How to divorce mentally unstable DH?

[kokobeanqueen]

So after many years of living with an addict and giving him loads of support and chances to get clean, I'm done.

I can't live with his paranoia anymore, his constant sleeping and avoiding reality, his constant messing with the computer and phone lines due to his paranoia, his weird and inappropriate behaviour. The list is endless.

I have instructed my solicitor to commence divorce proceedings but dread having to live with him pending the sale of the house, dividing of assets,...

I suspect he will become unpleasant (not physically) but what do I do if he ignores legal correspondence? What if he is difficult about selling the house? What if his mental health declined further and he becomes a nightmare to live with?

If I move out then I'm certain this will mean the house sale will be affected (he is very messy)?

For context, been together 20+ years and got 1 DD (15) living with us.

Just looking for practical advise to make it go as smoothly as possible.

I can't offer any practical help, but bumping for you.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

Thank you. Although I have a few supportive friends,I feel so alone.

You should read the threads by the lady in France, I think her username is Jamais something?

She's just gone through this exact thing.

I'm off to look for her thread now. Thanks.

He's just come downstairs and started a nonsense conversation which ended with him heavily implying that I was defrauding him.

Not told him about divorce yet - he's probably under the influence of drugs and I'm in the house on my own with him do feeling quite uneasy.

This is hard core but can you look at getting him sectioned? Or in a facility somewhere? He sounds delusional and not safe.

I don't think it's easy getting people sectioned. Whilst he can act OTT in public, his psychotic behaviour is usually at home (after he has taken drugs late afternoon).

I can move out if necessary to my parents' house but logistically it will be a pain.

I just want a tardis to transport me to the next chapter of my life - I know he is going to make my life hell.

This is the thread Plaice mentioned, there are 2 previous ones as well www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020

Can you ask your solicitor to advise on the consequences of what would happen if you were to move out and rent somewhere?

Thanks for the link. I'll have a read through that.

I wish I didn't have to deal with this but i have to be strong now or I'll never get away. He knows he is losing his power and is frightened.

Find a good solicitor that you trust and who understands the complexities of your relationship who will help guide you through it. The difference that can make is enormous.

I’m not being funny, but do you have a good lock or even two, on a bedroom Door, just in case. Maybe keep a spare phone and charger in there too. If he’s that unstable, I would sleep in a locked room, once he knows what’s happening. Any violence at all and you need to phone the police.

@GetRid

Can you ask your solicitor to advise on the consequences of what would happen if you were to move out and rent somewhere?

Yes, I will do. My sol initially advised me to stay put if possible or to get an injunction (before he came out of rehab last time). He isn't physically violent - just very paranoid and strange. Keeps accusing me of having affairs, thinks the phone/pc is hacked and there are hidden cameras in the house.

If I move out, the mortgage still needs to be paid.

@DeliciouslyFemale

I’m not being funny, but do you have a good lock or even two, on a bedroom Door, just in case. Maybe keep a spare phone and charger in there too. If he’s that unstable, I would sleep in a locked room, once he knows what’s happening. Any violence at all and you need to phone the police.

I have put a step ladder in front of the bedroom door tonight and will look into getting some locks.

I think he has interfered with landline cable as phone and internet are down (unless it is a local problem). Got my mobile with me.

He should leave me alone and no doubt he'll act 'normal' tomorrow until the cycle begins again.

I would explore the injunction/occupation order route in more depth with your solicitor, there have been cases where they've been awarded when there's no violence and your situation sounds fairly unbearable. I would imagine the fear of living with him through the whole divorce process is probably worse than the fear of his reaction to an injunction/order so it probably is the lesser of two evils, at the very least you won't have to witness his anger if he's not living with you. Do your homework before you act and make sure he knows nothing until you have everything in place and are ready, you can't afford to take risks if he's unstable

He's not sane. Don't be so quick to say you can't have someone sectioned - if he's having a psychotic episode and you call the police he may well be. Or they may well remove him. He's actually very dangerous and you need to set the wheels in motion to protect yourself. If you're solicitor is not advising you how to then you may need to contact one specialising in DV. This is also a child protection issue let's not forget,

There are also support groups for wives of addicts - some may have some useful information

And so it begins....

I've told him that I have filed for divorce last week. He is doing his sad routine and avoiding the issue.

Yesterday, I said that we would need to start thinking about clearing the loft and garage out (the garage is chock a block with his equipment). He said there was no rush.

Last night, I fell asleep on the sofa and he woke me to tell me his watch had gone missing - the implication being that it was something to do with me.

I just know he will drag this whole thing out.

You're doing the right think, OP. One step at a time.

Have you got the locks sorted out yet?

Can you pay somebody to come in and help you clear the loft, if he won't? Email him regarding matters like this, and the expense could be taken into account in the settlement?

How are your finances - how much do you spend on his income (does he have one)?

Depend on, not spend

That doesn't sound nice, OP. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing for you and your daughter. This can't be a pleasant environment for her, either.

Best of luck to you.

Not just a lock on your door but your DD's. She needs protecting too.

Thanks for your responses. Yes, am sorting locks. Not dependent on him financially either - although would need to sell the house to be able to move on.

He's just in complete denial. I suppose once the papers are served he may take it more seriously or just ignore it.

What happens if he doesn't respond to any legal paperwork? Is there a default procedure?

Take photos of any sorting you do. Keep a list of possessions and ensure you get any changes signed by him. Don't give him any leverage whatsoever..

And if it were me I'd get all really important documents out and kept safe. I really hope this doesn't suddenly turn but if it does being able to get out quickly (even if it's just temporary) and not leave anything super important behind will be crucial