I've done something stupid

[Missy555]

This is long sorry and please can I ask you not to flame me? I know I've behaved badly but I really can't take nasty comments thank you.

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 20years. I realised I wanted out of this marriage 13 years ago when he physically attacked me. That was the one and only time but the snide comments and total lack of love from him continued.

Although I should have left all those years ago I just didn't have the strength and financially it was impossible. I didn't want my children to lose their home and they never witnessed anything. Although as they have got older they comment on the way my husband talks to me.

During Covid I had a particular bad time. He was so unsupportive. I lost a few family members. My elderly parents were ill and lots of other things. I really spiralled into a depression and had to phone the Samaritans at one point because I was thinking of ending it all. I did tell him this and he replied that he couldn't talk about it as he was in the middle of doing his tax return. We never spoke about it again.

I got so low and I literally had to drag myself out of it. I stopped drinking, began exercising and lost a lot of weight. I then got a really exciting job offer. Which gave me a bit of financial freedom and hope, I thought that once the children left gone I could eventually leave him.

I told him a few months ago how I felt, how he had made me feel throughout our marriage and that I didn't see a future together. I have to say he seemed incredibly sorry for the way he had treated me. I also think he was frightened to see the incredible change in me and realised I was serious. At the moment it is impossible to split due to financial reasons but at least we are not arguing and he is actually being nice to me. I know it's over for us though as I don't think I can forgive him for how I have been treated over the years. I could actually write so much more about this but that's just a bit of background.

So to my problem. We were friendly with a couple at our local. The guy sometimes pulled my husband up about how he spoke to me.
They split up around 7 years ago. We occasionally saw him but the wife moved away.
About 5 years ago we were talking and he told me he was obsessed with me, he thought I was beautiful inside and out and he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him I was married and nothing could happen between us.

I saw him just before the first lockdown and he had started a relationship with someone. I asked if he would get married again and he replied he never would, but the only girl he would marry was me as he still had feelings for me.

This summer I bumped into him again, just after I had told my husband I didn't see a future for us and I was in a bad way as one of my parents is terminally ill . I told him what had happened and he began texting me, just asking if I was ok.

One night it got a bit flirty then quite dirty. We both agreed that it should stop. He said that he never cheated on his girlfriend but he had always had feelings for me.

We video called one night and had I guess you would describe it as virtual sex. It made me feel amazing to be desired, I haven't had sex for such a long time and it did feel good. I know this was wrong but I got caught up with it all

He said he had to stop doing this and that he had a girlfriend and had to respect her. He did ask to meet me in person for sex but I said I couldn't.

He messaged me after radio silence last week, we then video called and it got dirty . I asked him why he was still with his gf and he replied that he loved her. I said why have you been after me all these years, telling me I was the girl for him and how gorgeous I was. He said it was just for sex.

I ended the call and blocked him. I felt so stupid for falling for his lines but relieved in a way that I could stop fantasising about him being my knight in shining amour.

I have recently found out that this guy is a massive player, I really rather stupidly thought I was special to him. I know I shouldn't have let it go so far especially as he had a girlfriend but I just got carried away.
I feel dirty and cheap and my biggest fear is that on the last video call he may have filmed it. I keep picturing him laughing about me and my mental health has really taken a bad turn.
If he did video it or he tells people I really think I would have to kill my self as I couldn't bare the shame.

I have come such a long way and I can feel myself slipping back to how I was. Please please try not to flame me. I know I probably deserve this but Im torturing myself at the moment and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading x

He's got as much to lose as you by sharing the video if he loves his partner - it's kind of mutually assured destruction, isn't it? So try not to worry about that.

I'm sorry you're feeling shit, but try not to catastrophise. If you're feeling like you might do something to yourself, speak to the Samaritans and go to see your GP.

No man is worth hurting yourself over. And no potential or actual embarrassment is worth killing yourself over.

