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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting bf’s kids tomorrow

37 replies

toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 20:27

Been with bf for 18 months and meeting his kids (6 and 4) for first time tomorrow. He’s bringing them over for lunch (he’s bringing their favourite pizza and juice) and a play in my garden (yes - it’s large so social distancing is easy). My kids who are early teens will be there too - they have met my bf a few times before. Any tips on what to do/not to do greatly appreciated. It’s a very big deal for me and I want it to all go smoothly. Thx in advance

OP posts:
LosingTriggers285 · 03/07/2020 20:40

No advice but just to say good luck. I think as long as your easy going, don't try too hard, let them come to you.

Have music they will like. Play a couple of games maybe ... I'm trying to think of socially distant ones ... Hide and seek? Tennis with a soft ball?

I think a 4 and a 6 year old aren't going to necessarily keep their distance, so I'd take it as a given that they will get up close to you and your kids, which I am not saying is a problem or anything.

Find out their favourite programme tonight and see if you can watch an episode or two on catch-up.... they will be happy if you can talk about characters...

Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 20:41

I'd just give it hello, nice to meet you and then leave them to it.

At that age I doubt they'll have much interest in some adult anyway. Might want to play with your teens though.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 20:48

Thank you both. I’m not too worried about activities as we have a large trampoline, sheep to feed, a big lane for them to scooter on, both have dogs etc. It’s more what I say to them - especially when they first get here. Don’t want it to be awkward. Hoping as you say that they aren’t interested in me 😄

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/07/2020 20:48

My advice is opposite to the above I’m afraid as I’d say make the effort to play with them but let them take the lead. If they move on to a different game and aren’t asking you to join then leave them to it and be yourself rather than trying to be an over enthusiastic kids presenter type.

LosingTriggers285 · 03/07/2020 20:50

Are you joking. I want to come for lunch, it sounds amazing . Especially as they will have been bored through lockdown. You will be struggling to get them to leave!

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 20:55

Awww thank you losingtriggers that’s a lovely thing to say. You’ve made me feel more confident if nothing else.

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Moonflower12 · 03/07/2020 21:13

I think having sheep to feed will win them over. And a lane to scooter! Sounds like 4&6 year old heaven.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2020 21:19

Start as you mean to go on. It’s tempting to be super fun dad’s girlfriend and that’s lovely and you obviously care about making a good impression, I’m sure you will! But be yourself. Be relaxed and go easy so when you spend time with them again you can sustain what you start tomorrow.

Hope it goes really well.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 21:20

Thx. Should I ask them questions about themselves or just see how it goes? Don’t want to appear Disinterested but equally don’t want to ask twatish boring questions either ... it’s been a long time since mine were 4 and 6 so forgotten how old /young that is

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 21:22

Annlovesgilbert that actually makes a lot of sense! Thx. Yes I don’t want them to think that I’m always going to be their play mate 😄

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LosingTriggers285 · 03/07/2020 21:33

I've "met" kids a lot in my work a lot ( mine are teenagers as well) and they are all different... You will have an idea if they are talkative or shy from their dad so... If they are talkative ask them about what they like to do, favourite colours, if they miss school/nursery school. Did they like their teacher? If they know any funny jokes ( have a couple of age appropriate ones ready). Do they have a special/favourite toy? do they have a favourite programme? What do they like doing at school? Pretend you don't know their age maybe, ask them as a way to break the ice... Be surprised! Oh you look older ( kids always like being told they look older, such an irony in life). Tell them funny stories about times you tripped over etc. Do a funny dance and ask them if it's good...

Speak to both equally but if one becomes quiet or sticks to their dad like glue don't mention it. Don't say your going to be their friends. Don't say you are going to like each other or anything like that. Only talk about yourself if they will find it relevant.

Don't get into too much adult conversations at this stage. Although absolutely have conversations that aren't about them. This will give them some time to get their bearings. Assume everything you say tomorrow might get overheard and repeated. Lol. ( got caught with that before).

