Living with a workaholic

[Werk]

I have put off posting for ages but today I might just snap.
My DH has always worked hard, he previously worked in a career that he claimed to hate but would put in 70+hr weeks every week and claimed this was "required". He changed career slightly last year for a "better work/ life balance" but this has not materialised.

First, it was he had to work hard to prove himself, he is only on probation and so on.
Then, shortly after probation ended he was involved in a big project (fair enough).
His office closed a couple of weeks before the formal lockdown and so he has been working from home for two months. He has NEVER worked from home, even when he could have done as he is very much one of the presenteism dinosaurs (he has to be the first in a last out). Never takes a lunch break and so on. However, although he would work late during the week, weekends were always reserved for family time.

In his old career he was very highly paid and so it made sense for me to take a step back when we had DC - I now work PT in a local job. In many respects I am fortunate because I have been able to take a lower paid but more interesting job. His new career is still reasonably well paid and still more than my salary and so we do rely on him earning money to sustain our lifestyle.

Everything revolves around him working. He works every day, every evening and half the weekend. Whilst he works I am stuck in a kitchen diner with the kids (he has commandeered the lounge).

If I need to work it is the worst thing in the world and he will be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. DC are 3 and 5 so it isn't so simple to work around them - I do work around them but have to rely on the TV to get some peace (and then get moaned at by DH about the amount of TV they have watched - they are allowed 3x10 min programmes each, an hour).

Something urgent came up today at work and so I went into the office (I am a key worker and generally do wfh but this was an exceptional matter) I was there an hour when he started calling, making my 5yr old FaceTime me begging me to come home. I had told DH I would be up to two hours. This is the first time in 7 weeks I have asked him to have the DC during the working day.

When I got home he berated me for "being out for hours". I left at 1pm and was back at 3pm. He claimed I left at 12.30 but I know that was untrue as I remember getting lunch out of the oven at 12.30... anyway, he is like a junkie. Obsessed with work.

I have tried talking to him about it but he claims he "needs" to work these hours - honestly? No one "needs" to work until 10pm every night. We have been together 15 years and he has always worked long hours but he promised me this new job was for the family (he took a massive pay cut) but we have even less time together now despite him being at home all day.
He sees it differently - he says he gets nothing done all day because of my failure to keep the DC quiet and then he has to work all evening to catch up.
He does have meals with us and does bath and bed so it isn't like he is slacking off with the kids - he is a good father.

I am so lonely. I am with the DC all day and on my own all evening. DH doesn't step foot outside the house Mon- Fri. At least I used to see people before lockdown. We barely speak anymore, I have nothing to say. If I talk about my work I get eye rolls and reminders that I am only part time and that I shouldn't do more than my contracted hours (apparently contracted hours don't count for the big bread-winning man).

Anyone else dealing with this? Somehow it seems worse at home, before he would be at work long hours but I just got on with it - I had my own life Mon- Fri but now I am just a drudge doing all the drudge work and inconveniencing him with my "little job".
Plus I feel very judged about my parenting - I am no earth mother, I am much better at taking the DC out rather than staying home.

Sorry, so long. Just having a bad day.

[Iamthewombat]

Plus, whatever company you work for and no matter how much time you sacrifice for your career there, they will turf you out without a backward glance when it suits them, ie when they decide to ‘rationalise’. Seen that happen multiple times.

[Iamthewombat]

He works for a huge British company, probably in the top 100 -200 people in management. It is a good job. Makes him feel important, more important than his old job in which he earned megabucks. He has more power and underlings

I have met and worked with so many men like this. I am in a senior finance role at a big company and it is noticeable that the majority of the men in similar positions behave just like your husband. It is all about feeling important and feeding the ego. They are usually locked in bitter rivalry with each other and put in the hours to make sure that their male colleagues don’t gain an advantage over them. Barking.

I’ve seen many colleagues’ marriages break up because of it. The wives simply get fed up. One colleague boasted of pacifying his wife with ‘another expensive handbag’ every time he took on a new project that consumed most of his time. For him, being seen as a big swinging dick at work was more important than his wife and family. She had other ideas.

[Haplap]

I've been your husband and come out of the other side but it took a bereavement to shake me to my senses. It's an addiction like and any other in all the ways it presents, but with a society that praises ambition and material well-being, unlike substance abuse or a gambling addiction, being a workaholic is not seen as a vice. In fact, you're praised for it and get lots of hollow slaps on the back from the business you work for. Meanwhile, your family suffer like any victims living with an addict. The harsh truth is he'll need to hit bottom before he sorts this out (if he ever does). In your situation, that sounds like you need to leave him, for the sake of your family. You may not be able to change his behaviour, but you can choose a better atmosphere for your family.