Maybe it's time to be brave and make the jump out of your marriage. What's so impossible about the finances?

Are you getting any help?

I thought that about him having too much to lose. However I heard he was caught all over a girl I. A bar by his girlfriends nephew. It caused a big fight and I'm not sure if she is still with him.

I would hope he wouldn't share it as he does know how bad my mental health was. However, after learning things about him I realise he isn't the man I thought he was.

I can't afford to leave my husband at the moment. I do not want the house sold and my children lose their family home.
There isn't a huge amount of equity in the house and I wouldn't even be able to afford to rent in this area let alone buy.

It would really disrupt their lives at the moment and they are both at critical stages in their education so I need to wait it out.
.

You are strong. Look how far you have come. Don't let this utter arsehole drag you down. He is really not going to tell people. Why would he? Forgot that utterly vile man. He targeted you probably because he saw you were beaten down by your equally vile husband.

You are worth a million of these men.

So sorry to hear about your situation OP. This man took advantage of you at a really vulnerable time and obviously said anything he could think of to persuade you he was for real. You were and are in a really vulnerable situation. Don't blame yourself.

It's a crime for him to share the video if he did film it. What makes you think he might have done so?

As pp says, revenge porn (which is what this would be) is an actual crime. Did he make any kind of threat about sharing the video, if there is a recording? Or is this mostly you thinking about worst case scenarios?

Thank you, I was expecting a flaming.

I don't know I just have a feeling. I may be wrong. I saw someone in the pub the other day. It was one of his friends, I only knew that later but he kind of smirked at me.
Maybe my imagination running wild but I just have a feeling that it is something he would do.
I feel so so stupid. At least I didn't meet him I guess that's something

Isn't it illegal to share content of that nature? and to film without your consent?

It’s possible he filmed it of course but remember, your anxiety presents the worst case scenario, plays it out in terrifying detail then your mind and body react as though it is actually happening. Anxiety is awful…are you taking anything for it?

It’s definitely illegal to share videos in that way so make no mistake if he does that or you think he has you are not hopeless. The law is on your side there.

Secondly I wanted to say how strong you seem to me. You’ve had a hell of a low patch and you’ve pulled yourself up out of it- I think you’re underestimating how difficult a thing that is to do & I think you should feel very proud of yourself for that. Your partner is a twat who is not as resilient as you are, so I’m not surprised he pooped himself a bit when he thought you may well finally leave him. I hope you do because whatever the unfortunate context of the second man who you had a thing with; you showed that you could care about someone else again despite being treated so badly. So happiness is out there for you, you just need to leap and the net will appear. Good luck op xxx

Op don't beat yourself up so much. You have been in a loveless marriage for many years. You got a bit of attention from someone else and you reacted to it. You are only human, people have done much much worse.

As you've rightly said, I don't think this man is your knight in shining armour. I highly doubt he would share the videos, why would he? What would he gain from it? But maybe don't do it again just for your own peace of mind and mental well-being.

Forgive yourself. And make steps for a life on your own. You've already done so well to overcome what you have.

How old are your children?

You talk a lot about not wanting them to lose their home. Do you think they’d rather stay in this house noting how it’s their dad’s poor treatment of you that pays for it, how unhappy you are?

Children adapt to moving house. Their struggle far more to have decent relationships when they only witness bad ones.

I have come such a long way and I can feel myself slipping back to how I was

You've had a minor setback, but you can still move forward. Don't let this horrible man ruin your soon to be fresh start.

The smirking friend might just have heard gossip, not actually seen anything. Horrible anyway. It is illegal for him to film or share anything like this so I would keep that in mind. He sounds like a nasty piece of work so of course you will be worried but if you find out he's done this then you have some legal recourse. I know that's not a great help but other than that not much you can do but put it behind you and move on.

