Kind of "cheating pre-nup"

[Reclinehard]

DP made a comment while we were watching Love Actually the other day that made me think.. It was the scene where Emma Thompson opens the CD and realises her husband bought the jewellery for the OW, and she's in the bedroom having a minute.
I said "she's got to deal with it now, he's broken up the family, that's it"
He said "not necessarily, he could have a think and decide he actually wants to stay with his wife"
Now this set alarm bells ringing in case this is his attitude to cheating..
Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

Sorry for spoiler! I'm presuming everyone has seen Love Actually by now though..

I love the way he perceives it’s his choice, rather than Emma Thompson’s character. I think it is quite indicative. Makes you think of those people who say you HAVE to forgive and forget. No one has to

Yeah that really concerned me

Ha! Where is the wife's choice? She and the OW are meant to wait and see which one of them is lucky enough to be 'chosen' are they? Ew.

Yes both DH spoke about cheating when we first got together. If either of us ever had- no, if either of us had ever been cheated on- yes! and lastly what would happen if one of us did. In reality I don’t think either of us would as we’ve both had heartbreak several times with a cheating other half. But it’s definitely a deal breaker for both of us, not something either of us would forgive or forget. We both feel so strongly about it!

So if hypothetically one of us did cheat we would do it knowing our marriage was over and being okay with/wanting that. And in that case why cheat and not just end the marriage and not destroy the other with infidelity. That’s what we both think.

I wouldn’t have even dated DH if `he might decide to stay with her’ was his attitude towards cheating!

surely you pointed out that it takes two to tango, and if Emma wanted out Emma gets out! Dreadful Husband doesn't get to play happy families because he has changed his mind.

What did he say when you responded, "But what if she doesn't give him that choice and just leaves him?"?

@youvegottenminuteslynn exactly, are they both meant to do the pick me dance?! Fuck that’s, the odds of me doing that dance are slim

It really doesn’t matter what the conversation is. People say all sorts of shit when they’re trying to get into your pants. With my ex he was whiter than white. Any sort of cheating he was aghast with moral outrage and if he ever did that to me then he would sign over his entire estate because it was so outrageously unlikely. Until 5 years later. When I found him in bed shagging my mate. Plus the lies he’d told for a year leading up to that discovery. So you just have to state your boundaries, make sure you aren’t totally reliant on your partner, have your own friends and have the ability/strength/finances to kick somebody to the curb the minute they stick it in somebody else

@muchadoaboutlife that is SO well put.

What PP said - haven't been cheated on like that myself, but truly believe you never know what anyone else is capable of, doesn't matter who they are.

I wouldn’t take a cheater back.

@muchadoaboutlife and I'm really sorry to hear that

Talk is cheap. Heads are easily turned. Plus, you only get one side of the story on their past relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever even been in a relationship where their moral stance has ended up being 100% true.

and I stick to my words. From the moment I found out he was cheating I was done. I moved out within a week and after that I never saw/spoke to him again apart from professional polite emails about sorting out finances. Zero relationship or emotional conversation. He was dead to me. Obvs if you have kids it’s not that simple but I personally would hire somebody to be the hand over chaperone. He’d never see or speak to me again. Dead. Anyone who cheats and the person they cheat with no longer exists. Pride.

and if I ever do happen to see him or her again now many many years later, I would smile widely and shake their hands earnestly and be sassy with a huge “thank you so much. If you hadn’t done what you did I’d have been stuck and never had the amazing life I have now”

We’ve both been married before.

I have my own deal-breaker based on that. DH was cheated on, so I’ve known from day dot that cheating is a trigger for him.

There isn’t much point discussing what iffs like that upfront. Of course - most people don’t start off a relationship planning to cheat, or thinking they can.
Also - most think that it’d be a dealbreaker.

Then years pass; kids; joined lives; familiarity; intimacy changes; resentments; aging - and things don’t always work out the way we think/plan as when we are younger.
Even here on MN - many posts start with ‘I have always thought it’d be a dealbreaker, but now it happened to me, I can’t do it...”

What your DP said doesn’t have to be a red flag. In any relationship - over time - people may face temptations. And it is also possible to face it, consider it, not act on it and decide that it’s not worth acting on it.

Point I am making is that you can’t predict future. Just live in the present and make sure you don’t neglect your relationship. All you can do really.

Such wisdom here from different perspectives!

I don't think his comment was particularly bad, in the context of that movie.
Your comment kind of sounded like well she has no choice now because he's made his choice.....so he was saying that wasn't true.

Had you said "wipe those tears Emma and get that bastard out by New year" then he might have agreed with that comment!

Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

DH's brother cheated. We were the only ones he confided in immediately afterwards so we had lots of discussions around infidelity.
Now I'm not naive enough to assume that because of that, it would never happen to us as everyone is human after all, but we both know where our line is and it was a good learning moment for us both to see how infidelity implodes not only the couple, but also the wider family too. We saw that even with full remorse and regret, and forgiveness, the relationship is very often shattered beyond repair, as it was in this case, and I think it made us reassess and value our relationship. It was all so futile, literally a grubby shag in a car with someone who didn't mean anything. You could understand someone throwing away the marriage if it was for someone they have strong feelings for but for a one-night-stand? So pointless.

DH loves his brother, but not once did he excuse what he did. He didn't rant and rail about how terrible it was, but his dismay at his brother's poor choices were obvious to me. His advice to his DB was very 'mumsnetty' and in line with my own views around the topic.

I will be having a pre nup when I get married but only because i have been gifted money for any future grandchildren to have so I’ll be damned if I get married and then unfortunately divorced that he won’t be taking any money off me. Some people won’t agree with it but I don’t like the idea of someone taking someone else’s inheritance.

I told me ex h before we married that if he ever wanted out, to tell me and not cheat on me. He agreed. I then found out when our oldest was almost 2 and I was 7 months pregnant that he had cheated on me on a night out.

I wasn't in a position mentally to end things and really thought we could put it behind us. We did for 10 years and then I found out he was having a full blown affair. His bag was packed when he got home from work that day. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't change him and I didn't wait around for him to decided what he wanted because by that point I had realised that hat he was offering me wasn't what I wanted.

Love Actually breaks my heart ever since as we got married at Christmas, separated a few days after Christmas and part of me finding out was finding a receipt for something that definitely wasn't the slippers I opened on Xmas day.

@sunshineandflipflops wow I'm so sorry, yeah a lot of links there can see why you'd avoid it. Hope you've found a happy alternative now?

Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

That would strike me as pointless, as the kind of man who's going to cheat on you is hardly likely to be a man whose supposed views or promises about fidelity will turn out to have been true. Tbh I'd rather rely on my own assessment of a partner's character and moral compass than try and extract some kind of policy on fidelity from him. If I felt I had to do that, I'd pretty much have decided he was untrustworthy.