Unrequited love rant

[TooOldForButterflies]

Name changed.

Ok so I know already what all the answers are (time and space etc) but I can't do it so I just need to rant and hear whether anyone else has managed to get past this.

I met a man online just over a year ago during lockdown and we hit it off immediately. In my profile I said that I was looking for friends as well as potential partners and he told me early on that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me and only saw us as friends. I was fine with that. I enjoyed the distraction of endless WFH and we got on well (phone and email) and had great rapport and conversation.

From the moment we were able to actually meet in person (after lockdown) I found him physically attractive but kept a handle on it as we had established a firm friendship by then, and to-date I have never let him know as I know he doesn't want more.

Over the course of the last year our friendship has gone from strength to strength and we have become confidantes. He has no other friends in the town we live in as he'd been in a long distance relationship up until shortly before the pandemic (travelling to see her every weekend) so had just not made friends locally. He depends on my friendship more than I do on his as I have other friends.

Herein lies the problem; in the last couple of months I've developed very strong feelings for him. I don't want to have these feelings as even if they were returned (which I doubt) I feel that I have more to lose (a solid friendship that I really value) than I would have to gain (what I suspect would end up being a short lived fling). I know that I just have to ride out these feelings and push them aside, but I can't stop thinking about him and it's impacting my work and my sleep. When I hear from him (phone/text) I feel calm, and the times in between normally no more than 48 hours I feel lost and on edge. Even writing this down I can see how pathetic this sounds. I don't want to distance myself from him as that will alert him to my feelings (he has no idea how I feel, I'm quite a good actress) and I don't want to not have contact with him. I feel intoxicated by his friendship (god I sound pathetic).

Please don't tell me to cut contact with him, I just want to hear whether anyone else has done anything that works. I am still on online dating and I go on dates regularly (a couple of times a week) but haven't met anyone that I fancy. I'm 51 in case it's relevant (I know this makes me sound like a child ).

I had a secret crush on a guy friend once. We’d been pals for years. Really good pals (not a FWB thing). He moved out of town with his job and contact dwindled, eventually to nothing.

Years later, I find out through a mutual friend he deliberately took that job because his feelings for me were so strong he couldn’t stand it any longer and it was the kindest way he could think of to distance himself from it all. He had no idea I felt the same way.

God I wish I’d said something.

@DatingDinosaur

I had a secret crush on a guy friend once. We’d been pals for years. Really good pals (not a FWB thing). He moved out of town with his job and contact dwindled, eventually to nothing.

Years later, I find out through a mutual friend he deliberately took that job because his feelings for me were so strong he couldn’t stand it any longer and it was the kindest way he could think of to distance himself from it all. He had no idea I felt the same way.

God I wish I’d said something.

Oh wow! This is what I'm worried about and I'm weighing it up against the risk of ruining the friendship if declare my feelings and they aren't reciprocated.

@todaysdilemma

I think he is likely to know at some level that you have some feelings for him. And you don't need to bare your soul or make a grand declaration.

Just say that you are worried you are getting too emotionally dependent on the friendship, but realise this isn't healthy or sustainable, so need to take a step back and focus on meeting people you can date romantically. He's smart enough to figure out what that means but neither of you have to talk about it or acknowledge it. So no awkwardness. And it gives him time to figure out whether he does want to pursue you or not.

This is what I think I'm going to do. Thank you

Put yourself first OP.

I think the feelings of responsibility you have around him are unhealthy and a flag, is he needy?
Maybe you have entered some covert/implied contracts with this guy.
He says much he values you blah blah blah, leave you feeling you owe him something/can't exit.

You don't owe him anything.
If your feelings are not reciprocated, concentrate on other friendships.
If he misses you, tough.
He will have to find other friends.

You are the important one. (you ought to be, to you). If you don't start batting strongly for yourself you could get really hurt here!

My two penneth.

So OP, I have a male friend whom I have known for about 6/7 years. He’s great fun, we get on brilliantly, and tbh I have always known he had a thing for me. Far more than I had for him.

We’ve both been single for a little while now and one evening before Christmas we just took the plunge and went for it. In a word, disastrous. For me the chemistry simply didn’t translate. I’ve gently extricated myself from the situation, delicately placed him back in the friendzone but, for now? It’s really hurt the friendship. I simply don’t have the ease around him I had before, and I know a part of him hopes I will change my mind.

