we met today for the first time on a dating Web site we'd really hit it off! What do you say, if we haven't met anyone else with on line dating by Christmas, we'll try dating each other?"
I wonder what his reaction would be...