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Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

(152 Posts)
jamaisjedors Sat 04-Jan-20 17:58:17

So this is my FIFTH shock thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

smile

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-20 18:08:53

We're all still here supporting you, you've come a long way in 13 months!

Raindancer411 Sat 04-Jan-20 18:12:02

You are doing well. Sending a virtual hug

billybagpuss Sat 04-Jan-20 18:14:15

I am neither experienced nor wise, but have dipped in and out of your threads throughout, I think you are amazing and so strong and hope if nothing else I’m good for an occasional cyber hand hold.

Happy new year @jamaisjedors 💐

PurpleBee39 Sat 04-Jan-20 18:17:34

Your post is amazing, sadly I have no advice, just keep strong and keep on going like you are. You will be free of this man in the next 2 years and you can build the life you want for your family. Wishing you all the best x

OhioOhioOhio Sat 04-Jan-20 18:18:31

Omg. Where have you all been? Sounds like my saga and I'm nearly at the 4 year mark now.

sameasiteverwasantiques Sat 04-Jan-20 18:26:04

Your doing amazing ❤️

coiner Sat 04-Jan-20 19:38:54

Years from now, maybe this experience will become a book and it will help even more women.

SirChing Sat 04-Jan-20 19:45:11

Happy new year @jamaisjedors from a long time lurker but very rare poster. I hope seeing how far you have come gives your strength going forwards.

I agree with posters on the last thread, that to some extent it's irrelevant whether your ex's behaviour is down to his personality disorder or him just being an arsehole. As those things are both simultaneously true about him, it would be impossible to unpick. Plus, lots of PDs have arsehole behaviour amongst their diagnostic criteria anyway.

I do think that brief, polite, superficial emails are probably best with your ex. It's hard to grey rock someone who will be in your life for the forseeable. That doesn't mean you have to enter into discussion with him though. The reply you sent to his email was perfect. It wasn't as potentially antagonistic to the situation as ignoring it may have been, it restated your views clearly, whilst simultaneously giving him no further information for him to take apart and throw back at you. You played a blinder there.

I hope 2020 sees the Jamais household at peace and finding happiness, and hope that your ex stops fixating his delusions on you too wineflowers

WhatchaMaCalllit Sat 04-Jan-20 19:47:29

I've been reading your threads @jamaisjedors and I just wanted to pop in on this thread to say that I think you've done the right thing for you and your children and that I think you're great! Sometimes we don't get to say that enough to one another but I really do think you're great. Keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it probably seems like a very long tunnel but there is an end in sight.

NettleTea Sat 04-Jan-20 19:50:08

hanging in there with you Jamais, and lets hope the new decade marks a new start

whiteroseredrose Sat 04-Jan-20 20:12:08

It may take time but keep being reasonable. You'll get there in the end and it will all be worth it.

Onabusgoingnowhere Sat 04-Jan-20 20:20:32

Just adding to say I’ve been reading since the beginning and inspired to end my own nightmare. Posted many times, under many names on here. Finally saw the light - but still trying to reach it 😂

He is (as many pointed out and is clearly playing out to be) a narcissist. I now have specialist online support and am a different person to a year ago. Just need to sell the house and properly move on!!

We will get there but these men are not normal and generally the personality disorder is not recognised widely yet. It is the hardest thing to make that break but we did it! So keep on keeping on. Xx

Mix56 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:01:13

Inspirational as Jamais !

BumbleBeee69 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:12:35

Yahoo.. found you OP.. Happy New Year flowers

SandyY2K Sat 04-Jan-20 21:30:30

As far as I'm aware (in the UK anyway) you need to be seperated for 5 years to divorce without his consent or agreement.

2 years would be with mutual consent...which he isn't down for obviously.

Hang in there.

jamaisjedors Sat 04-Jan-20 21:31:29

Ahh happy NEW year and new decade everyone!

Fresh starts all around.

And why not for a book- I'm considering it and have always wanted to write.

I'll keep you posted wink

Just realised cut and pasting was a bit hasty for my first post above - exH is no longer in a psychiatric facility, he is out and back at work etc but with no guarantees to anyone that he is having follow up care or taking his meds.

flowers

meercat23 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:43:13

SandyY2K. The OP is in France and laws are different there

Bluebellforest1 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:49:16

Have been reading from the beginning.i absolutely admire your strength and determination. Onwards and upwards. X.

Nix32 Sat 04-Jan-20 22:18:08

Another one who has been reading since the beginning. You are a complete inspiration! Wishing you a happy and peaceful 2020.

CharityDingle Sat 04-Jan-20 23:24:15

Just dropping in to wish you well. You are an amazing woman, and I hope that many others who feel trapped, for one reason or another, will take renewed courage and inspiration from your threads.

CharityDingle Sat 04-Jan-20 23:37:45

Read the end of your previous thread just now. Email response perfect, IMO. He will never understand how you could leave HIM. After all you were the one who was permanently in the wrong, in his mind.
KOKO.

Haffdonga Sat 04-Jan-20 23:42:45

It's going to be a good year, Jamais. smile No doubt it will be tough at times but but just look how far you've come in the last year and since the year before that, You are a whole new person. flowers

EsmeSwan Sun 05-Jan-20 00:00:28

Hi Jamais, Happy New Year to you and your DC!

I have followed your threads and I just want to say I think you are amazing!

Blondebakingmumma Sun 05-Jan-20 01:01:35

I have been here with you since your very first post! You have done an amazing job to get to where you are and thing can only continue to get better. Fingers crossed this is the year for your divorce! 🤞

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