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Relationships

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Original poster

He loves his dog but doesn’t love me

32 replies

TrendCboc · 29/07/2020 08:20

My BF has never told me that he loves me. We both have dogs and live separately. He asked me yesterday if he was drowning and my dog was drowning who I’d save. Before I answered I asked him the same question and he replied that he would save his dog.

I’m not hurt as such as it’s such a ridiculous hypothetical situation but I’m worried that this reveals that my feelings for him are stronger than his for me.

Am I just totally overthinking a casual conversation?

OP posts:

InspectorGoul · 29/07/2020 08:37

No you are not overthinking. You have all the information you need now.

I did this once (although it was me and the Ducati). It was the end. The actual end came a few weeks later but it was still the end.

MNX42 · 29/07/2020 08:38

The only reason I can think of for him posing that question is he knew it would inevitably lead to you asking him the same question, and his goal was to let you know that your relationship is not his priority. Why he needed to do that is the interesting part. How long have you been seeing him? Are you trying to progress this relationship more quickly than he feels comfortable with and this is his way of letting you know he's not as serious about you?

Original poster

TrendCboc · 29/07/2020 08:40

We’ve actually been together for years but it’s never really progressed. For a long time this suited me but I’m starting to want/need more from him.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 29/07/2020 08:43

You are wasting your time with this man .

NataliaOsipova · 29/07/2020 08:43

No, that’s not overthinking! Tells you all you need to know. Find someone who values you.

Gorganzolabrie · 29/07/2020 08:44

That would be the end for me. He's chosen a very cowardly and hurtful way of letting you know exactly how little you mean to him.

TigerDater · 29/07/2020 08:45

He was just being plain rude OP, putting you in a place where you may declare you prefer him to the dog then jumping in to clarify he prefers his dog to you.

I love my dog, but I would save almost any human being before her. Mainly because experience has shown me that dogs are very good at saving themselves!

rawlikesushi · 29/07/2020 08:45

I agree with pp. He knew the conversation would lead to him telling you he loves his dog more than you. Unless it was a very ill-judged joke, he was trying to hurt your feelings and belittle you. Please don't spend the rest of your life accepting his crumbs, take back control and end things.

SapatSea · 29/07/2020 08:56

Was it a joke?? If not then you know all you need to about where you stand with him. You say you want more and the relationship has stagnated. He's probably happy plodding along but if he can't give you what you want then it's time to move on.

Rainbowshine · 29/07/2020 09:03

For a long time this suited me but I’m starting to want/need more from him.

So you want things to be more than before. Have you actually discussed that? Any conversation about the relationship specifically?

I don’t know whether to read deeply into the dog question or if it was simply a daft conversation. Look at his actions - what do they tell you?

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 09:08

What a hurtful way to force you to do the breaking up.

I think this is blockable behaviour. He is Bad News and you don't need further contact (hoovering) later when he wants a shag and to fuck with your head again.

It's not you, it's him and it's lifelong and unfixable. Thank your lucky stars there are no permanent ties.

Mittens030869 · 29/07/2020 09:08

That was really unkind, and I agree that it was a cowardly way of telling you that he doesn't love you. Even if it were a joke, it's in very bad taste and I wouldn't want to be with someone who does that.

fuckinghellapeacock · 29/07/2020 09:11

What a twat he is.

Simply2020 · 29/07/2020 09:15

Are you still with him? My ex told me once that when we had been together for 20 years, my reward would be marriage. At the time, we had been together for 3 years, another 17 years. I left him immediately.

We choose to be doormats by choice.

rawlikesushi · 29/07/2020 09:24

Could it have been a joke op? I tell my kids I love them second after the dog but I hope they know it's a joke. Or is it possible that he thought you'd choose your dog and he didn't want to embarrass himself? Hard for us lot to tell really, and it needs to be taken against the context of his other behaviour.

Original poster

TrendCboc · 29/07/2020 10:04

I try to have conversations about where he feels it is heading but he turns it into a joke.

I don’t think it was a joke. He loves his dog. He’s never told me that he loves me and finds any conversations about feelings awkward. The one time I told him that I loved him he looked at me in horror.

I’m not with him at the minute but clearly we need to have a conversation.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

MahMahMahMahCorona · 29/07/2020 10:12

I used to have the same conversations with my exH. "It's me or the dog." He would invariably choose the dog.

The irony is that he walked out three years ago and throughout the entire acrimonious divorce he hasn't asked once about the dog. So he placed me below the dog when he lived here, and he has totally ignored the dog since he left, thereby putting me even lower if that makes sense?

Hideous man.

With regards to your situation I agree with PP - it sounds like he actually wanted you to ask him the question. You have your answer now: if I were you I would end it. You know your place in the hierarchy.

TwentyViginti · 29/07/2020 11:34

The one time I told him that I loved him he looked at me in horror

Says it all, doesn't it?

SapatSea · 29/07/2020 12:06

I'm sorry Twenty it's horrid and really dismissive of your feelings. Perhaps he was "floating a balloon" hoping that if you didn't react to it he could then think "well she knows where I stand, it's her choice"

Yeahnahmum · 29/07/2020 12:07

Run op, run

InspectorGoul · 29/07/2020 13:41

clearly we need to have a conversation

Why? Why bother? I wouldn't embarrass myself by having anything much more to do with him.

I would be terribly busy in a cloud of expensive perfume!

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/07/2020 13:55

He sounds extremely emotionally unavailable OP. I can't see how it can be very fulfilling for you so much as he just passes the time.

Each to their own I suppose but love being expressed is hardly a big ask, let alone after years. Everyone deserves to feel loved and hear affirmations that they are from someone who is invested in them knowing it. He isn't the guy, it isn't about the dog is it he just isn't offering you much.

Original poster

TrendCboc · 29/07/2020 18:03

I think that’s what I want. To know that he cares about/loves me.

I really like both of our dogs but I think it’s a bit much to tell me he prefers his dog to me. I mean who even says that?

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 29/07/2020 18:16

Does he mean it. I think if he means it your gut will tell you. And if so, time to leave. Some people are just not capable of loving another person. Like that part of them is missing. And when they tell you that-listen. And leave.

squanderedcore · 29/07/2020 18:20

Leaving all conversations aside (including the dog-saving one) what do his actions tell you?

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