Would I cross the line again? Tbh a part of me is glad we did. The unanswered question has been answered. On the other hand I wish we hadn’t because i simply cannot see the friendship lasting and I think as soon as one of us gets into a serious relationship, the friendship will naturally tail off (he’s said as much tbh).

It comes down to this. How much will you regret not knowing? It sounds like you either need to distance yourself or go for it. Either way coming clean would probably achieve one or the other.

I also second the PP who said you have zero chance of meeting anyone when you are this into someone else.

@sassbott

So OP, I have a male friend whom I have known for about 6/7 years. He’s great fun, we get on brilliantly, and tbh I have always known he had a thing for me. Far more than I had for him.

We’ve both been single for a little while now and one evening before Christmas we just took the plunge and went for it. In a word, disastrous. For me the chemistry simply didn’t translate. I’ve gently extricated myself from the situation, delicately placed him back in the friendzone but, for now? It’s really hurt the friendship. I simply don’t have the ease around him I had before, and I know a part of him hopes I will change my mind.

Would I cross the line again? Tbh a part of me is glad we did. The unanswered question has been answered. On the other hand I wish we hadn’t because i simply cannot see the friendship lasting and I think as soon as one of us gets into a serious relationship, the friendship will naturally tail off (he’s said as much tbh).

It comes down to this. How much will you regret not knowing? It sounds like you either need to distance yourself or go for it. Either way coming clean would probably achieve one or the other.

I also second the PP who said you have zero chance of meeting anyone when you are this into someone else.

This is my gut feeling about what the outcome would be. I said upthread that I don't want a relationship with him as while I think we're great as friends, I'm not sure it would translate into more so I genuinely think I've got more to lose than to gain by coming clean. I really want to get past feeling like this. What I need to do now is what @todaysdilemma said.

Perhaps you could try and reframe this - I suspect that a man who has reached his fifties without marrying / serious co-habitee / having children but is holding out for the ‘big love’ is not a man to see as a viable love interest anyway .
And infact you should be comfortable to have the friendship rather than the complication .
I would also suggest that he has more to lose if you let your friendship fade as he has ‘no other friends ‘ locally .
He needs to make other friends too and your reliance on each other is stopping either of you do things with others .
Perhaps refocus your energy on your other friends /interests and let yourself be distracted away from this unhealthy crush .
I mean it kindly , we all focus on something we shouldn’t at some time
He will become a lot less available if someone he wants to spend more time with . Try and reduce your reliance on him now ?

I agree, you need to just go for it. While thus chap is meeting so many of your needs there isn't room for anyone else.

UPDATE:

We met up last night totally spontaneously as we both happened to be in the office so went for a drink after work. We'd had a glass of wine and the conversation went to dating. I did exactly as planned and told him that I thought we needed to spend a little less time together as I was worried that I was becoming too emotionally attached to our friendship and that it was filling a 'companionship' gap that was making me complacent about dating and would be detrimental to me in the long term. He was very kind and reiterated how much he valued my friendship, how much he cared for me and how he would be guided by what I thought was best for me. He had plenty of opportunity to tell me if he wanted more than friendship but didn't. It was clear to me that he definitely has strong feelings for me (body language and non verbal signals) but doesn't want to take it further. We both expressed our sadness not to see each other as often...but he reassured me that our friendship is rock solid and that I can take as much time as I need and he'll be there when I'm ready.

So there we have it. I'm glad I didn't tell him how I felt in so many words but I'm sure he had an inkling. I will take some time to push these feelings back so that I can appreciate what is a lovely friendship.

Thanks for the insight.

I think you've handled this brilliantly!!!!!!!

You must feel a bit sad and disappointed but I think 2022 will now open up with opportunities.

Well done and thanks for updating.

Well done, OP. I know it's not the exact outcome you were hoping for but this is the best thing for you now. With space you'll meet someone else, even better suited, and will manage to maintain a friendship too. Good luck!!

No easy answer here. Dont waste your fifties on a bloke who isn’t interested xx

@SunflowerTed

No easy answer here. Dont waste your fifties on a bloke who isn’t interested xx

Missed your update. You handled this amazingly. It’s a shame but this will help you look for someone else x

Well done, but be strict with yourself and leave him alone. You will likely find yourself missing that dopamine hit you get when he messages you, and your body will crave it.

@ZaphodDent

Well done, but be strict with yourself and leave him alone. You will likely find yourself missing that dopamine hit you get when he messages you, and your body will crave it.

Totally!!

I'm already feeling a bit lost because normally at this time on a Friday I'm looking forward to seeing him on the weekend. But I will definitely be strict. I keep reminding myself that at least now I'm in control of the situation and not being forced (by him meeting someone else) into it.

Now I just need to fill my weekend .

@Mischance

Maybe he is holding back too - how would you know, any more than he would?

I think you have nothing to lose by being open about your feelings - OK you risk losing what you have, but to be honest what you have is based on dishonesty and that is not ideal.

I agree with this. It's not like you signed a contract to be just friends forever, and relationships are not static.

Also. a true friendship must be rooted in truthfulness, and at the moment it's not.

If you're "a good actress" perhaps he is a good actor? You never know!

Just explain you'll have to duck out because you can't keep your side of the deal any more.

...and then I RTFT 🤣 sorry!

Thanks for the update OP, sounds like you handled the whole thing impeccably and now you know where you stand.

Had something along the same lines though it was an FWB with far more B than F. It took a pandemic so I didn't see him for a year to allow me to date with some genuine openness to someone else. When I first laid eyes on my now bf, the first thing I felt was depression and fear, because I knew that he was a threat to my nonexistent connection to FWB guy. And he was. I now haven't seen FWB for 2 years and am happily dating my bf, I'm even in love with him. But I think of FWB every day. These things are like one if those alien plants in Dan Dare that grip the earth with unbreakable fingers. I try to just accept it's there and one day it will fade.

So I guess my advice is to emigrate to somewhere like Perth with closed borders...

@PermanentTemporary

Had something along the same lines though it was an FWB with far more B than F. It took a pandemic so I didn't see him for a year to allow me to date with some genuine openness to someone else. When I first laid eyes on my now bf, the first thing I felt was depression and fear, because I knew that he was a threat to my nonexistent connection to FWB guy. And he was. I now haven't seen FWB for 2 years and am happily dating my bf, I'm even in love with him. But I think of FWB every day. These things are like one if those alien plants in Dan Dare that grip the earth with unbreakable fingers. I try to just accept it's there and one day it will fade.

So I guess my advice is to emigrate to somewhere like Perth with closed borders...

This made me laugh...

Luckily for me I have some form in this area to draw on. One of my oldest friends (my DS's godfather) is someone I was hopelessly in love with in my early twenties. I never told him and it did eventually pass...and 30 years on I still know that I could ring him in the middle of the night if I was in a crisis even though I rarely see him (he lives in another country). This is my go-to learning

It sounds like you handled that brilliantly well OP.

Mmm. I do think you appear to have learned that people who are completely unavailable are the most attractive. All I'd say is to pay close attention to your feelings if you're finally with someone who openly wants to be with you. I think you may want to run a mile.

Has he 'friendzoned' you?

I don't get it.

You have made space to find a more fulfilling relationship, which you need as friendship won't give intimacy and loving in the same way. If you doubt yourself, remember that you gave him an opportunity and he chose not to take it.

Looks like the perfect storm of two people who unconsciously construct an unavailable, angsty dynamic because you both have avoidant attachment styles - his overt yours covert. His perfectionism waiting for the one - is an emotional defence mechanism so that he can avoid intimacy because no one is good enough and you maybe achieve the same by creating a fantasy around people who are unavailable so you can also avoid intimacy.

@PermanentTemporary

Mmm. I do think you appear to have learned that people who are completely unavailable are the most attractive. All I'd say is to pay close attention to your feelings if you're finally with someone who openly wants to be with you. I think you may want to run a mile.

I don't believe it's about availability. What has happened is that I've always related better to males than females (interests, conversation topics) and have always had male friends; my close female friends are like me. But because I have always had close male friends, it's inevitable that feelings can develop. I don't know if any of them have had feelings for me because they've never said so.