I have put off posting for ages but today I might just snap.
My DH has always worked hard, he previously worked in a career that he claimed to hate but would put in 70+hr weeks every week and claimed this was "required". He changed career slightly last year for a "better work/ life balance" 
but this has not materialised.
First, it was he had to work hard to prove himself, he is only on probation and so on.
Then, shortly after probation ended he was involved in a big project (fair enough).
His office closed a couple of weeks before the formal lockdown and so he has been working from home for two months. He has NEVER worked from home, even when he could have done as he is very much one of the presenteism dinosaurs (he has to be the first in a last out). Never takes a lunch break and so on. However, although he would work late during the week, weekends were always reserved for family time.
In his old career he was very highly paid and so it made sense for me to take a step back when we had DC - I now work PT in a local job. In many respects I am fortunate because I have been able to take a lower paid but more interesting job. His new career is still reasonably well paid and still more than my salary and so we do rely on him earning money to sustain our lifestyle.
Everything revolves around him working. He works every day, every evening and half the weekend. Whilst he works I am stuck in a kitchen diner with the kids (he has commandeered the lounge).
If I need to work it is the worst thing in the world and he will be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. DC are 3 and 5 so it isn't so simple to work around them - I do work around them but have to rely on the TV to get some peace (and then get moaned at by DH about the amount of TV they have watched - they are allowed 3x10 min programmes each, an hour).
Something urgent came up today at work and so I went into the office (I am a key worker and generally do wfh but this was an exceptional matter) I was there an hour when he started calling, making my 5yr old FaceTime me begging me to come home. I had told DH I would be up to two hours. This is the first time in 7 weeks I have asked him to have the DC during the working day.
When I got home he berated me for "being out for hours". I left at 1pm and was back at 3pm. He claimed I left at 12.30 but I know that was untrue as I remember getting lunch out of the oven at 12.30... anyway, he is like a junkie. Obsessed with work.
I have tried talking to him about it but he claims he "needs" to work these hours - honestly? No one "needs" to work until 10pm every night. We have been together 15 years and he has always worked long hours but he promised me this new job was for the family (he took a massive pay cut) but we have even less time together now despite him being at home all day.
He sees it differently - he says he gets nothing done all day because of my failure to keep the DC quiet and then he has to work all evening to catch up.
He does have meals with us and does bath and bed so it isn't like he is slacking off with the kids - he is a good father.
I am so lonely. I am with the DC all day and on my own all evening. DH doesn't step foot outside the house Mon- Fri. At least I used to see people before lockdown. We barely speak anymore, I have nothing to say. If I talk about my work I get eye rolls and reminders that I am only part time and that I shouldn't do more than my contracted hours (apparently contracted hours don't count for the big bread-winning man).
Anyone else dealing with this? Somehow it seems worse at home, before he would be at work long hours but I just got on with it - I had my own life Mon- Fri but now I am just a drudge doing all the drudge work and inconveniencing him with my "little job".
Plus I feel very judged about my parenting - I am no earth mother, I am much better at taking the DC out rather than staying home.
Sorry, so long. Just having a bad day.
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Relationships
Living with a workaholic
Werk · 13/05/2020 16:52
Does it really matter how much he earns? He seems to think it makes a difference. I do not earn as much, therefore I am less important.
He works for a huge British company, probably in the top 100 -200 people in management. It is a good job. Makes him feel important, more important than his old job in which he earned megabucks. He has more power and underlings now.
I feel he is treating me like some annoying junior employee - we have had emails from school and nursery today asking for our feelings about sending the DC on 1st June. Rather than reading the emails he wanted me to précis the contents and take questions afterwards I told him to read the emails and let me know his thoughts. I am too busy for this.
So I replied without his input. It will be wrong.
He questions everything, takes the opposing view on everything. It is draining. I hope this is just him in work mode, I feel sorry for his colleagues - what a boorish twat they have to put up with.
I should point out that pre home working he was perfectly nice when at home and we both lived for the weekends. Now it is one long working week.
I am not sure about LTB - these are trying times for us all. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions right now but it certainly isn't off the table.
work and resentfulsecondwife .....I have been there. I could have written exactly this too. For me it lasted over 15-20 years and you do wonder why you stay together/tolerate it but everyone makes their own decisions and have to decide on if the sacrifices being made are worth it. We had many many disagreements and years of going round in circles. Every 6 months or so I’d be ‘I’ve had enough’ ‘things have got to change’ but then they never did, not even for a Sunday afternoon walk occasionally.
I sort of knew that my DHs work commitment was always going to be a means to an end, that he was working to reap massive rewards (which he did) and we are benefitting from that and will do until the day we die. We have a very secure future. So do our DCs (22 and 20). Was it worth it?? Financially yes but at what cost for DH...?? Not sure. Think part of him feels guilty (although he’d never admit it) that he relied on me so much, prioritised work of family life and our marriage at times and missed out on the kids growing up.
Only you can decide if your sacrifices are worth it. I do feel for you both and completely understand 
I'm dealing with this OP. Only I earn more than him pro rata (we're both on average UK salaries but Im 30hpwk).
The whole house (lounge) revolves around his 10 hr days.
I knew he was obsessed with work and presenteeism but this has shone a spotlight.
I do the kids, meal planning and all food as well as my own job (which is demanding in itself).
Tonight I was forced to message him 
as he will not talk. I cannot go on like this. I feel stuck in the 1950s too.
This is because IRL I am 'part time'. I drop my work to get home while he is out from 8 to 7pm on 32k a year. I tell him he's hardly the Chairman of the board and bringing his hourly rate down.
He's worse at home. Grumpy, stressed and his job oh so important.
He finishes begrugingly of an evening and the dining table is a mess with papers.
I'm sick of it. The message listed every issue with wfh. I should have set boundaries.
I should have left years ago, but here we are.
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