To be pissed that DP doesn't talk to me?

[Turbotastic]

I just wrote out a long message and accidentally deleted it so I'll keep it short 😂

Aibu to be pissed that dp will go 2,3,4 days without talking to me, responding to my messages etc. Been together about a year and, according to a recent conversation with him, he definitely sees us as being long term and 'serious'. We are both in our 30's, no kids involved.

*FWIW we don't live together!

Do you mean he generally takes that long to respond to messages, or that this only happens when you've argued and he's in a bad mood and ignoring you?

I’d be worried that it shows you’re not really friends. I mean, strip everything else away and you should at least like each other - and that means wanting to share stuff about your lives with each other. DP has been away for two days with a friend - I feel no need for us to be in constant contact and am not clingy but we’ve had 3/4 short text exchanges today, just about what’s going on, the weather ruining plans etc. No need for either of us to be attached to phones and no expectation of instant replies, just a little check in. I’d feel like I wasn’t entering into his mind at all if he spent days and days without contacting me.

It's all the time but some days worse than others. I just feel like we'll have a lovely day or couple of days together but when we he leaves it's like I don't exist anymore. Out of sight, out of mind?

@Michaelbaubles yes that's exactly it. I'm not clingy, I'll send the odd message to ask if I'm going to see him or how his day is going - no response. It's just not what I expect when he is so emphatic about us being serious and long term. How can I be with someone who you basically forgets I exist and doesn't think of me when I'm not physically in front of him?!

I had two years of this. Walked away in the end. He married someone else and gave her hell for 30 years apparently. When he died she found someone else within two years and is happy for the first time.

It’s weird that someone can profess to think of someone as a long term partner but basically shut them out of their life! I was dating someone one who told me nothing about his life at all really. We weren’t ever serious but I should have realised he didn’t even see me like that when he’d never divulge any information about his life. With DP when we’re apart I’d know stuff like what he had for tea and anything funny that had happened. Just little nuggets that you wouldn’t really share with anyone else. It’s what raises your relationship above a casual one IMO. And I know some posters on here sneer at people who text often but I’m old enough to remember a time before mobiles and you’d still call every other day or so for a long catch up if you were apart!

Deal-breaker for me. And I’m not someone who needs lots of reassurance with texting or anything else. This guy can’t manage basic courtesy, which turns out to be more important in long term relationships, rather than less.

You’ve presumably talked to him about it? Discussions on dealbreakers usually happen before the ‘I can see this going all the way’ comments start up. Frame it as a courtesy/dealbreaker thing, if you’re worried about looking needy or clingy. If communication is key to a solid match, then surely being bad at communicating is a red flag?

Yes I have brought it up before and it always seems to end with him apologising but essentially saying 'oops! Sorry, I forgot/got busy/was seeing a friend, etc etc' which to me does not constitute a reasonable excuse for days on end. To me the lack of communication says that he basically doesn't think about me when I'm not there and doesn't prioritise staying in touch with me when anything else is in the frame. I'm the last thought, or so it feels. But when I'm with him it feels the opposite!

I'm so confused 😞

I've sent him a bunch of angry messages because I'm just fed up and had enough.

I'd knock this one on the head if I were you. You can do much better. I'd rather be with someone who really adored me than be a passing thought!

@Michaelbaubles

It’s weird that someone can profess to think of someone as a long term partner but basically shut them out of their life! I was dating someone one who told me nothing about his life at all really. We weren’t ever serious but I should have realised he didn’t even see me like that when he’d never divulge any information about his life. With DP when we’re apart I’d know stuff like what he had for tea and anything funny that had happened. Just little nuggets that you wouldn’t really share with anyone else. It’s what raises your relationship above a casual one IMO. And I know some posters on here sneer at people who text often but I’m old enough to remember a time before mobiles and you’d still call every other day or so for a long catch up if you were apart!

Agreed. DH and I have been together 20 years and still message each other several times a day.

OP, I wasted over two years of my life in a relationship like this as I did not see or value my worth at that time. I never knew where I stood with him, he would say the perfect things whilst we were together but when we were apart I felt insignificant and a hindrance. We split and he married an older woman who he had dated a few years before me. I am now happily married to my DH who has never made me question his commitment to me and ensures I know how much he loves me. My best friend always says that actions speak louder than words, in the case of my ex-partner and your DP this is true, they can talk the talk but not walk the walk when they talk about how they see the future of the relationship. You deserve a partner who wants to speak to you on a regular basis and enquire after your well-being. Being ignored for days at a time is cruel and unnecessary; you are worth so much more

I agree with PPs.

DP and I don't live together yet but we text and chat every day, just touching base, or snippets of news, or things we think the other might funny...Always have lots to say.

I wouldn't be happy with someone who could ignore me for days and then suddenly be in touch again/want to come round or whatever.

Some men are like this and when you tell them how you feel they are genuinely shocked.

Talk to him. Tell him you like communication. Tell him you are a needy bitch and don't like radio silence. If you don't say something how will he know ?

I have told him though! Maybe I haven't been quite as obvious as I needed to be but I'm definitely told him that it hurts me to be ignored all the time. He knows now though, I didn't sugar coat it in my messages! I didn't want there to be a shred of confusion about why I was upset with him.

Tbh sometimes he uses his MH as an excuse for non contact - he is depressed/has depression and I understand that as I've suffered it myself. But it is just that, an excuse. I've been going through a tough time myself lately and yet I would never ignore him for days on end. Even if I wasn't feeling up for extensive conversation I would just be honest and say that and explain how I felt. I've said this to him before that I wouldn't even mind the non communication if he just said 'hey I'm not feeling great right now, I'll message when I'm feeling better' or something along those lines. But I don't even get that minimal effort 😡

I'm not a many-times-a-day texter. I think it's weird and intrusive. i do, however, expect a reply to a text within a few hours, considering they are not even daily necessarily. Ex-H would disappear for days. He was an arsehole.

You have to work out if this is a deal breaker.

Why are you even bothering with him? This is such a massive waste of your life.

DH and I can go periods of time (an hour or so) without talking, but in mitigation we have been married thirty years and they are comfortable silences.

We took our books to the pub the other day, ordered a drink and sat there for an hour in perfect silence. One of the regulars, a young guy came up to us and said no disrespect, that is the most chilled thing I have seen in ages, I hope I can do that when I am your age.

It is OK after thirty years, but not now.

Depends on the bloke, my DP is basically useless when we aren't together for communication- to the point that I'm ready to ditch him before he replies. I do think that men don't get that same excited 'text back' instinct that women do.

But if it bothers you, just mention it in jest and see what he says. Your
Only a year in- trust me when your years down the line, it becomes a day long convo about dinner and school pickups etc. Enjoy the peace while it lasts!

I think you need to re-think the term “partner”. You are his girlfriend, I suspect.

I only use that because that's what he refers to me as. That's at his insistence rather than mine - I was assuming his lack of communication meant that he wasn't really that into me and didn't see 'us' as very serious. Our conversation about marriage recently (again, he brought it up) and His words when we are together say the opposite but his actions don't match up. Very confusing 😞

It really shouldn't be this hard, op. A happy, healthy relationship doesn't leave you feeling confused, constantly frustrated, and taken for granted.

Please be wise enough to move on.

I don't need constant communication but that wouldn't be enough for me. I've been with my husband for almost thirty years and we message each other a few times a day, even if it's just sending stupid jokes and cat videos. .To me, no communication at all just shows you aren't on his mind at all.

His words sound like future faking.
His actions don't really match what he's saying.

When you're together, do you do things together? Have you met his friends and family? Are you included in his life?

There's some men out there happy to play relationship once or twice a week mostly for the steady sex.

Just move on. It’s a doomed relationship.

He forgets you’re alive and then conveniently remembers when he realizes he won’t get any when he’s dangled you for too long. He’s not your partner.