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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to get rid of an old boyfriend

35 replies

Pinky1952 · 24/09/2020 23:53

I need some advice. I have been very stupid and got myself into a situation. I don't know what to do. I've been married to my second husband for 25 years. For the last 3 years we've been at home together due to his retirement due to ill health and my retirement. Just before lockdown I answered a post on Facebook and someone responded to my reply. It was a boyfriend I had over 50 years ago. He is now 77, divorced after 47 years of marriage and not in good health. He started messaging me and begged me to visit him. I told him it was difficult and he said my hubby should let me have some freedom. He has been a bit nasty in a couple of messages about my weight, smoking and other things. My friend said I should block him. He is always on about the different women he's had but I don't believe some of it. We message every day but it gets a bit much. I have met up with him a couple of times. Everytime I try to cut down on the messaging he sends me a message to say I'm scaring him. He thinks that if anything happens to my husband I will run into his arms. He gives me the guilt trip if I broke off my contact that's him finished. I don't want any type of relationship with him whether I'm married or widowed.

OP posts:
chuffedasbuttons · 25/09/2020 00:01

You need to ghost him.

Now I'm in my 40's so I think I've used the phrase correctly.

Ghosting is when someone you are 'dating' via 'text' suddenly disappears. Hence ghost.

Just block him and disappear. If you don't know how to block, just stop.

Take a hold of your life and stop this nonsense.

Original poster
Pinky1952 · 25/09/2020 00:25

You're right this is what I need to do. Thanks.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 25/09/2020 00:29

No idea why you are still in contact with him. Stop it now Delete all messages, social media links etc and block him.

VanGoghsDog · 25/09/2020 00:31

I had a guy contact me via FB who I had a single date with when I was about ten. I'm now 52.

I was initially oh, hi, how funny to find you.
Then he went nutso. Stalking me, getting really personal, telling me outlandish stories and being "so worried" about me if I didn't reply for maybe a day.

I blocked him and forgot about him. Meh. Life's too short for that shit.

rorosemary · 25/09/2020 00:34

You don't owe him your attention. Just block him. The whole thing sounds uncomfortable.

Unknown69 · 25/09/2020 00:36

@Pinky1952

You're right this is what I need to do. Thanks.
If you block him and ignore him and it doesn't work report him to whatever messaging service your using they will make it so he can't reach you
HumptyD · 25/09/2020 00:51

Definitely
Block him, if you think he will keep trying to get through to you maybe send him a message before and say it’s been nice to catch up but you feel the messages have become abit too frequent and hubby agrees so it’s time for him to speak to somebody else, block and forget! That way he can’t fake being worried about you. And to be honest he can say husband should give you ‘some space’ All he likes but I bet he wouldn’t have liked his wife messages an old boyfriend everyday! Typical way of making your husband sound the problem and not him! Hope you sort it xx

Jasbel · 25/09/2020 01:15

Errr why would you giving him the time of day? Why are you letting him speak to you like that? he sounds horrid. Don’t blame your husband to him, either tell him that he’s band out of order and block him, or simply block him. You owe him nothing if he’s behaving like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2020 01:18

Block.

And if he tries to get a hold of you any other way, tell him in a provable way, that you don't want any more contact. And inform the police if he doesn't listen.

Sounds like a creepy stalker.

Singlenotsingle · 25/09/2020 01:28

He sounds horrible, and you don't want to get involved with a man like that. Just ignore him completely. Block him if that's what it takes.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2020 01:32

For fucks sake. What on earth are you doing? Block this horrible man immediately and never think about him again.

beachydreams · 25/09/2020 07:06

Block him!!what are you doing??

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 25/09/2020 08:00

Why did you feel obliged to do what this, be realistic, complete stranger wants? I dont mean that as a dig at you, but something you could ponder over.

Just block him. He's bullying you. He's manipulated you into doing things you didn't want to do (meet up, daily messages, tolerating nasty comments). You don't need to give him one more second of your life and you don't need to explain anything to him. He is not a nice man.

