Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do you expect commitment/relationship after 3 months of dating?

28 replies

katiie3 · 11/08/2020 15:48

Hi guys

There are so many different views to this, but generally speaking from people who have had relationships, by 3 months of dating, what do you expect?

I personally find it quite draining to continually “date” the same person for months without any idea if you will go into a relationship.

How do you bring it up in convo by this point?

What would you accept or not accept by this point whilst dating?

OP posts:

MolotovMocktail · 11/08/2020 16:14

Yes I think 3 months in is about right, you both should have an idea by then about what you want. DH told me he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else about 3 months in, and I agreed a few weeks later If he hadn’t brought it up I would have.

Summer41 · 11/08/2020 16:16

Yes, absolutely. I think that after three dates you should have a good idea if you like someone or not and where you want the relationship to go - casual relationship, just friends, exclusive dating, never see each other again.....

DP and I decided we were a couple after our second date.

I've also been in a couple of short term relationships where the man said he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and just wanted to date - I ended both after a couple of months because I saw it as just an excuse for him to get a regular shag and I didn't want to invest time in a relationship that was going to go nowhere.

After three months with someone, I would come right out and ask, "Where do you think this relationship is going?" and I would be honest about what I wanted. If you're going in different directions then what's the point?

joystir59 · 11/08/2020 16:19

We decided we were going to get married before we went on our first date. But we did know each other well and had fallen mutually in love by then.

OnyourOwn · 11/08/2020 16:21

Yes!

SoulofanAggron · 11/08/2020 16:29

Yes, maybe earlier.

mindutopia · 11/08/2020 16:31

I think it entirely depends on the circumstances and the relationship. If you live far apart, have dc, only see each other once a week or not even, 3 months might still be early days. When dh and I met (in our 20s, no dc, fairly easy flexible lives), we spent probably 5-6 of every 7 evenings together. We were working abroad, in a place with a small English speaking expat community. Even if we didn't intentionally plan to see each other on a given day, we'd often run into each other as we had mutual friends and there was only so much to do or so many places to go for entertainment. We discussed 'being in a relationship' (seeing each other exclusively - though neither of us had ever been seeing other people anyway, again it was a very small world there, so would have been weird - and considering each other 'boyfriend and girlfriend' however cringey that seems) after 3 months. But maybe not if it had been more casual or we'd lived far apart or not seen each other much.

I basically got emotional after a couple too many beers one night and said how much he meant to me and I wondered aloud if we were at a place to consider ourselves 'in a relationship' given what a weird set of circumstances we were living in. He felt equally soppy after a couple of beers. And then that was that. We've been together ever since.

I think if you actually are at that point in the relationship and you're both feeling the same and on the same page, it might be a weird conversation to start, but it shouldn't be too hard to actually discuss it once you do.

Original poster

katiie3 · 11/08/2020 16:48

@Summer41 how did you know the man was looking for a short term casual thing? Did he say it or did his actions reflect this?

OP posts:

Crystalspider · 11/08/2020 16:58

Yes definitely, personally I would know within a month if I thought they were relationship material and if the other person wasn't sure then I wouldn't carry on seeing them.
My relationship now, we both decided to be exclusive after two dates and felt strongly that we weren't interested in anyone else. I also bought the subject up as we both really fancied each other but I said I wasn't going to start sleeping with him unless I was in a relationship, so it was about a month when we did.

LemonTT · 11/08/2020 17:00

I would look at this slightly differently. At 3-6 months you should know if it is not going anywhere and act accordingly.

If there is something there then this is the right time to confirm exclusivity and that you are now in the early stages of a relationship. But for me it’s still getting to know them. This stage is like a second viewing when your head needs to rule over your heart. I don’t think you should commit to anything based on your heart alone.

When the commitment Is to a life together, then you need to be able to live with them not just love them.

PaxRlly · 11/08/2020 17:01

3 -6 months. People usually know by 3 months. Thats when it all starts to unravel, usually .

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2020 17:06

Haha - I'm in the minority.
Just no - but I'm older and don't really want anything too full on - ever!
2 more recent Ex's wanted more - they were duly dumped when it gave me the 'ick!
I'm too happy single so I've given up with dating.

Summer41 · 11/08/2020 20:31

One of them told me he wasn't looking for anything serious he was planning to move to Australia after he finished uni and he wasn't going to stay in the UK for anybody (ten years on he's married with two kids and still lives in his home town (never emigrated anywhere).

