Blossoming new romance! What would you do differently in a new relationship post divorce please? Any top tips?

[Masala2020]

So, I have a virtual romance brewing during lockdown which is all very sweet and well timed. We seem to be using this time to get to know each other and set some ground rules for the relationship. I’ve been married practically my whole life, which ended unhappily, and so am keen to kick things off on the right foot, with Boundaries for a mature, healthy and respectful relationship the second time. What would you do and not do if you started again in your romantic relationship or marriage? Thanks!

I have to admit that my divorce after a very long marriage has scarred me and I find myself endlessly pushing men away for the most silly reasons. I guess my trust was broken so badly, I am suspicious of everyone I now encounter.
For me (late 40's with grown up kids) I'd like to meet someone who I can have fun with but not live with. I realise that a few years of living together takes the fun out of life.... well, it did with my marriage !

Im back on the dating scene after a long unhappy marriage too. My aim is to not be so keen to 'please'. I lost my identity when I was married trying to please my ex and make him happy, without thinking about what made me happy. Im going to be a bit more selfish this time.

My top tip would be to not remotely dream of a future with someone until you’ve met them. It’s dangerous - you and them can project all sorts which can lead to problems when you meet (eg you meet and there’s no spark & the other party can be extremely hurt, even turn abusive, because of expectations developed during the long run-up). Check out the dating thread on here for brilliant advice on dating post-divorce.

My top tip for dating after divorce is to make sure that everything is tied up re your divorce. Make sure your boundaries are solid with your ex - finances, house, kids, access re kids, everything.

I began a relationship whilst separated that was hugely affected by loose ends.

Going forward, assuming you've had time to recover from your divorce, figure out what you want. What ARE your boundaries? What are your deal breakers? What would you do if those came up? What do you want your future to be? Are you looking for fun or ltr? What will that look like? How do you want a joint future to be? Moving in together - finances, bills etc. Figure out what you want now.

If you haven't already, make sure you Facetime together. You get a much better idea of what they are like in real life. You don't want to invest too much time on messages when in RL you might not click.
Write down your deal breakers and keep checking them.
Don't compromise, don't settle, don't think they'll 'grow' on you.
Check out the dating thread - loads of lovely people who are going through the same - they'll keep you on track. Good luck!

Should I ever dip my toes in the dating waters again - which I do not intend to do, ever... I'd first of all make sure that I was happy being single (which I am, hence no dating again...). That I could manage both financially and practically, so a man would be a nice adjunct to my life, not a necessary part of it.

I would practice saying 'no, that doesn't work for me' and seeing how he took it, rather than being so keen to be the perfect woman that I'd agree to stuff that I would quietly seethe about afterwards.

I would not compromise. I mean, obviously, I would, there are things that need compromise, but I would not back down on my beliefs or principles just to keep a man happy.

I'm just out of a marriage last year and I've started something with a man and I put Al kind of expectations on it and all kind of pressures on him!! Wrong idea!!
Im still seeing him but I'm taking it back a bit.
First dedide exactly what it is you want, are you wanting another serious relationship right away? Or just some fun?
Cos I thought I wanted just fun but I've seen myself slip into old patterns of man pleasing, pandering and catching feelings when I didn't actually want any of that!!

@Mermaidwaves exactly the same over here!!

Don't live with them. I was married for 18 yrs, the only person I ever lived with. Inevitably it gets stale I'm not doing it.
Make sure things are planned and you make an effort to do things.
With my DP before the lock down we cycle, run, go out to the theatre, meals. Have had all kinds of trips away.
I look forward to dressing nicely and putting on make up etc. It's still nice after 3 yrs.
However we are not tied financially we are with each other as we want to be.
Most of my relationships lasted short periods of time but I think the only reason my marriage did was because I had three children and you put up with all kinds of things you don't have to!

I find it interesting to see their attitude if you say no to something small at the beginning
I recently said no to a man who asked me for a naked photo - his reaction told me what I needed to know about his attitude towards me
Once before I was late for a date ( different man) because I missed the train after a hospital appointment ran late. Was date no4 and he knew I had an appointment
His sulky Frosty attitude Was very telling

Not suggesting that we set ‘traps’ for men but both scenarios were very handy for spotting red flags

Ooh thanks so much! I have been dating for over a year but this is the first relationship I have considered. Some solid tips here! I find I keep slipping back into wife mode when really we just want romance, fun and companionship... must practice saying no and not compromising myself...

@Ilovetheseventies I just love my own space and living just me and kids. Doubt I'd ever want to go back to the skid marks in the toilet, catching them watching porn, cleaning up after them ways of living with a man!!

Louise I feel the same, I never want to have to put up with living with a man full time again, its great just being me and my girls.

Yes Louise0000 and mermaid waves!!!
My marriage went v stale. On phone constantly, no help around house. Telly blaring, fussy eater. I think that's totally put me off!
I wasn't in a hurry first time round at 32 I'd never lived with anyone, now I know why.
You do all these things because you want a clean hse and you don't want to argue.
When I'm down about the break up. I have to just think of the skivvy years.

I came out of a long marriage too and went into dating, what I've learnt is not to get myself too emotionally attached too soon, not every connection is going to turn out to be a long lasting relationship, know your standards and don't let them slip.

@Ilovetheseventies
Once bitten twice shy! I want all the benefits of a mans company without the crappy domestic side, and if that makes me selfish so be it

Same here @Mermaidwaves I've got my kids and I've been married! Time for some fun at last!! Goot married at 24 was with him since 21.

Having been in a similar situation, I resolved to put myself first and the relationship second - i.e. not to compromise my identity, my independence and what I wanted just for the sake of having a relationship. As a result I have a much healthier marriage this time than I did previously.

@eggsy that’s a common theme! Really interesting as I keep slipping back into pleaser mode. Need to break that!

@Mermaidwaves I have been saying I am only interested in the romance fun and company. Done with the caring and fussing over the man!

it seems like a lot of us feel the same! roll on fun times without the drudgery!

I want someone to have fun with. I don't mind if i catch feels but i don't need a husband. I have my children, i am financially secure, i want someone who is entertaining and fun. Just companionship doesn't cut it. The men my age in my circle that are divorced tend to be wankers that their wives couldn't stand staying with despite the lifestyle.

Now i have had some fun, and a heartbreaking disaster since i left my husband 18 months ago but going forward my criteria is going to be fun and kind only. And most probably younger. The power balance has changed for me.

I also read Women who love too much. That has been incredible helpful....

Some very sensible advice here, most of which I wholeheartedly agree with. My two top tips for what it’s worth:

1. Never cohabit. It’s the death of romance and respect and only worth doing if you plan to bear and raise children together. It will literally fast track the demise of any happy relationship.

1. Set really firm boundaries as early as possible and never do anything you’re uncomfortable to make yourself seem more appealing or amenable.

If something annoys you, say so, dont be so agreeable

I'm 48 this year and in a new relationship of less than a year. Neither of us has children and we each own our own homes. I love my place and independence and have no intention of giving that up and living with another man again. Pre-lockdown we spent three nights together a week.

His housework is his own to do, as is mine. He is more than capable of looking after himself. I enjoy cooking for both of us and that is reciprocated.

It may be weird to some but it works for us.