Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has split with her boyfriend. Why am I upset?

31 replies

Raven79 · 10/08/2020 18:52

My 18 year old and her boyfriend have split up after being together for 15 months. It was a mutal decision as they didn't see each other much and he had stopped messaging her. She was getting frustrated that she had to initiate contact all the time. I liked him and he had stayed a few times. They have agreed to stay friends but I feel angry and upset. I know it's daft but they had each other's names in their Instagram bios. My daughter said they had agreed to remove them. She hasn't removed his yet but he's deleted her name off. My daughter also said that he complained about our family saying they aren't good for her mental health (my mum and sister are quite outspoken). He was so full on in the beginning saying things like my daughter had changed his life. He just seemed to lose interest quickly and she wasn't a priority anymore. He'd go to the pub or get stoned at the park and then hope to come round. My daughter wasn't interested in any of that. I feel cross with him. My daughter has been in tears as she still likes him but he's pissed me off. She's going to uni soon, so has lots to look forward to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I welcomed him into our family.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/08/2020 18:54

Aw come on OP, she's better off without him!

Be pleased for her and prop her up and have some fun with her and don't make it all about you.

Spritesobright · 10/08/2020 18:59

I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable. You care about your daughter and it sounds like this boyfriend didn't treat her well and now she's upset. Of course you want the best for her.
Well at least she has you to listen to and console her. I used to sob on my mum's shoulder everytime a boy broke my heart.
Hopefully she will learn something from it and move on quickly. At least she didn't let it go on too long beyond when he stopped messaging so she has learned something about boundaries and what to accept.
You sound like a caring and sensitive mum.

Sssloou · 10/08/2020 19:16

He just seemed to lose interest quickly and she wasn't a priority anymore. He'd go to the pub or get stoned at the park and then hope to come round. My daughter wasn't interested in any of that. I feel cross with him.

When did this behaviour start in the 15 months - this is the discussion you need to be having with your DD - SHE should have binned him off long ago when she was clear that this wasn’t what she wanted - not wait for him to fade on her.

What does outspoken mean (your DM and DSis?) - does she have self esteem / MH issues? Have they said anything hurtful to her?

CoopsMalloops · 10/08/2020 19:47

I’d be relieved she had shaken him off. I hope she does well at uni.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 10/08/2020 20:15

I'd be delighted if a daughter of mine broke up with someone like this

ruabon · 10/08/2020 20:38

I hope your daughter's self esteem can improve as she deserves much better than her now ex-boyfriend.

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 20:43

Thanks everyone. She's gone off to see him. They seem to have been speaking more today than they have in a while. We've just got back from holiday for a few days and he hadn't bothered messaging her in that time. We had a lovely time getting away. I don't want her getting hurt.

Sssloou she does struggle with her mental health sometimes. I've tried to get her support. My mum and sister have different values to me and my daughter. They haven't upset her directly. I guess I feel a bit hurt that he feels the need to comment on my family when he's not exactly been treating her the best.

I suppose as it's just me and my daughter I take it all to heart. It's hard being a mum.

OP posts:
Clumsyduck · 10/08/2020 20:48

I can understand you being upset for her but honestly he sounds a bit of a twat I’d be happy she is free Now . I think regardless of him being a twat it’s normal to not stay in the first relationship you get in anyway . 🤷🏻‍♀️ Onwards and upwards for her

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/08/2020 20:56

Raven79 - I hope you are unhappy she's gone off to see him? She needs a clean break from this boy. Please get on with the job of propping her up and showing her she doesn't need his approval, she doesn't need his approval of her family, she doesn't need anything from him! She is cool as she is - a single 18 year old with her whole life ahead of her, she doesn't want to be shackled to a loser like this.

You seem to have a weird view of very young women and relationships?

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 21:19

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Raven79 - I hope you are unhappy she's gone off to see him? She needs a clean break from this boy. Please get on with the job of propping her up and showing her she doesn't need his approval, she doesn't need his approval of her family, she doesn't need anything from him! She is cool as she is - a single 18 year old with her whole life ahead of her, she doesn't want to be shackled to a loser like this.

You seem to have a weird view of very young women and relationships?

Yes I'm not overly happy she's gone off to see him. I told her I hope he's not having his cake and eating it. We've had a long chat about it all, she said it was the right decision not to be with him, so I'm unsure why she wants to see him.

I'm unsure what you mean. What is weird? I told her I'm disappointed in him and that she deserves better.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 10/08/2020 21:19

OP, if you’re going to make a habit of making your daughter’s relationships all about you, she’ll have a very hard road ahead.

woodhill · 10/08/2020 21:21

Yeah really hard, I've been there too and used to get really upset. Totally irrational on my part. Still don't understand it

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 21:23

@VodselForDinner

OP, if you’re going to make a habit of making your daughter’s relationships all about you, she’ll have a very hard road ahead.
I'm just upset that she's upset. I just want her to be happy. We're really close. She came in last night crying. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. It's just me and her. Her dad died.
OP posts:
JenandFlo · 10/08/2020 21:26

Give yourself a shake and realise that this is not about you. Support your daughter and help her to look forward to uni and all the new experiences she’ll have and people she’ll meet.

