Have I been a complete fool?

[Lovelost34]

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

Yes I agree with SpyApp. He's using you to make his life a bit more fun and interesting but without any thought to anyone else's feelings (yours, his wife and kids, your husband).

In case you need further explanation - he lies to the woman he made vows to. He's highly likely to be lying to you (he's a liar - it's what they do - he'll have got you thinking you're special and different - it's what they do). You've written about him gambling, overeating and overdrinking. That doesn't sound great. When you've drawn a line, he's disrespected that and reeled you back in
You sound very naive tbh and I think he's taking full advantage of that.

Have you met his wife?

Go NC, tell him why, he won’t care as he will get his ego boost elsewhere. He’s not your friend OP, he’s just enjoying playing with fire.

She isn’t being used FFS! She has signed up for a EA and doesn’t get to cry victim because it hasn’t progressed further than that. There’s a reason she hasn’t declared her undying love for the OM and that’s because she doesn’t want to scare him off or to embark on a physical affair therefore blowing ‘neither of us want an affair’ noble narrative that she clings to.

He would never have an affair. Morally he’s totally against them.

🤣🤣🤣 Op you really can’t be this much in denial. He’s l already having an affair, just because he doesn’t label his shady behaviour as such, doesn’t make it untrue.

Walk away and block him. You aren’t powerless, you’re just pretending to be because you won’t accept your contribution to this soap opera.

I will check out chump lady. Thanks

Yes I agree with SpyApp. He's using you to make his life a bit more fun and interesting but without any thought to anyone else's feelings (yours, his wife and kids, your husband).
He admits he can be selfish. I guess he’s just enjoying it.

he'll have got you thinking you're special and different
Yes, he makes me feel special. Or he did until his content remark.

Have you met his wife?
Yes I have.

. If it had come close I would have suggested we finish our relationships first.

I really feel for you but please, wake up and see what you are doing with your life. You really don't need to find someone else in order to end your current relationship.

In fact, the people you meet when you are both in other relationships are rarely the absolute best. You are simply ruling out all the really decent people who end a relationship before they look for the next one

You don't have to do that to yourself.

Look at your existing relationship, is it worth salvaging? If so, have at it and if not, end it decently and openly.

I can’t go NC without telling him why

Why ever do you think that? Simplest part of this whole mess is to block him and not be in contact with him any more. Not easy, but v v simple

You have sadly been living a fantasy for a couple of years. A lovely fantasy, but one completely without connection to fact. You have seen the 'honeymoon' side of him and no one is like that all the time.

Do your self a favour, pick up control of your own life and start now. All the best.

He's not anyone's best friend. He's just another opportunistic cheating man.

Do you have female friends?

You’ve met his wife yet still going on about how you want to be with him , and how special he makes you feel .
Sorry, MM like that love women like you , naive , willing to put up with whatever nonsense he decides to dish out on the day .You make it all sound so innocent , yet everything you say contradicts itself . He’s a devoted family man , yeah cos all devoted family men behave like this behind their wives backs , not .
You haven’t portrayed yourself well IMO , his DW and your DH deserve better
If you don’t want your DH, do the decent thing , let him go so he can meet a decent woman who won’t behave like you are behaving now

I think your poor husbands the fool. You don’t seem to be aware that YOU are causing your husband to be living a lie unbeknownst to him. Vile.

You don’t want to be humiliated?? You are humiliating your husband. I’m stunned I reall am.

He would never have an affair. Morally he’s totally against them.

He already is! It's an emotional affair.

Have you posted about him before? I remember a very similar scenario Where he brought his wife to a coffee meet up with you. If it’s you, you have been going through agonies over this for a long time.

You don't really know this man.
You only know a side of him that he has carefully shown you.

Take some time away from men and focus on you as an individual, not somebody's Mam, wife or friend. Who are you and what do you want for yourself.

OP, is this whole reaction and heartbreak based purely on his comment that he is “content” but not happy in his marriage?

Read the Shirley Glass book - Not ‘just Friends’, read up about limerance and affair fog and get yourself some individual counselling. Your husband deserves better, this Affair Partner, because you are unquestionably in an emotional affair, should be dropped immediately, change your job and focus on being a better person.

OP, is this whole reaction and heartbreak based purely on his comment that he is “content” but not happy in his marriage?
Yes

Read the Shirley Glass book - Not ‘just Friends’
I have read it.

change your job
We don’t work together.

It's an emotional affair.
Even if we haven’t revealed any feelings verbally?

This man sounds like a self-absorbed dick of the first order. All you are is an accessory for his navel-gazing. He likes an audience while he muses about the state of his marriage in a way he probably thinks is profound but is in fact the same old crap we hear time and time again.

"I can’t go NC without telling him why and I don’t want to tell him why."

"I feel that there is a risk of inappropriate feelings developing between us so I have decided to step away out of respect for my husband and marriage."

Staying silent is just making it harder for you and putting yourself in a weak position. Just be up front, be confident, be powerful. Take control of your life and decide for yourself whats happening in your life, you'll be surprised how good it can feel.

Just because he denies an emotional affair doesn't make it less of one. He's invested emotionally in someone that's not his wife, and done it in secret.

He doesn't have good values either, as much as you like to think he does. He doesn't.