[RonSwansonIsBuff]

I was going to come here and say yes I have a workaholic husband too.

But no, I'm sorry he is nothing like yours because what you're describing isn't a workaholic it's a prick.

My DH loves his job and will spend a lot of time doing it but he knows and appreciates what I do in the background so he can do that. He doesn't treat me or the children with utter contempt and if I needed to go somewhere, do something for my own job or just wanted him home for a family day sometimes, he'd do it and he'd do it without complaint. He only ever works at a weekend if I'm already going somewhere or he goes very early in the morning for a couple of hours before we are all up.

Your husband sounds horrid OP and I mean as a person, it's nothing to do with work.

[SqidgeBum]

Can I ask, does he know you feel like this? Have you said to him that you are thinking all of these things? Men are pretty basic. They tend not to see what's right in front of them unless someone points it out.

[TomNook]

I don’t think either of you love each other.

[middleager]

So much (depressing) truth in this piece:

'One survey found that although 50% of dads said they did most of the home tutoring, only 3% of women agreed! In lockdown, women are being reluctantly returned to a 1950’s stereotype we struggled so hard to escape. '

JANET STREET-PORTER:Coronavirus kills more men than women www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8315927/JANET-STREET-PORTER-Coronavirus-kills-men-women-women-bearing-brunt-misery.html?ito=native_share_article-masthead

[Corroboree]

Mine is still working now

[middleager]

I'm dealing with this OP. Only I earn more than him pro rata (we're both on average UK salaries but Im 30hpwk).

The whole house (lounge) revolves around his 10 hr days.
I knew he was obsessed with work and presenteeism but this has shone a spotlight.

I do the kids, meal planning and all food as well as my own job (which is demanding in itself).

Tonight I was forced to message him as he will not talk. I cannot go on like this. I feel stuck in the 1950s too.

This is because IRL I am 'part time'. I drop my work to get home while he is out from 8 to 7pm on 32k a year. I tell him he's hardly the Chairman of the board and bringing his hourly rate down.

He's worse at home. Grumpy, stressed and his job oh so important.

He finishes begrugingly of an evening and the dining table is a mess with papers.

I'm sick of it. The message listed every issue with wfh. I should have set boundaries.
I should have left years ago, but here we are.

[timeisnotaline]

Why would you bring him tea? Or anything? Also, someone who hasn’t 5 mins for his kids at home during the day or making time on the weekends is not a great dad. Someone who doesn’t even want to read the school emails isnt an involved dad. I’d be very unhappy with this and I’d have to tell him if you don’t have any respect for me or even like me after lockdown we are going to have to look at separating. I couldn’t live with that attitude. My dh is working and I’m looking for work- he takes the kids when I need, because he’s not a self important twat.

[MargeSimpsonswig]

He sounds like a covert narcissist to me

[GiraffeWithSwag]

work and resentfulsecondwife .....I have been there. I could have written exactly this too. For me it lasted over 15-20 years and you do wonder why you stay together/tolerate it but everyone makes their own decisions and have to decide on if the sacrifices being made are worth it. We had many many disagreements and years of going round in circles. Every 6 months or so I’d be ‘I’ve had enough’ ‘things have got to change’ but then they never did, not even for a Sunday afternoon walk occasionally.
I sort of knew that my DHs work commitment was always going to be a means to an end, that he was working to reap massive rewards (which he did) and we are benefitting from that and will do until the day we die. We have a very secure future. So do our DCs (22 and 20). Was it worth it?? Financially yes but at what cost for DH...?? Not sure. Think part of him feels guilty (although he’d never admit it) that he relied on me so much, prioritised work of family life and our marriage at times and missed out on the kids growing up.
Only you can decide if your sacrifices are worth it. I do feel for you both and completely understand

[RandomMess]

It's almost like because he hasn't been able to dump his shitty attitude in his staff he has to do it to you...

Perhaps you need to pull him up on it every time "who do you think you are taking to?"