He doesn’t sound like a catch; be glad he’s gone.

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 21:30

@JenandFlo

Give yourself a shake and realise that this is not about you. Support your daughter and help her to look forward to uni and all the new experiences she’ll have and people she’ll meet.

He doesn’t sound like a catch; be glad he’s gone.

I am doing that? We've spent today discussing uni and watching the online videos. We went out to breakfast and I didn't bring it up unless she wanted to discuss it. I'm unsure how I'm making it all about me. Am I abnormal to feel upset that my daughter's upset?
OP posts:
Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 21:34

I don't know if I've expressed myself all wrong. I'm not upset about him being gone. I'm upset about my daughter being upset. I'm not trying to make it 'all about me'. I am propping her up and encouraging her to focus on the future. I've brought her up alone. She's my only child, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

OP posts:
Nighttimeworries · 10/08/2020 21:43

Thank you for posting this. I have messaged the same in the past. It hurt me so much when DD was dumped by a boy who I didn't even like. I think it was because she is (in my eyes) the most gorgeous wonderful etc person and I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't love her. Also it's combined with my memories of how I felt as a teenager, how I sought validation by having a boyfriend. It blindsided me, I've been prepared for so many mummy feelings but this I was not expecting. I've never let her know, I've tried hard to support her in a better way than my parents did (ie just because they are young it doesn't mean that their emotions are not complicated) but not let her know how I feel. Loving young adult children is hard, they are simultaneously part of you and a different entity.

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 21:54

@Nighttimeworries

Thank you for posting this. I have messaged the same in the past. It hurt me so much when DD was dumped by a boy who I didn't even like. I think it was because she is (in my eyes) the most gorgeous wonderful etc person and I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't love her. Also it's combined with my memories of how I felt as a teenager, how I sought validation by having a boyfriend. It blindsided me, I've been prepared for so many mummy feelings but this I was not expecting. I've never let her know, I've tried hard to support her in a better way than my parents did (ie just because they are young it doesn't mean that their emotions are not complicated) but not let her know how I feel. Loving young adult children is hard, they are simultaneously part of you and a different entity.
Thanks. You've summed up exactly what I'm trying to express. I do think she's the best and it hurts that someone has criticised her (and other members of my family) for just being herself. She's got her head more screwed on than me. Being a mum is hard. I thought once she was an adult it would get easier but it's just different x
OP posts:
ChubbyPigeon · 10/08/2020 22:00

I sotn really understand what you are asking tbh

Someone has treated your daughter like shit, she is upset. It is natural that you to are going to be upset at this situation, someone has hurt the person you love most.

Then you say things like they had each others names in their instagram bios? Just be grateful hes gone tbh

As long as you support your DD, and dont let your feelings known I dont see the harm

CoopsMalloops · 10/08/2020 22:00

I understand what you are saying, you’re just trying to protect her from rejection from someone who isn’t good enough for her and it is hard, my daughter is only 7 and my only child and I am dreading this stuff.

Massive hugs, you sound like a good mom.

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 22:16

Thanks. I don't know what I'm asking either really. It's my first experience of all this.

I know the Instagram thing is stupid and I shouldn't be looking. He's not gone it seems, they are still messaging each other. He's just made it appear to everyone he's single.

I try to be a good mum. We are really close. This is all just hard x

OP posts:
woodhill · 10/08/2020 22:25

@Nighttimeworries

Thank you for posting this. I have messaged the same in the past. It hurt me so much when DD was dumped by a boy who I didn't even like. I think it was because she is (in my eyes) the most gorgeous wonderful etc person and I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't love her. Also it's combined with my memories of how I felt as a teenager, how I sought validation by having a boyfriend. It blindsided me, I've been prepared for so many mummy feelings but this I was not expecting. I've never let her know, I've tried hard to support her in a better way than my parents did (ie just because they are young it doesn't mean that their emotions are not complicated) but not let her know how I feel. Loving young adult children is hard, they are simultaneously part of you and a different entity.
That's definitely it, she was my eldest and it brings back the hurt of your own experiences that had been largely forgotten

Also your own relationship (mine was definitely lacking something at the time)

Onemansoapopera · 10/08/2020 22:40

I get it OP. You feel upset for DD and I suspect a little bit of you feels that your little family has been rejected altogether and isn't deemed good enough by this boy to be part of any longer.

Dogssox · 10/08/2020 22:55

She's 18 and they mutually decided to break up. I can't think of anything worse than my mum crying about my break up. Give the woman some space to think and validate her decision by treating her like an adult. I definitely wasn't a kid at 18 do you know what I mean.

Original poster
Raven79 · 10/08/2020 23:27

I haven't been 'crying about her breakup'. I posted here as I'm a widowed parent with no one else to talk to. I have been supporting her. She's been crying as even though it was a mutal decision she's still upset about it. She's my daughter. I'm upset that she's upset. She knows that I think she's worth better. I thought I was amongst like minded mum's. I have given her space and that's why I thought I'd vent with other mums.

Thanks to those of you who have offered support and reassurance.

I don't think I'll bother posting here again.

OP posts: