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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Have I been a complete fool?

202 replies

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 08:03

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

OP posts:

Report

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:03

Does his wife know you are best friends?
I doubt it. She knows that we are friends but not how close we are.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:06

Absolutely back off. You can’t be friends with him if you feel this way.
I get it but we have been friends like this for 2 years already.

Just be prepared for him to notice you have backed off, and then come back to you with ‘Wait! When I said ‘content’, I meant miserable. My wife doesn’t understand me and we never have sex. I miss you and can’t stop thinking of you’. Etc etc.
I have tried to go NC twice before and each time he pulled me back in by getting in touch, wanting to know where I am. I know that he has sex with his wife.

He will try to reel you back in by telling you what you want to hear. Are you strong enough and smart enough to resist that?
I don’t want to have an affair with him. I want to be with him properly.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:08

I think you were looking for an affair here, there's no other reason you'd be so disappointed otherwise.
I don’t want to have an affair with him. I don’t want to share him. I want to be with him legitimately.

OP posts:

Shark17 · 06/05/2020 23:09

Is he the right person for you

LesleysChestnutBob · 06/05/2020 23:13

You're already having an emotional affair with him.

Would your marriage be less unhappy if you hadn't spent the last 2 years pouring all your energy into this other bloke?

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:13

Is he the right person for you

In what sense? I think so. I love him. I love his values, his children, his body, his profession (same as mine), his face, his warmth, his interest in me. He’s the first person I tell good news to. He’s the first person I tell bad news to. He makes me laugh. He brings out the best in me. When I’m with him I’m a version of myself that I didn’t know was there: happier, bolder, more outgoing, more confident. We talk for hours and hours. We are basically the same person.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:15

You're already having an emotional affair with him.
Yes, I think you’re right. I think he would be shocked and deny that.

Would your marriage be less unhappy if you hadn't spent the last 2 years pouring all your energy into this other bloke?
Possibly but my marriage is very complicated. I accept your point but I think this is a symptom more than a cause.

OP posts:

TigerDater · 06/05/2020 23:17

Oh dear OP, you’re in a pickle here. You need to have a full, open talk with him. Does he want to end his marriage and be with you? If there is any doubt or prevarication from him, you have your answer: you’ve fallen in love with the wrong man.

Shark17 · 06/05/2020 23:18

Well then im happy for you...if you say you love him then i believe you...go get your man.put yourself 1st for a change

RandomMess · 06/05/2020 23:21

Thing is he's only giving you the best of himself, and you are only giving him the best of yourself.

It's a huge dollop if fantasy with little reality...

Eugenieonegin · 06/05/2020 23:26

But OP it’s a very damaging symptom. All this energy and projection about someone who secretly meets you, rings you when he can? Was that meant to make you feel special? Turn this around and you are describing some very negative qualities in him, someone who is content but likes a thrill. I don’t think you have been strung along, I think you were looking for an out because you aren’t happy, but he isn’t.He doesn’t want to be with you properly. He is content.

MashedSpud · 06/05/2020 23:43

It seems very one sided.

He hasn’t said he’s in love with you, he just said he doesn’t love his wife.

You are his ego boost.

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:54

Oh dear OP, you’re in a pickle here. You need to have a full, open talk with him. Does he want to end his marriage and be with you? If there is any doubt or prevarication from him, you have your answer: you’ve fallen in love with the wrong man.
Well I presume that as he said he’s content that he wouldn’t want to be with me. I think if he met me and his wife at the same time that he would choose me. We’re a better fit. But I can’t compete with his family values, self image, reputation and his need to be a good guy.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:55

Well then im happy for you...if you say you love him then i believe you...go get your man.put yourself 1st for a change
I would definitely do that but he’s content so I can’t.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:56

someone who is content but likes a thrill
This is interesting. He also likes minor gambling, overeating, possibly overdrinking.

OP posts:

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 23:58

It seems very one sided. He hasn’t said he’s in love with you, he just said he doesn’t love his wife. You are his ego boost.
I don’t disagree with you. It could just be an ego boost for him.

OP posts:

Justtheonemorethen24 · 06/05/2020 23:58

@lovelost34, you say that you have children, does the OM have a family? Are you happy to pursue breaking up a family on so little?

Lovelost34 · 07/05/2020 00:06

Yes we both have children.

Breaking up families isn’t going to happen if he’s content.

But 2 years of regular contact, deepening friendship and attraction doesn’t feel like nothing.

OP posts:

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 07/05/2020 00:20

Have you been a complete fool?

Yes. And you still are. I mean...

We are basically the same person
How old are you? 17? So you like gambling, overeating, overdrinking and treating people who profess to love you like an afterthought too then? Speaking of which...

You know who definitely, absolutely has been a fool?

His wife. And your husband come to that. Your playing both of them for schmucks.

You speak about your partner and your kids as if their hypothetical quantities, rather than the living, breathing human beings with agency that they actually are. Get some empathy, OP.

Justtheonemorethen24 · 07/05/2020 00:38

I feel sad for you. I feel sad for his wife. He’s content with the status quo with both of you. If you’re really convinced that he’s the one, then tell him exactly that. Tell him that you aren’t going to stay with your Husband and that you want to be with him. I bet he won’t change anything. How old are his children? I only ask as if they’re still really little then maybe he’s ok being content til they’re older before leaving his wife.

MsDogLady · 07/05/2020 01:35

But a lot of emotional closeness, oversharing and gazing.

You are emotionally cheating and making a fool of your husband.

He made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc.

You believed that he was picking you, but it sounds like he has been manipulating you. As for his strong “family values,” does that include having an emotional affair and making a mockery of his wife?

managedmis · 07/05/2020 01:37

Were you born yesterday or what?

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MashedSpud · 07/05/2020 02:07

Personally I don’t think you should wait around for this guy. You should try and go no contact (it will be had at first), get your feelings sorted then decide whether to work things out with your DH or divorce and then find someone who meets your needs.

At the moment this man is set high up on a pedestal in your mind so your DH can’t compete.

Lalala205 · 07/05/2020 02:11

Well for a start he's completely contradicting himself if he's stating he wouldn't describe himself as happy, but is content. Unless he's just trying to say he's 'prepared to settle for his wife', but knows that'll make him sound a complete arse hole. You've also described his wife as basically chief cook, cleaner, and childcare provider. She's supposed to be his partner not his mum! I suspect you're really not his 'best friend' in his mind at all. I suspect you're 'fantasy fun time, ego booster friend', who he knows has a thing for him. I doubt he feels the need to sneak about to ring 'Dave from the pub' to have a chat with. 🙄

interest12 · 07/05/2020 03:09

Your poor husband. You're a terrible person.

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