Kind of "cheating pre-nup"

[Reclinehard]

DP made a comment while we were watching Love Actually the other day that made me think.. It was the scene where Emma Thompson opens the CD and realises her husband bought the jewellery for the OW, and she's in the bedroom having a minute.
I said "she's got to deal with it now, he's broken up the family, that's it"
He said "not necessarily, he could have a think and decide he actually wants to stay with his wife"
Now this set alarm bells ringing in case this is his attitude to cheating..
Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

[quote Reclinehard]@sunshineandflipflops wow I'm so sorry, yeah a lot of links there can see why you'd avoid it. Hope you've found a happy alternative now? [/quote]
Thanks. Yes, I've been separated almost 3 years now and am in a relationship with a lovely man. I''ll never be the same person I was and will always keep a little something back for self-preservation but I refuse to let what he did define me.

I am hoping for the necklace this year, not the slippers x

[Reclinehard]

@lazylinguist that makes a lot of sense. My first relationship (baptism of fire at 17) was with a very charming extrovert.. I definitely talked about cheating with him and I ultimately found out that he cheated on me A LOT. Biggest thing I learnt from that is, for someone his age, personality and background, no female friends = red flag

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@lazylinguist

Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

That would strike me as pointless, as the kind of man who's going to cheat on you is hardly likely to be a man whose supposed views or promises about fidelity will turn out to have been true. Tbh I'd rather rely on my own assessment of a partner's character and moral compass than try and extract some kind of policy on fidelity from him. If I felt I had to do that, I'd pretty much have decided he was untrustworthy.

Yes, I'm not sure I'd ever make someone promise they won't cheat on me as I don't think many adulterers enter into a relationship intending to be unfaithful. More that now I set out my expectations of a relationship and my boundaries about what I will and won't accept.

There will never be a second chance again from me with anyone.

[Reclinehard]

@sunshineandflipflops that's good to hear. I hope you get that last bit back before too long

[mindutopia]

I don't know if dh and I have ever actually sat down and had an intentional conversation about what would happen if one of us cheated. We have certainly discussed infidelity and we also know each other's values well enough that honestly it's not a necessary conversation. Frankly, he knows I am quite combative and well, he knows that the outcome would not be a good one for him if I ever found out he was cheating on me. But I also think this sort of comes with the preparation for marriage or any other longterm relationship. If you get to that point of a serious longterm relationship, it should be pretty clear what your values are and where the line in the sand is. Dh definitely knows mine. Though I don't actually know if I can say I would know his. Obviously, I would not cheat on him, but I don't actually know what he would do if I did. He is much more of a peace maker and much more forgiving than I am, so I suspect he wouldn't be as quick to throw me and all my stuff out the front door - which says probably a lot about our personalities and ways of dealing with conflict.

[lazylinguist]

I've been married for nearly 20 years. The reason I'm as confident I can be that dh wouldn't cheat is not because of the amount I think he loves me (that's no guarantee against cheating) or because he vehemently claims to hate cheaters. It's because I'm pretty certain he's not the type. He's open and honest to the point of being too blunt for some people, and he'd think it waa a weak, pathetic, twatty thing to do. I wouldn't cheat on him either. I've probably got a less firm moral compass than him, but frankly I can't imagine having my head turned - I'm just not interested. And I'm very choosy. I'd rather have a cup of tea.

[Shoxfordian]

My dh and I are clear that cheating would result in divorce. Interesting that your dp thinks it'd be Alan Rickmans character who could choose who he stays with. If my dh cheated then he wouldn't have the choice of being with me anymore

[LilyWater]

@lazylinguist

Made me wonder, do you openly talk about what would happen to your relationship if your partner (or you) cheated?

That would strike me as pointless, as the kind of man who's going to cheat on you is hardly likely to be a man whose supposed views or promises about fidelity will turn out to have been true. Tbh I'd rather rely on my own assessment of a partner's character and moral compass than try and extract some kind of policy on fidelity from him. If I felt I had to do that, I'd pretty much have decided he was untrustworthy.

This 100%

By definition, cheaters are devious liars. You therefore can't expect that what's coming out of their mouth is actually what they would truly do/truly think. Most men anyway will just say what they think the woman wants to hear for an easy life.

[Reclinehard]

Yes @shoxfordian that worried me too. Obviously I retorted accordingly but can't remember what I said cos the sound of alarm bells was so distracting. Something high pitched and incredulous.

[Jobsharenightmare]

Yes we have a relationship contract from Beverly Stone setting out our hopes, expectations and red lines.

[user1493413286]

DH and I have had that conversation and we both always say it would end the relationship. In truth I think I’d consider forgiving a one night stand at particularly bad times in our marriage but I’d never tell him that.
I really hated that part of love actually; it made me feel that you can never rely on a relationship being what it seems.

[Reclinehard]

@jobsharenightmare really? Have you ever had to refer to it? Actually I'd completely forgotten, I wrote something similar from my perspective when we were going through a tough time just before DD was born

@user1493413286 that is exactly how I feel. I think I'd feel much worse if it was an emotional affair than a drunken one night stand. Apparently men feel the opposite but idk how true that is.

[Oxyiz]

Cheating just seems like the stuff of fiction to me, something that doesn't happen in real life. I can't fathom why anyone would want to, even if they had the chance.

I'm as confident as you can be that DH wouldn't cheat. We're both autistic, fucking terrible at lying and very honest with each other, super close, and even out of lockdown spend the majority of our time together. It would be so very ludicrously out of character that it seems impossible.

... But I also know that many on Mumsnet would say "never say never" and that they'd thought as much too. It would definitely end everything.

[Jobsharenightmare]

Well we also have monthly check ins where we talk through the following agenda that links to our contract too:

Appreciation for each other (naming 5 things have appreciated in the other)
Our top need for the weeks ahead
Our biggest want (but not need)
Surprises (good or bad) in the past month
Fears for the weeks ahead
The best thing about being together
When we felt most loved

Can you tell how much we are invested in not letting our relationship go down the toilet? We were both married before and this time are actively protecting our marriage from the get go and constantly working on it.

We have been doing this for 17 years so far and we love it.

[lazylinguist]

Yes we have a relationship contract from Beverly Stone setting out our hopes, expectations and red lines.

Is that in any way binding? Because tbh I can imagine someone signing that and completely ignoring it. Not suggesting that's the case with you of course.

[Jobsharenightmare]

No not binding at all. It is a symbolic document.

[lazylinguist]

Wow Jobshare, that's very... thorough. Dh and I would cringe ourselves inside out doing that, but I'm glad it's working for you! It must be if you've been doing it for 17 years.

[user1493413286]

@Reclinehard it’s interesting that men would feel differently. I just know I couldn’t forgive or move past something that involved real feelings

[Jobsharenightmare]

Haha yes @lazylinguist I know... I've only ever told one friend in real life and she cringed so you're not alone there! It works for us as you say.

[Reclinehard]

@jobsharenightmare wow well if it works it works! I think people's initial negative reaction is cos we all still buy into the fairytale romance that doesn't need any maintenance. Clearly isn't the case looking at the divorce rate. Something to bear in mind, thanks.