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 21:48

Haha thx - very true! I’m sure their mum will grill them all about it (although apparently I have her blessing). I do know quite a lot about them so hopefully I can talk to them about things I know they like. I’ve been told they will probably hide behind their dad when they get here so I just hope they come out of their shells at some point. Think my kids will help break the ice too. My daughter loves the younger kids

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2020 21:53

Great advice from @LosingTriggers285

When I met my step kids for the first time I had that pre exam tummy feeling! I asked DH about how they were likely to be when we met up - he said DSD would probably hide behind his leg but come out of her shell. That’s exactly what happened so I crouched down to her level and said I liked her cardi. She giggled like mad and crept around still holding his hand and said she liked my dress. We met up in town and planned to feed the ducks nearby then I’d go home and he’d take them out for dinner. After our walk and wander they asked if I could eat with them so we did that and just took it from there. I was very lucky and at one point DSD asked if she could hold my hand which was lovely, and DSS asked me to push him on the swings. It was many years ago but I remember it really clearly and we just played it very low key and let them take the lead.

We’d spoken on the phone a couple of times before meeting, their idea, and I knew about their special cuddly toys, favourite foods, books they liked etc so I had some things to fall back on, but they were little, like your BFs kids, and they just get stuck in with things and natter away. You could tell them funny stories about when your DC were younger which they might enjoy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2020 21:53

Ha! X post on hiding and shells Grin

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 21:57

Haha so typical kids then. Glad it’s not just them. I’m actually feeling excited now. It’s a huge deal for me and we’ve waited a long time to make sure we both definitely want this before making the introductions so I just don’t want to mess it up

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LosingTriggers285 · 03/07/2020 21:57

Your kids will be amazing tomorrow and your daughter sound lovely. My kids were in awe of their older cousins and their friends. I'm sorry but you are just an adult they don't know yet, you will be a slow burner to them. It's your kids that will have them making an extra effort. You've got this. Don't get too nervous. What's the worst that can happen? You say a few daft things and fall flat on your face and you can all laugh about it afterwards. If your intentions are pure, which they are, then it will come together. All you can do is be yourself. Get a good sleep tonight.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 21:59

Thank you so much. I feel much better now. Fingers crossed

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/07/2020 22:01

My advice is just be yourself. Treat them as you would treat the 4 and 6 year old of any friend.

You've got lots to do at your place, so they'll have fun.

flissity · 03/07/2020 22:08

Ahh this is exciting. I remember when my boyfriend met my 2 girls. They were 4 and 7. From what I can remember the 3 of them ended up having a running race on the field (we were at a playground) and doing roly-polys and things like that!
That was 3 years ago, and we are now married with a 1month old baby!

Spied · 03/07/2020 22:10

Great advice. Just wanted to add
I'd also make sure I'm not too arm around their Dad or touchy feely ( I'm sure you're not) as they may think you're trying to steal him at that age and it may start their little minds worrying.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 22:11

Sounds lovely flissity- I’m looking forward to them bringing out my younger side again

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 22:12

Thx spied- yes definitely going to let him be the lead on tactileness. We are used to being just the 2 of us and are very touchy feely with each other but I certainly will take his lead on that. Thank you

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Longsight2019 · 03/07/2020 22:20

I have a 4 & 6 year old. They’d appreciate a smiley welcome and a little tour of their environment to help them feel comfortable. They’ll feed from your positivity but also your anxiety, so be careful. Your teenagers will be of interest to them, no matter what their gender is. They will have lots of big “toys” and activities to show them and should be encouraged to take a real and genuine interest in their little visitors.

Have a little treat bag ready for them once they’ve settled. A few sweets, a small drink and an activity (craft, cutting out etc)

Look after them as if they’re your nieces or nephews.

Have fun.

And no snogging their Dad in front of them.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 03/07/2020 22:23

I promise no snogging 😄(as hard as that will be ...). My kids are both on board and ready to play football/rugby/trampoline/scooter on request! Think it will be a good excuse for them to run around outside all afternoon

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Notcoolmum · 03/07/2020 22:37

It sounds like you have a great day planned. And kudos to you both for leaving it until your relationship was established and secure. Enjoy meeting them. I'm sure it will all come back to you much more naturally than you fear.