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Original poster

He's not interested/forget about him or it's all moot in lockdown?

26 replies

KatDubs261 · 11/05/2020 17:53

I finally asked out a guy I liked for a while (more of an acquaintance in our mutual group) and he said yes/we started making plans.

This lockdown literally happened and that was that. We then talked most days for a month and I suppose it was a bit intense too soon, but these are strange times and I enjoyed hearing from him.

Well about 2 weeks ago he asked how I was doing and actually I wasnt doing so well as my cousin & partner found out they had covid. I didnt go into a sob story, just stated the facts. Well he hasnt replied since!

We had a fleeting interaction on our mutual whatsapp group, fairly light hearted but that's all. I know I shouldn't care about something that hasnt even got off the ground, what do you think? He just lost interest and I should forget about him? Or just cool it and see what happens after this dies down?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2020 18:08

I’d leave things be for now and, if you quite liked him and feel like it, maybe send a message saying you’ve enjoyed getting to know him and if he’s still interested in a date when things get back to normal, to get in touch. I’m sure other posters will come along to say that if he likes you he should be chasing you throughout lockdown and trying to win you and keep you because you’re “the prize”; but it’s hard work maintaining things during lockdown, it’s not as if either of you will have much news to share or new interesting things to talk about and smalltalk with somebody you don’t know well is pretty insincere and slightly tedious. There’s only so many times you can ask “how are you?”, “how was your day today” etc when you’ve both basically sat on the sofa for most of it.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/05/2020 18:12

I suppose what bothers me if I'm being really honest is the fact he didnt respond after I said he wasnt having a great week due to my cousin etc. It just seems a bit un feeling to not reply at all?

In person he is very warm and sweet. I agree with you though - it is very hard to sustain that sort of contact through a lockdown! I just thought he might have said something after 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/05/2020 19:19

Any other thoughts? I know it's not life or death here but I have definitely been left feeling he isnt into me after all. Not sure if I'm justified.

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 11/05/2020 23:19

I'd leave it. Otherwise you'll always be on the backfoot. He's not that into you

AnxiousFatherToBe · 11/05/2020 23:22

Honestly, I would leave it for now. Lockdown must be hard for new relationships and even more so for ones that have hardly got off the ground.

Understandably, you feel off about not getting a reply to your message. Especially if the text was you opening up about your feelings and being a bit vulnerable.
He might be dealing with stuff himself or he didn't expect to have to "deal" with your emotions. Noone really knows, but none the less, it's not particularly nice.

See how things go once lockdown eases, if after this, you are still into the idea of a date. But my honest opinion is that you should leave it for now and leave it up to him to contact you. Not because he should be chasing you like mentioned in the earlier post, but simply - you have asked him out already, so he knows you are interested. If he is serious about taking it further he already knows you want to, so none of the normal doubt should play a hand in whether or not he pursues anything further.

I'm not saying he should be falling over himself to try to talk to you constantly, but you deserve someone who atleast acknowledges you, not just ignores you.

Sugartitss · 11/05/2020 23:32

he’s not into you op

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 00:15

But if he wasnt into me - wouldn't he have more or less ignored me from the beginning?

In fact for most of that initial month it was him driving the conversation and quite long and detailed conversations we had too.

I feel a bit confused that he just went cold. @AnxiousFatherToBe that is basically how I feel. I understand everyone has their own issues to deal with now. We have certainly had emotional conversations in person, initiated by him about half the time.

I don't need to be pursued without making any effort myself but I did ask him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 00:23

I also noticed he started ignoring me after I didnt get in touch for almost a week - purely from feeling so burned out.

Up until then we had spoken most days and if he didnt reply for 2 days he would apologise. Probably doesnt make a difference - suppose the reality is we talk to those we want to. It just seemed a sudden switch and I do feel a bit sad.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 12/05/2020 01:18

I would leave it permanently. Yes he may have felt it was too intense too quickly but to not be able to tell you that is immature which would make it a no go for me. But to not reply at all when you told him about your sad news is a dick move. I would reply to someone I barely knew if they told me that, even just to say "that's awful, thinking of you" etc. He doesn't sound very nice. Remember an important rule of dating - nothing is really real until you meet up.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 01:38

It's very uncharacteristic @BackseatCookers. If I said this to him in person I know for a fact he'd be very concerned. But I agree it is a bad move. Before this he was consistently in touch asking if I was holding up ok etc

Well we already know each other and spend time together in our mutual group of friends. He always singles me out and seemed into me, but who needs this?

I would like to think that a guy worth seriously dating would not be hot and cold. At least my previous serious relationships there was no doubt in the early days. I really did like him though.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 12/05/2020 02:13

Im going through this right now. Ive reconnected with an old school friend with a view to go on a date. Hes expressed an interest in going for a meal after lockdown and weve been chatting but Im not getting a really keen vibe from him. I cant tell if its because we cant meet or if hes just not that bothered. Its been less than a week so Ive had guys been really interested from the start. Mind you, none of those have worked out!

MoreCoffeePlease2 · 12/05/2020 06:55

I think this is pretty key: "I also noticed he started ignoring me after I didnt get in touch for almost a week - purely from feeling so burned out."

