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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband pushed me twisted it onto me

29 replies

Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 06:55

Husband pushed a door into me with 3 toddlers in the house on Saturday, he has this rage which sometimes comes out in terms of shouting swearing but is usually fine.
Twisted it to say it’s my fault as I shouted at him to hurry up and get ready - I did this.
He then left all weekend no word and has gone to work without saying anything today. Ignored my calls last night.
He also said he doesn’t know what he was thinking marrying me and I should find a new man who will put up with the shit.
It will be twisted into me causing the reaction due to bursting in and shouting and no apology.
I think I want him to go now as he’s done this a handful of times before.
Feel sad about being alone with toddlers and especially with covid :(

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 05/10/2020 06:56

He isnt usually find, op. He is Abusive. Contact womens aid. Font raise children in an abusive
Home.

KaptainKaveman · 05/10/2020 06:58

Do you even have to ask OP? he is an abuser and total arsehole. Ask yourself this question: Do you want to stay with a man who is physically abusive, buggers off for entire weekends leaving his own children (I'm assuming they are his) and then blames you?

Change the locks while he is out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 07:07

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your marriage is over in all but name because of his abuse of you and in turn your children. You and in turn they cannot live like this.

I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid ASAP as well as seeking legal advice.

Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 07:37

I’m in shock he is confident that he’s done nothing wrong. Is denial common?! It’s like he is hard steel no emotions.

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/10/2020 07:40

"Look what you made me do" is the abuser's motto - as soon as someone says that you need to think twice about them.

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2020 08:19

This is abusive behaviour, op. Even the ignoring you is an abuse tactic.

You did not cause this by asking him to hurry up. He is an abusive violent man, and you should be rethinking your future.

jdoejnr1 · 05/10/2020 08:23

Did he do it deliberately? I'm assuming hid did but you don't say either way.

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2020 08:35

@Autumnblues2020

I’m in shock he is confident that he’s done nothing wrong. Is denial common?! It’s like he is hard steel no emotions.
Absolutely. Abusers never think they do anything wrong.
Newwayofthinking · 05/10/2020 08:39

This

Husband pushed me twisted it onto me
HomeTheatreSystem · 05/10/2020 09:56

In a normal healthy relationship, where one partner isn't happy with the way the other was acting/behaving, they would sit down and talk about it. They would see if together they could find solutions to the issues: they would discuss with each other their perspectives on what was happening and their feelings. If after all that they felt there was no hope and they wanted out, they would initiate the process to separate. None of this involves pushing your partner into a door and telling them THEY are responsible for YOUR actions. Your partner is abusive and it will only get worse. Do not be deceived into thinking that because this type of thing happens occasionally and that the rest of the time things are good, that this isn't as serious as it is. If I made you your favourite meal but told you I'd put 5 grams of shit in it you wouldn't eat it.

Contact Women's Aid for guidance and support and also read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Although your children are very young they will be picking up on his behaviour and normalising it. For their sakes and your own don't hang around too long with this sad excuse of a man.

AgentJohnson · 05/10/2020 10:04

@Newwayofthinking, yes, yes, yes.

BubblyBarbara · 05/10/2020 10:06

He also said he doesn’t know what he was thinking marrying me and I should find a new man who will put up with the shit.

Tell him his wish is granted. You’ll be filling for divorce and he can fucc off

Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 10:52

Yes he pushed the door on purpose. I was really loud and burst in shouting out of frustration as kids were driving me mad. Yes this is not a great way to behave but his reaction does not mean it’s ok because I acted wrongly. I’m not that stupid.

We can’t really afford another place, not sure how we are supposed to live together through separation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 10:52

He will say you don’t listen and the result is what happened, If you didn’t piss me off then it wouldn’t have happened etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 10:53

He was trying to push me out of the room with the door and close me out

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 05/10/2020 11:51

This is not a good relationship nor is it healthy for the children to grow up in.

Pack his shit and tell him to go

Redcups64 · 05/10/2020 11:57

Well it depends, no one should be abusive but sometimes people get pushed too far and lose it. However losing it more than once in a span of 8 years is not good, and repeated is a big NO! I have once hit my partner, but he pushed me to the point of exploding, which is practically unheard of as I don’t condone violence in any sense and nothing itrates me more than a women hitting a man knowing he won’t retaliate, as no man or women should put up with domestic abuse, but in a blue moon someone can push the other past the brink.

EKGEMS · 05/10/2020 12:22

Oh for god's sake @Redcups64 there's no excuse whatsoever for abuse

user13745865422563 · 05/10/2020 12:27

Minimising and blaming you is part of the cycle of abuse.

Women's Aid.

Freedom Programme

Police

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2020 12:50

@Redcups64

Well it depends, no one should be abusive but sometimes people get pushed too far and lose it. However losing it more than once in a span of 8 years is not good, and repeated is a big NO! I have once hit my partner, but he pushed me to the point of exploding, which is practically unheard of as I don’t condone violence in any sense and nothing itrates me more than a women hitting a man knowing he won’t retaliate, as no man or women should put up with domestic abuse, but in a blue moon someone can push the other past the brink.
NO excuse for abuse.

You are victim blaming your partner. It is YOUR fault when you lose control and hit out, not his.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 12:54

Autumn

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Your marriage is over because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out against you and in turn your kids. Children are not stupid and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, here. It will do them no favours at all for them to continue to grow up within such a repressive and miserable atmosphere.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 12:56

And as user has correctly surmised, minimising and blaming you is all a part of the cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one.

Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 19:47

“You will never change” “you are responsible for your actions”

That’s what I was told earlier. Told him to go to a hotel. He doesn’t seem bothered at all.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 05/10/2020 20:00

I don’t understand what happened really.

He was in a room and you burst in and shouted and he blocked your entrance with the door and shoved you back out?

Regardless of whether he’s “at fault” or not (he is, btw) this is not a good relationship or environment for your children to witness.

He is 100% to blame for ANY abusive behaviours but you simply can’t act that way, and I mean that as a totally separate thing to his actions.

What happens when the kids drive you mad again? Will they be on the receiving end of it?

You absolutely need to get away from him but I would suggest you also address your anger.

Original poster
Autumnblues2020 · 05/10/2020 20:03

Yes he shoved me back out with the door and his hands pushing me.
Yes I agree it’s not right for the children to be around it.

OP posts:
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