Leimarel · 25/09/2020 09:40

There's no dilemma here. Block him. Tell your husband everything. Don't be manipulated by a nasty little control freak.

Hailtomyteeth · 25/09/2020 09:50

Just block. He has no right to your time or attention.

Catsarelush · 25/09/2020 09:52

Why would you actually meet up with him? You don’t have to meet, talk or message if you don’t want to.

AvoidingRealHumans · 25/09/2020 10:01

I got to the point where I was replying and talking to someone I used to be involved with even though he wasn't very nice to me and in all honesty I didn't want to.
I think, subconsciously I was worried about his feelings.
In the end I just decided that I needed to get a bit of a backbone and stop putting up with shit that I wasn't happy with.
I told him never to contact me again and blocked him, I felt so much better after and I have used that feeling to stop putting up with shit from other people and learning to say no and not feeling like I have to explain myself all the time either.

I really do feel so much better. If I were you I would just cut contact, tell him you don't want to communicate anymore and then block. If you leave time for a reply he will probably say what he thinks you want to hear and you won't go through with the blocking.
You owe him nothing, do what you want to do.

isthismylifenow · 25/09/2020 10:05

I'm also wondering why you met up with him.

Kalula · 25/09/2020 10:12

So he insults your appearance and you, belittles your marriage - and you actually choose to with him? I don't understand. If your 'relationship' was so long ago and you were young, it was just a kids thing anyway, so why even validate it with meeting up with him? If someone arrogantly assumed I would leave my husband for him, or would return to him if my husband was no longer around, and insulted me and my appearance, I would have blocked him on that first day, and NEVER looked back or answered him ever again. Where is your self esteem? He insulted you he runs down your appearance and you......reward him? I don't get it. He is a loser. He always will be. Block him permanently.

I'd also be worried about what he could do to your husband. Might be worth telling the police to have it on record - or at least just write it down in a book somewhere so you have noted the comments -
he said my hubby should let me have some freedom.
and
He thinks that if anything happens to my husband I will run into his arms.

Maybe it's just me, but those two sentences, when put together ring alarm bells to me. Does he know where you and your husband live?

Kalula · 25/09/2020 10:14

*and you actually choose to [meet] with him?

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 10:19

Block him on all social media and on your phone as well as email if he has that.

You don't owe him anything. Just ghost

Noshowlomo · 25/09/2020 10:30

What a weirdo

SoulofanAggron · 25/09/2020 11:29

Block on everything, especially now he's become verbally/emotionally abusive.

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 11:32

@Pinky1952

I need some advice. I have been very stupid and got myself into a situation. I don't know what to do. I've been married to my second husband for 25 years. For the last 3 years we've been at home together due to his retirement due to ill health and my retirement. Just before lockdown I answered a post on Facebook and someone responded to my reply. It was a boyfriend I had over 50 years ago. He is now 77, divorced after 47 years of marriage and not in good health. He started messaging me and begged me to visit him. I told him it was difficult and he said my hubby should let me have some freedom. He has been a bit nasty in a couple of messages about my weight, smoking and other things. My friend said I should block him. He is always on about the different women he's had but I don't believe some of it. We message every day but it gets a bit much. I have met up with him a couple of times. Everytime I try to cut down on the messaging he sends me a message to say I'm scaring him. He thinks that if anything happens to my husband I will run into his arms. He gives me the guilt trip if I broke off my contact that's him finished. I don't want any type of relationship with him whether I'm married or widowed.
This boyfriend from over 50 years.. were you in love with him back then and is he reminding you of a past life you sometimes long for ?

He is not the same person as was and neither are you. You need to ghost him as the other lady said before it reverberates on to your marriage.

Ruminating2020 · 25/09/2020 11:37

No contact is the way to go op.

Sadly, I knew someone like this. They seem to be able to detect those with low self esteem and weak boundaries even if you've said no before, they will find a way of undermining that. My experience put a strain on my marriage and my mental health which I am still feeling guilty and ashamed about today.

Please just block him and have nothing more to do with him. His feelings are not your responsibility. Your marriage is your priority here, please do not let this poisonous creature destroy you.