I think this guy probably felt what you're feeling now: thought everything was going well and then suddenly no contact for a week. He's met your no contact with his own reduction in contact.
There's definitely not a problem with being burned out and nurturing a fledgling relationship shouldn't be top of your priority list when you are!

If you guys get along well and you are still interested, I'd maybe send a message saying 'sorry for a quiet period, completely burned out by work/covid-fears/insert as appropriate'.
Then at least that way he knows it wasn't no contact due to lack of interest - I'm sure you'd appreciate it if the tables were turned (which they kind of are, now).

KatherineJaneway · 12/05/2020 07:06

Well he hasnt replied since!

You didn't talk to him for a week. Might be your week absence and issues you told him about are too much and means he's no longer interested.

AnxiousFatherToBe · 12/05/2020 07:07

Maybe he was into you or open to getting to know you on a more intimate level. This doesn't have to mean that he wasn't at all into you from the beginning. There is a chance that he just learned it wasn't for him afterall once you startede talking.

BUT if you really feel like this is uncharacteristic and you got the vibe that he is into you, then your update could also hold the answer to it...
You say that you texted everyday and he initiated contact and seemed really keen. Whenever he didn't get in contact with you he would apologise, suggesting that in his own mind that was not okay.
Then jump to you not beeing in contact for a whole week, maybe that is what it stems from?
He has effectively had a whole week to presumably have the exact same thoughts as you have right now. Could he possibly feel jilted himself?

Was the last message you sent an apology for not beeing in contact and with the reason you stated in your op?

Regardless the reason, I think you have to come back to the point that he has ignored you, which is not so nice.

"I would like to think that a guy worth seriously dating would not be hot and cold. At least my previous serious relationships there was no doubt in the early days." Exactly! Sorry it turned out to be a disapointment, but you deserve better!

category12 · 12/05/2020 07:15

If you went quiet for a week, he probably thought you'd lost interest. So invested less subsequently and can't be arsed with your worries. It seems a bit rich that you expect him to be consistent when you weren't.

MashedSpud · 12/05/2020 07:25

He may have been into you at the start but that doesn’t mean those feelings are set in stone otherwise we’d have zero divorces and break ups.

He isn’t coming across as interested.

I’d leave it personally.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 08:19

It was only 5 days actually, so not a week. Longer than usual yes, but when I did reply I explained about my cousin- if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have felt that was explanation enough. I dont think it can really explain a silence of over 2 weeks now his end.

I have to agree with @AnxiousFatherToBe, it is still not nice for him to have ignored me all this time. I wonder if it is a case of 'out of sight out of mind'? Either way it is what it is.

Maybe he thought I'd lost interest myself it's true. But I dont feel it explains this length of absence. I think he must not be interested anymore sadly.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/05/2020 08:32

So it went - you went silent for five days, you then made contact saying about your cousin, and you haven't heard back? It sounds like he didn't think much to your reason for dropping contact.

I think if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd have probably thought "how much effort is a text?" rather than leaving you hanging, and possibly doubted his story. And you might then think, quite reasonably, CBA with this person.

Techway · 12/05/2020 08:39

He may have started talking to someone else. I would leave it, he knows you are still around from the general group and it may start up again.

BluebellForest836 · 12/05/2020 12:14

He’s probably started chatting to someone else and focusing on them instead

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 12:56

I have no way of knowing really. He was posting about mental health last week which made me think he might have stuff going on but I dont know.

I reckon either:

  • he is no longer interested
  • he is talking to someone else
  • no one else involved but he ran out of steam talking most days for weeks when we have no idea when we'll see each other again

None of these options are any good and make me feel easily forgotten about. If/when he gets back in touch I will treat the connection far more lightly and try to clear my mind of him so I can date others in future.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 12/05/2020 13:00

Some people aren't good with other people's emotional problems and have no way of handling grief or anxiety. I get that.

I also choose not to have those people in my life.

He may well be worried as he doesn't know how to respond. He may think that a sick cousin is not sufficient reason to ignore him for 5 days. He may think the relationship is too early to be providing emotional support. Doesn't matter - for whatever reason, he is not interested or able to engaging with you beyond light banter. Move on.

category12 · 12/05/2020 13:02

You do realise that blokes don't like being ignored for several days either?

cuddlymunchkin · 12/05/2020 13:05

You're minimising your own lack of contact with him when that's almost certainly the trigger for him pulling back.

Wanderlust21 · 12/05/2020 13:07

When you said 'cousin and partner's he couldn't have thought you meant YOUR partner right?

Otherwise, it's like he freaked out because someone you know had covid and he thought you were suddenly a risk or something. Maybe he is a germaohobe and has ocd, hense the mental health posts (had that as a teen, it's not fun!).

But I would back away tbh. I mean ppl who post mental health things for everyone to see on fb...from my exp, theres a possibility they are narcissists wanting supply. Also, trying to give a reason for bad behaviour (eg: ghosting). In which case, i wouldn't be surprised if he contacts you again soon as if nothing has happened and he never vanished. That's another common narcissist tactic just to see if you will willingly let the ghosting slide.

Might be that. Might not be. But I dont think he is a keeper.