[coco123456789]

My DH is like this and he is being made redundant because of covid. He says he wants to kill himself (not seriously, He’s just being dramatic) because he has lost everything. We have 3 gorgeous kids! Workaholism is dangerous.way of thinking. Some people may be thinking maybe it’s time to re-evaluate and enjoy their kids more. But to him, work is his life and identify. Made me realise that I am nothing to him. I can’t leave now though as he has no job to pay for a flat or anything

[Embracelife]

A great father would be able to take care of his own dc for 3 hours
A great father would manage his work so he could take that time without bothering you
It seems like he is great only when you also around meals baths
This is good time for you to really see

[Werk]

Does it really matter how much he earns? He seems to think it makes a difference. I do not earn as much, therefore I am less important.

He works for a huge British company, probably in the top 100 -200 people in management. It is a good job. Makes him feel important, more important than his old job in which he earned megabucks. He has more power and underlings now.
I feel he is treating me like some annoying junior employee - we have had emails from school and nursery today asking for our feelings about sending the DC on 1st June. Rather than reading the emails he wanted me to précis the contents and take questions afterwards I told him to read the emails and let me know his thoughts. I am too busy for this.
So I replied without his input. It will be wrong.
He questions everything, takes the opposing view on everything. It is draining. I hope this is just him in work mode, I feel sorry for his colleagues - what a boorish twat they have to put up with.

I should point out that pre home working he was perfectly nice when at home and we both lived for the weekends. Now it is one long working week.

I am not sure about LTB - these are trying times for us all. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions right now but it certainly isn't off the table.

[resentfulsecondwife]

wow- hope you can dicipher what I wrote - tired as fuck.

[resentfulsecondwife]

reading with interest as can relate. My situation is different, (he has a pod in the garden). But I am essentially a 1950's housewife resonates.
I am thinking about leaving mine, I may not, I'd rather figure things out but in your case. I would suggest that keeping the kids in such a small space is stressing them and he might feel guilty about that and I would stop bringing the tea. baby steps to short the power balance. My situation being unbriliant may disqualify my advice. I'd like to hear how you get on though,
xx

[Iamthewombat]

If he dropped dead tomorrow someone else would be in his chair before the funeral

This! Explains exactly why getting over-invested in work at the expense of family and friends is a mistake.

[topcat2014]

What does he do and how much does he earn? If he doesn't own the company and earns less than 50k there is no reason why he can't clock off at 6 like the rest of us. If he dripped dead tomorrow someone else would be in his chair before the funeral

[Mary1935]

Tell him to fuck off with his sarcastic comments and looks.
Start putting your foot down.
It sounds miserable.
Tell him to get out of the lounge - who does that - mr bloody important and the rest of you are nobodies,
He an insecure prat. He’s abusive to you.
Find your anger.

[flamegame]

I agree with @SqidgeBum it sounds miserable, it's possible he's unaware of how he's coming across, and either way, nothing is going to get resolved unless you tell him how you feel. My DH is a workaholic, he's reformed a bit over the years, in a painful and longwinded up and down process. Children need to see their parents happy.

[SqidgeBum]

@Werk you both need to really sit down and you need to tell him all of this. Tell him about how you feel, about the effect he has on you. You have to think also about what the kids are seeing. He may sit for dinner etc, but what message is he giving your kids about valuing you or how a marriage should work if he is glaring and making comments when you are trying? He isnt supporting you. He is doing just enough to make him an acceptable Father.

He needs to know this is a big problem, and you are this miserable. Thinking the husband you work hard for hates you isnt good enough. You deserve better.

[Iamthewombat]

I’m seeing:

• insecure man with large ego
  

• seeks validation though work: now he’s important and people take notice of him. It’s like a drug to some people.
  

• works loads so as not to miss out on anything and stay relevant. Everybody at work has to know that he’s a big swinging dick (or a big swinging dick’s lickspittle, which is more often the case I’m afraid).
  

• can’t possibly step back and work less, in case his work persona suffers. Probably knows he isn’t all that but thinks, “I will work harder than anyone else and that will be my USP”
  

• realised at some point that his personal life and family life were suffering so took a different job in order to rebalance. Could not wean himself away from the excitement of being in the thick of things, so works as much as he did before.
  

• earns less and probably resents you for it. Because in his mind, you FORCED him to give up his previous, better paid job.
  

• because he feels inferior (not your fault that he’s insecure) he has to make sure that you, his wife, knows that he is king of the house and everything must revolve around him, his very very important job and his work needs. He puts you down to feel better about himself.
  

He probably can’t admit any of this to himself, but you need to have the conversation with him about what he plans to change. Again, really sorry that you are having to put up with this and that you’re having to find the solution.

[TorkTorkBam]

What's the point of being married to him? Sounds like all you get is being treated badly and extra effort to look after him as well as the children.