Have I been a complete fool?

[Lovelost34]

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

[Dontletitbeyou]

When you met up in secret he didn’t tell his wife for obvious reasons . He is just another MM who enjoys a bit of excitement on the side . You’ve tried to go NC in the past but he’s twice drawn you back in . It’s a game- she’s pulling away , see if I can reel her back in .
He’s never going to be ‘legitimately yours’ , don’t kid yourself otherwise .

[searchaway]

How have you been meeting secretly for 2 years without his wife finding out? Do you see how deceitful that is? I don’t understand how you even started this or allowed it to start? How doesn’t she know if you are “best friends”. He’s jerking you around. He’s told you he’s not going to leave his wife so you now know where you stand. How old are you and how long have you been married? Wouldn’t it be better to finish your marriage if you feel like this about somebody else?

[MsDogLady]

I have tried to go NC twice before and each time he pulled me back in by getting in touch...

He felt entitled to disrespect your decision to go NC. You chose to respond to him and resume the affair. You have agency in your own life.

[DeeCeeCherry]

2 years falling for this guy, yet you're married. & So is he. Of the 2 of you he's been the most honourable. If he wasn't decent in some ways then you'd have been having an affair with him. You claim you wouldn't have. But, you would. He's rejected you made it plain he's contented in his marriage, but yet he's on your mind and you feel sad.

I'm idly wondering if his wife is on MN and has put up a thread worried about her husband's female friend. Only to be told she's insecure and controlling.

Best to work on your marriage OP and make the right decision for you in due course.

[CurlyEndive]

OP, have you seen the figures that show a man is more likely than a woman to cheat on his spouse (emotionally in this case), but less likely to instigate a divorce? It's common for men to want to have their cake and eat it. This guy is a walking cliche. He doesn't want to leave his wife, he just wants a bit of ego stroking behind her back to make him feel good.

[Sugartitss]

what is wrong with you, seriously.

yes, you’ve been a fool and you’ve treated others as fools.

[Lovelost34]

How old are his children? I only ask as if they’re still really little then maybe he’s ok being content til they’re older before leaving his wife.
They’re very young. Pre schoolers.

[KatherineJaneway]

Yes, you've been a fool.

He said he's 'content' so you know he won't leave his wife but he'd be up for an affair.

As a pp said, if you pull away, he'll backtrack. He's enjoying the game.

[Lovelost34]

As for his strong “family values,” does that include having an emotional affair and making a mockery of his wife?
If you asked him he would deny an EA. He’d say we’re just friends. We haven’t spoken of feelings for each other. He’s now been clear that he’s content with his lot at home.

[Lovelost34]

Well for a start he's completely contradicting himself if he's stating he wouldn't describe himself as happy, but is content. Unless he's just trying to say he's 'prepared to settle for his wife’
He says that most people settle.

[NotKeenOnSwede]

You can't be friends with someone you're in love with

[Lovelost34]

I suspect you're really not his 'best friend' in his mind at all. I suspect you're 'fantasy fun time, ego booster friend', who he knows has a thing for him.
Possibly

[AgentJohnson]

+I don’t want to have an affair with him. I want to be with him properly.*

The latter isn’t and never was on the table. Get your head out of the clouds and stop positioning yourself as the victim. You seem to think conducting your EA in plain site legitimises it, it doesn’t. There’s nothing noble about scoping out your next warm bed, while your still in your current one.

At present a mutual ego stroke is all that is on offer, take it or leave it.

[Lovelost34]

He felt entitled to disrespect your decision to go NC.
I didn’t tell him. I just didn’t contact him for a long time. He was the one who got back in touch each time wondering where I was.

[Lovelost34]

He said he's 'content' so you know he won't leave his wife but he'd be up for an affair.
He would never have an affair. Morally he’s totally against them.

[Pelleas]

I don't really understand what you want to hear on this thread. All the emotions are on your side - 'we are the same person' etc. Can't you see that it's simply not the case - if he really did feel as you feel presumably you'd be having the affair you so clearly want. He's not that into you, OP.

The only way forward is to remove this man completely from your life and wait for him to fade from your thoughts. It will be painful but you will gradually stop obsessing. I guarantee that, in a few years' time, you will wonder what you saw in him.

[Figgygal]

He’s never going to be with you op
It sounds like your marriage is over that’s where you should concentrate your attentions.....what do you want to do?

[Lovelost34]

I’m just fed up of it all.

I can’t go NC without telling him why and I don’t want to tell him why.

I accept that I am responsible for this situation but he’s not completely innocent here.

[Lovelost34]

The only way forward is to remove this man completely from your life and wait for him to fade from your thoughts. It will be painful but you will gradually stop obsessing. I guarantee that, in a few years' time, you will wonder what you saw in him.
Thanks. I was making some minor progress during the last NC. It was 2.5 months. There were no new hurts. But then towards the end I started missing him a lot as a person, as a friend. I was working through that when he got back in touch.

[Lovelost34]

what do you want to do?
I don’t know. I want to be happy and at peace. I don’t want to humiliate myself. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

[SpyApp]

You are being used.

[Lovelost34]

if he really did feel as you feel presumably you'd be having the affair you so clearly want. He's not that into you, OP.
I get that. I think he’s very passionate about family though so I think even if I was the love of his life he would still feel a pull of duty to the family. He’s 100% rational, 0% emotional unless he’s had a drink. We have only been together while he’s had a drink once and all of his emotions came pouring out. Since then he’s not had a drink in front of me.

[Lovelost34]

You are being used.
Please can you explain more?

[SpyApp]

You are being used as an ego boost and a bit of excitement to brighten up his ordinary life.
Also from what you've already said about him he doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh.
Maybe have a think about why your bar is set so low.

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Your question was how do I move forward? Your answer is go no contact. Then you make excuses about how he will want to know why. He will know why, you have been told he enjoys the attention, he likes to see how you will react. This man is not your best friend. This man is a very slimy married man. Sort yourself out, sort your marriage out one way or the other and read chump lady because what she says applies to you too. You are looking for reasons and excuses to not go no contact. Just go no contact