Three others were recently divorced by their cheating partners and said they couldn't do the whole falling in love thing again (it turned out one of them cheated on his wife not the other way around).

rvby · 11/08/2020 20:38

I personally find it quite draining to continually “date” the same person for months without any idea if you will go into a relationship.

Its only draining if you don't like the person though... and if you don't like them, you should stop seeing them.

Plenty of women feel as you do but I think it's mostly to do with how girls are taught that if a man wants a relationship with them, then that's a validation of their worth as a person. So if he doesn't want to commit or isn't sure yet, that is an insult etc. Hence feeling drained when you're waiting for him to "pick you"...

It took me nearly a year of dating my dp before I was sure I wanted to commit. Up until that point the test drive was ongoing.

Not draining at all, because he is great company, and my self worth doesn't flow from whether or not he wants to marry me etc.

Glitteris · 11/08/2020 21:31

@katiie3 I totally respect you come for advice but what does it matter what we think is 'acceptable' what do you want?...

If he isn't giving you that he is the wrong one. The longer you give in to them, even though it doesn't feel like it, the longer you don't get what YOU want. The hard to break it off.

What does his action tell you? Not his words.

If he acts as if your a couple when together buy doesn't want to act like that to friends and family then You aren't what he wants long term.

To be honest why would he make you his gf if he is already getting it without the label which still allows him to be classed as ' single'

loopylou2020 · 11/08/2020 21:50

My previous and current relationship we made it official about 3-4 weeks in. That was based on 2 dates a week.

Every situation is different but I'm pretty sure you've got a good idea early on if you really like the person...

Personally after 3 months I'd be wondering why neither have brought it up yet

Emmelina · 12/08/2020 14:04

With three months of seeing each other, could he just be assuming this is a relationship now?
Does he realise this is something he needs to confirm with you?
Are you both “exclusive” to one another?

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/08/2020 14:30

My bf and I announced we were deleting the dating apps after our second date (but really I wasn't interested in anyone else after the first and neither was he).

I dated someone before that for 5 months who I liked a lot but he was quite happy continuing to date and not put a label on it (and also to stay on the apps and keep his options open as it transpired) and in the end it was clear we wanted different things. I should really have ended it sooner but I guess it suited me at that point.

I think 3 months is long enough to know if you have been seeing each other regularly enough.

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 14:40

The modern milestones do seem to be:

Deleting dating apps/declaring exclusivity
Using the word "girlfriend" or similar
Declaring love

in that order, starting from about date 3 on :)

I can't work out from your OP if you are at the first stage or later.
My bf and I have a live-apart relationship so could still technically be described as dating after 3.5 years! This suits us both well.

user1493413286 · 12/08/2020 14:42

If it hadn’t become a relationship by then I think I’d move on; to a certain extent I think you know by then if you’re just dating or not but with my now DH I asked him what I was introducing him as when he met my friends A/

Holothane · 12/08/2020 14:45

I was so lucky with second husband we knew within a fortnight we were close, by Christmas we were talking about the future, we married a year after we met.

SoPanny · 12/08/2020 14:47

I would honestly say about half that - six weeks. Gives you enough time to be able to make an informed judgement about if they are right for you and vice versa and then you cement things by deleting dating apps etc and introducing one another to friends etc as “girlfriend” “boyfriend” etc.

This assumes at least one date a week.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/08/2020 14:52

My bf and I have a live-apart relationship so could still technically be described as dating after 3.5 years! This suits us both well.

@ravenmum Same with me and my bf. We've only been together a year but don't see this changing in the forseable future for a few reasons but mostly because this is my children's home and I won't be moving another man in while they are children.

AnaadiNitya · 12/08/2020 14:54

Go off his actions.

He should have made it quite clear by now if he wanted to be in a committed relationship. I literally could get rid of my dh by the third date.

But I wasted so much of my energy and emotions on men who who just wanted to ‘date’

SimonJT · 12/08/2020 14:55

For me by three months I want monogamy, conversations to have been had about what you actually want from a relationship (in general, not just with that person). Thats around the mark I would start thinking about having sex with them as well.

Obviously it is also dependent on how often you have actually seen each other within those three months.

choli · 12/08/2020 15:01

They were all upfront on the first date, said they wanted to have some fun but not a long term relationship. I just didn't see the point of continuing as I wanted the big white wedding, nice house, kids etc.
I'd run like hell from someone who wanted me to provide a big white wedding, "nice" house and kids after 3 months acquaintance. Good luck with that.

Flip

1 2