Have I been a complete fool?

[Lovelost34]

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

[Lovelost34]

Posters are explaining to you very clearly that this is an emotional affair, you have a built a fantasy life for yourself with this guy and your combine DC.
If I have built a fantasy life it suggests he wasn’t involved. So how can it be an emotional affair if, as you say, it was all one sided?

[Lovelost34]

He is happy with the situation as is. Wife at home plus you hanging on his every word besotted, if you suggested meeting up for sex he would take you up on it.
I’m 99% sure that he wouldn’t. He hates any form of cheating.

He has zero intention of leaving he wife because he marriage is happy enough to stay.
Yes, he’s clearly content enough to stay, even if he’s not actually happy.

[RandomMess]

He's up for the "affair" he isn't interested in a future life together like the one you seem to have fantasised about.

[Lovelost34]

If you’re meeting up without his wife’s knowledge, how do you know his kids? Does he bring them along?
I have met him socially very many times. Often with his family. We have only met in secret a few times and those times it was just me and him.

[Lovelost34]

Try and cut contact with him and sort your home life out I suspect he will meddle with your head now and keep texting as he won’t want this to end I can see this dragging on and all it will do is mess your head up if you don’t stop contact
I can cope with not seeing him for a bit but I know he will contact me and pull me right back in.
Even after he said he was content at home, he then texted me the next day. I felt like he was double checking that I hadn’t heard him and gone for good.

[Lovelost34]

He is dishonest - either lying to you, or emotionally dishonest enough to marry someone he didn't love.
This is true. Either he’s lying to me or lying to her. I presume he’s lying to her because his behaviour isn’t that of a man who loves his wife. I’m sure he and I wouldn’t be as close as we are if he loved her.

[Lovelost34]

His probably an arsehole when his at home with his wife and kids
I have heard him speak with her on the phone and he’s not loving towards her.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I’m 99% sure that he wouldn’t. He hates any form of cheating

And yet he's been flirting with you- it is a form of cheating in a way, I bet his wife and your husband wouldn't be happy with it.

We have only met in secret a few times

But he wouldn't cheat, right? If there's nothing going on/he's not open to an affair, there wouldn't need to be secret meetings.

[Lovelost34]

He's up for the "affair" he isn't interested in a future life together like the one you seem to have fantasised about.
He would never have an affair.

[RandomMess]

He already is having an emotional affair with you... half way there to it becoming a full blown one!

[Lovelost34]

And yet he's been flirting with you- it is a form of cheating in a way, I bet his wife and your husband wouldn't be happy with it.
I’m interested to understand from him what he thinks counts as infidelity. His wife would be absolutely shocked if she saw his phone bill. Hours of conversation between us, never ever in front of her. Usually for 30-60 minutes but sometimes up to 1.5 hour conversations.

[Lovelost34]

If there's nothing going on/he's not open to an affair, there wouldn't need to be secret meetings.
Perhaps. I think he knew that I wanted to meet and he wanted to meet me too but his wife wouldn’t like it. So it was easier for him to just not tell her. I think he didn’t want a row with her so just met me and pretended to be working late.

[RandomMess]

Those long phone calls are because it is an emotional affair...

Why are you determined that you are not doing anything "wrong" yet desperately hoping he would rather be with you? He is investing time and emotional energy in you that should be spent on his family!

He isn't behaving honourably he is making sure you keep it secret by him making it clear he will not leave his wife for you...

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

You are messing with a married man with children and you have a husband and children. Grow a backbone and leave your husband to find someone who wants him, put your children first, but you won't. You want the excitement of the secret phone calls and stability of home. Same as Mr sleaze you're infatuated with. You make it sound like it's completely beyond you to say our friendship is inappropriate. Don't contact me. I hope the spouses find out and kick you both out so you can be with each other"legitimately"

[OhCaptain]

I'm going to defend him a bit here.

If you "know" his children then you've met with him as a family. He's not hiding you, or hiding them from you.

You say you've never "vocalised" feelings. In other words, you've made it up in your head that there was a possibility of you being together.

He's never tried to have sex with you. He's never kissed you. "Gazes" don't count, I'm afraid.

He hasn't reeled you back in. He's contacted his friend when you haven't talked for a while.

As for not being sure if he's in love, but being content - that could genuinely be a friend confiding in a friend.

I think you've created this drama out of your infatuation. You want to make him the bad guy, but what has he done, really? It's not his fault you've developed a juvenile infatuation apropos of nothing!

[Whereisthelaughter]

What answer are you hoping to find? What are you looking for guidance on? I can't work out what you are hoping for from this thread? If you were convinced you have been a fool as the title question is, what then? You say you won't go no contact? So what would that mean for you if you were convinced you were a fool?

[Samtsirch]

Tell him how you feel OP
Then there’s no room for impossibly
Then you’ll know if you’re a fool or not.

[TossaCointoYerWitcher]

His wife would be shocked if she saw his phone bill. Hours of conversation between us, never ever in front of her.

Well don’t you sound lovely.

[FlamedToACrisp]

Just one thing - do you actually want to move forwards?

Or are you just enjoying talking about how lovely he is and how much you wish you could be together?

I suggest you cast your mind back to your marriage vows, and remember what you promised your husband... something about keeping only to each other. I doubt there was anything in there about it being ok to flirt with other blokes, as long as you only fantasise about them and don't take your clothes off.

If your marriage is over, it's over - deal with it, but don't drag his marriage down with yours.

[Lovelost34]

I don’t know why I posted. I think it’s because I was hurting and I thought that by discussing it here it would help, which it has done.

I’m fed up with the whole thing.

[Lovelost34]

If your marriage is over, it's over - deal with it, but don't drag his marriage down with yours.
Fair enough but he’s not been a wholly innocent person in all of this.

[OhCaptain]

Fair enough but he’s not been a wholly innocent person in all of this

Has he really not been though? Apart from meeting you "secretly" (did he explicitly tell you this) and some long phone calls, it doesn't sound like he ever told you he was interested in you sexually?

[PersonaNonGarter]

OP, I think you know 1) he loves his wife 2) there is nothing more to be gained here.

Try, try, try to hang on to your dignity. Do not have anymore heart to heart with him. They will be to your loss.

[Lovelost34]

He has done a lot of things. I don’t want to go into exact details here as it’s potentially outing but he made it quite clear that he’s attracted to me and what we have isn’t a normal friendship.

[Lovelost34]

OP, I think you know 1) he loves his wife
Even if he has told me that he doesn’t?

2) there is nothing more to be gained here.
That could well be the case.

Try, try, try to hang on to your dignity. Do not have anymore heart to heart with him. They will be to your loss.