Have I been a complete fool?

[Lovelost34]

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

Are you still in a relationship too?
If so, what else are you expecting him to say?
If you have fallen for this man, then finish your relationship, tell him, he can then make the decision to leave his partner or not be in contact anymore.

Did anything happen when you met him ?

Why did the meetings have to be secret if you two weren't doing anything wrong ?

Why do you think he was leading you on, when you were also in a relationship and contributed to the relationship.

I totally get why when you're in a bad relationship it is so easy to start an affair with someone. That we are desperate for someone to love us.

It does sound like he was enjoying the attention. But you always knew he was married and you are too. You also know that it rarely ends in happy ever after.

You need to go NC with him, leave your husband and spend time being confident in being single.

It sounds like you projected your own situation onto him OP. You're unhappy in your marriage and looking for a possible way out and assumed he felt the same, but he doesn't.

How do you move forward? Focus on your own life and forget about him for a while. Is your marriage worth saving? If so, start putting the effort in now before it's too late.

Well at least you know. I would completely back off now. He doesn’t need to be your best friend.

Were the meetings "secret" because you didn't tell your DH? He probably told his DW. Maybe you can't be close friends - for your own sake

It would be kind to say you were a fool. It would also let you off the hook for your own behaviour and choices.

Your implication is he led you on. I assume you are a functioning adult who made your own decisions to answer calls and engage in conversations. The purpose seems to be to cheat on your OH and to end his marriage. Do you really think that’s just a bit of foolishness on your behalf?

You are not the victim and you should own your behaviour. Which, in case your are struggling, has been deceitful, selfish and manipulative.

If you have fallen for this man, then finish your relationship, tell him, he can then make the decision to leave his partner or not be in contact anymore.

Presumably him saying he’s not happy but content means he wouldn’t want a relationship with me.

Sounds like he enjoys keeping you dangling. You're providing him with an ego boost. Yes you've been a fool. Are you still in your relationship?

Did anything happen when you met him ?
Nothing physical. But a lot of emotional closeness, oversharing and gazing.

Why did the meetings have to be secret if you two weren't doing anything wrong ?
My husband knew I was meeting him. He met me secretly from his wife. Presumably because she wouldn’t like it.

Why do you think he was leading you on, when you were also in a relationship and contributed to the relationship.
Because I think he knows how I feel about him yet he kept saying stuff that drew me in deeper but with no intention of acting on it.

I totally get why when you're in a bad relationship it is so easy to start an affair with someone. That we are desperate for someone to love us.
I honestly would never have had an affair with him. If it had come close I would have suggested we finish our relationships first.

It does sound like he was enjoying the attention. But you always knew he was married and you are too. You also know that it rarely ends in happy ever after.
I know. It’s so hard. I have spent 2 years falling for this guy.

You need to go NC with him, leave your husband and spend time being confident in being single.
I would find NC so painful.

It sounds like you projected your own situation onto him OP. You're unhappy in your marriage and looking for a possible way out and assumed he felt the same, but he doesn't.
Possibly but it was him who told me he had never loved her. What was I to deduce from that? And he says he’s not happy but has a certain contentment.

How do you move forward? Focus on your own life and forget about him for a while.
I will try. I have amazing children.

Is your marriage worth saving? If so, start putting the effort in now before it's too late.
I’m not sure. It hasn’t been happy for a long time.

Well at least you know. I would completely back off now. He doesn’t need to be your best friend.
Yeah.

Surely it will also be so painful if you continue as you are but knowing he doesn't feel the same?

Don't you feel any guilt towards your husband or his wife?

Were the meetings "secret" because you didn't tell your DH? He probably told his DW. Maybe you can't be close friends - for your own sake
It was the other way around. He didn’t tell her.

Does his wife know you are best friends?

LemonTT I accept your perspective.

Absolutely back off. You can’t be friends with him if you feel this way.

Just be prepared for him to notice you have backed off, and then come back to you with ‘Wait! When I said ‘content’, I meant miserable. My wife doesn’t understand me and we never have sex. I miss you and can’t stop thinking of you’. Etc etc.

He will try to reel you back in by telling you what you want to hear. Are you strong enough and smart enough to resist that?

He used all the usual lines. At least you didn't have sex with him.

I think you were looking for an affair here, there's no other reason you'd be so disappointed otherwise.

Presumably him saying he’s not happy but content means he wouldn’t want a relationship with me.

Married men looking for a bit on the side always claim they are less than happy in their marriage. It's an attempt to morally justify them playing away and also gives their target false hope that something serious could come of a relationship. You were played and you fell for it hook line and sinker.

You also opened the door for him by confiding in him that you were unhappy in your marriage. To a man with a wandering eye, that is an open invitation to try his luck. If you need to confide in anybody about your marriage, do so with your friends, sister or mother or, better yet, a marriage guidance counsellor. Did you confide in him in innocence though, or did you know exactly what game you were playing? The cynic in me suspects the latter.

I agree with the OP. Don’t come the “he led me astray” line. Your own account shows you knew exactly what you were doing. And almost everyone who has had an affair has said they wouldn’t let it happen. Until it does and then oops! My feelings were to strong! Totally not my fault guv!

Sounds to me like he got a reality check, realises this was heading into an affair and put a stop to things. Rather than continue to reel out the “my wife doesn’t understand me” story he’s admitted he’s content. Good for him.

Methinks you need to apply a reality check to yourself.

*Agree with the PP, not OP - bloody spellcheck

I think you have been a bit of a fool yes unfortunately.

He can't be your best friend now and it is affair territory.

I'd end it with him, then spend time working out what to do about your unhappy relationship.

You had an emotional affair and yes, you have been a fool. Step back, brush yourself down, look at your own relationship and work on that or leave your husband.

I've been similarly foolish op, got drawn in and totally played before he backed off (nothing physical). I've made a fool of myself and professionally regret it. Going no contact is hard but only way - he has shown you who he is - i second seeing a counsellor.

You aren't friends because there's a hidden agenda, I like being friends with men, just because the dynamic suits me, but if I get a whif of any sexual interest, it's a disappointment if I'm only after friendship, because they are the ones only being friends because they are after something, so you are not friends in the proper sense, you never were, just kidding yourself if you believe that. You need to cut ties, you are not friends when you fancy each other, because really it's all about that. Focus on sorting your marriage out one way or the other and take from this experience that limping along for kids is just crap and it's better to coparent than be unhappy.