You've done amazing to survive your abusive marriage and to make such positive changes in your life. Don't let this derail you. It's a setback not a dead end. Talk to a counsellor maybe or confide in a trusted female friend xx

Similarly I waited as long as I could op before I left. I had an affair.. It gave me the push I needed to force dh to listen to how unhappy he made me. He wouldn't accept I wanted our marriage to end... So I told him I had cheated... I dumped the om the day I moved out. He divorced me for adultery
. I didn't care. I was out.

And please do remember, you are of more value to your children than a house or anything else. Here you are sticking out your marriage for their sake, so you don't get to bail on them if this were to come out either. Nope.

Head up shoulders back and take your rightful space in the world, op.
These loser rsoles aren't fit to clean your shoes, don't allow them to
pull you down. Being in an abusive marriage for a long time messes up
your mental health as I can testify - look after yourself and the DC, and let karma take care of the rest.

You have a new future life to plan for as a single woman - time to start thinking positively about what you want it to be like, op.

@category12

And please do remember, you are of more value to your children than a house or anything else. Here you are sticking out your marriage for their sake, so you don't get to bail on them if this were to come out either. Nope.

^ agree

I think your guilt of doing something wrong is making you paranoid about it.
Revenge porn only happens when the person is angry at the other person, usually when they’ve been in a relationship and it ended badly.
This guy enjoyed it and the attention you gave him and I’m sure he’ll try again in the future, so why would he want to ruin that.

Yes you did a bad thing. But I think you should forget about that and focus on your marriage. It’s surprising to me that you are so unhappy in the marriage yet you’re worried that this video will come out and your husband will leave you - surely that would be a good outcome.

Thank you thank you thank you for all your positive replies.
I was really expecting to get flamed. I'm not worried about my husband finding out really, although I wouldn't want to cause him pain he really wouldn't have any right to blame me.

I would hate if my children found out. They are so proud of me on how I have turned my life around I would die if if I caused them any embarrassment.
I used to think I would be happy on my own. I'm 50 and thought I was passed all that but it did make me realise I would love to be in a loving sexual relationship again. I guess that is one positive??
I do have more to add but will reply tomorrow as it's difficult at the moment.
But thank you all once again, you have all been amazing with your support x

You see, this is what happens if you look to men for self esteem, it leaves you frigile - sure life is great while you have their interest, but then you feel the crash if they let you down. The best thing for your mental health is to forget him, be glad stuff with him was only virtual. It's unlikely he's going to be wide sharing it, but if that happened, the sham is on him.

Then think, was it his idea to have video sex? What made you go along with it, because it sounds to me last me you are maybe a bit too willing to please men for their affection? Probably as you've got in the habit of trying to please your H for years.
Draw a let me under this episode, it's not important, what is important is how far you have come. You have done a lot of self improvement, new job, better health choices. Your DH is behaving better as he can see that you respect yourself more. This man was a blip and a distraction from your main focus, which is you, and what you want. You've done well, don't let this Easter player drag you down. Don't let a man hold the power to your happiness, give it to yourself. Keep with the plan to go when ready, continue with loving yourself more meantime - I think a long gap from men is advisable. Well done, keep it up, you just got distracted from your path by a twat, no Biggie.

How old are your children?

I would hate if my children found out. They are so proud of me on how I have turned my life around I would die if if I caused them any embarrassment.
But dying wouldn't solve anything, would it? It'd only make things worse for them. They'd be left to deal with the grief and this small episode in your life as their last memory? I don't think so. If it came out, it's your job to show them resilience and how people can make mistakes but still be good people, still go on to do good things, to still be someone they can be proud of.

Sorry for typos, weird autocorrect glitches, I think you get what I mean

OK were there any indications at the time he was recording it? Eg asking you to put lights on, reposition yourself, adjust your camera angle?

If not, I really think it's your anxiety coming back because you are feeling guilt that you've "cheated" on your stbxh.

I really think you should see your GP for that.

Regarding leaving your stbxh, crack on as soon as possible. Congrats on your job offer and the positive changes you've made. Don't let him drag you back down.