This is long sorry and please can I ask you not to flame me? I know I've behaved badly but I really can't take nasty comments thank you.
I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 20years. I realised I wanted out of this marriage 13 years ago when he physically attacked me. That was the one and only time but the snide comments and total lack of love from him continued.
Although I should have left all those years ago I just didn't have the strength and financially it was impossible. I didn't want my children to lose their home and they never witnessed anything. Although as they have got older they comment on the way my husband talks to me.
During Covid I had a particular bad time. He was so unsupportive. I lost a few family members. My elderly parents were ill and lots of other things. I really spiralled into a depression and had to phone the Samaritans at one point because I was thinking of ending it all. I did tell him this and he replied that he couldn't talk about it as he was in the middle of doing his tax return. We never spoke about it again.
I got so low and I literally had to drag myself out of it. I stopped drinking, began exercising and lost a lot of weight. I then got a really exciting job offer. Which gave me a bit of financial freedom and hope, I thought that once the children left gone I could eventually leave him.
I told him a few months ago how I felt, how he had made me feel throughout our marriage and that I didn't see a future together. I have to say he seemed incredibly sorry for the way he had treated me. I also think he was frightened to see the incredible change in me and realised I was serious. At the moment it is impossible to split due to financial reasons but at least we are not arguing and he is actually being nice to me. I know it's over for us though as I don't think I can forgive him for how I have been treated over the years. I could actually write so much more about this but that's just a bit of background.
So to my problem. We were friendly with a couple at our local. The guy sometimes pulled my husband up about how he spoke to me.
They split up around 7 years ago. We occasionally saw him but the wife moved away.
About 5 years ago we were talking and he told me he was obsessed with me, he thought I was beautiful inside and out and he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him I was married and nothing could happen between us.
I saw him just before the first lockdown and he had started a relationship with someone. I asked if he would get married again and he replied he never would, but the only girl he would marry was me as he still had feelings for me.
This summer I bumped into him again, just after I had told my husband I didn't see a future for us and I was in a bad way as one of my parents is terminally ill . I told him what had happened and he began texting me, just asking if I was ok.
One night it got a bit flirty then quite dirty. We both agreed that it should stop. He said that he never cheated on his girlfriend but he had always had feelings for me.
We video called one night and had I guess you would describe it as virtual sex. It made me feel amazing to be desired, I haven't had sex for such a long time and it did feel good. I know this was wrong but I got caught up with it all 
He said he had to stop doing this and that he had a girlfriend and had to respect her. He did ask to meet me in person for sex but I said I couldn't.
He messaged me after radio silence last week, we then video called and it got dirty . I asked him why he was still with his gf and he replied that he loved her. I said why have you been after me all these years, telling me I was the girl for him and how gorgeous I was. He said it was just for sex.
I ended the call and blocked him. I felt so stupid for falling for his lines but relieved in a way that I could stop fantasising about him being my knight in shining amour.
I have recently found out that this guy is a massive player, I really rather stupidly thought I was special to him. I know I shouldn't have let it go so far especially as he had a girlfriend but I just got carried away.
I feel dirty and cheap and my biggest fear is that on the last video call he may have filmed it. I keep picturing him laughing about me and my mental health has really taken a bad turn.
If he did video it or he tells people I really think I would have to kill my self as I couldn't bare the shame.
I have come such a long way and I can feel myself slipping back to how I was. Please please try not to flame me. I know I probably deserve this but Im torturing myself at the moment and I don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading x