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Original poster

Have I been a complete fool?

202 replies

Lovelost34 · 06/05/2020 08:03

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 07/05/2020 23:55

You have said repeatedly you love his children, what about yours? Do you love them? How would they feel if this strange and irrational fantasy became reality? Come on. He is no friend. NC and move on.

FlaskMaster · 08/05/2020 00:09

If you could have a proper relationship with him and live together, but behind your back he had this relationship you now have with a "friend" he met and contacted secretly, who he told he didn't love you, would you want that? Would that make you happy? Because that's the reality of who he is as a person. He's selfish. He encourages your affections for an ego boost, knowing how much the truth would hurt his wife and kids. He's not a nice guy. You're seeing in him what you want to see. He's not going to rescue you from your marriage, leave on your own. And he's not your friend. You ghosted him and it took him 2 months to get back in touch, he got bored without his ego massage and decided to see if he could reel you back in and use you for an ego boost again.

almondmagnummum · 08/05/2020 01:14

This post has to be a joke surely 🤦‍♀️

Futurenostalgia · 08/05/2020 06:48

You say he is your best friend. Does he feel the same about you? If so, does his wife know you are best friends?

Original poster
Lovelost34 · 08/05/2020 07:03

If you could have a proper relationship with him and live together, but behind your back he had this relationship you now have with a "friend" he met and contacted secretly, who he told he didn't love you, would you want that? Would that make you happy? Because that's the reality of who he is as a person. He's selfish. He encourages your affections for an ego boost, knowing how much the truth would hurt his wife and kids. He's not a nice guy.
I can see your point here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelost34 · 08/05/2020 07:04

You say he is your best friend. Does he feel the same about you?
I’m not sure. We speak more than any other friends and are close but I think he has male friends who he really values too.

If so, does his wife know you are best friends?
No

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelost34 · 08/05/2020 07:06

You have said repeatedly you love his children, what about yours? Do you love them? How would they feel if this strange and irrational fantasy became reality?
Of course I love my children. I don’t think that being attracted to someone else, wanting to be with them without having an affair is strange or irrational.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelost34 · 08/05/2020 07:07

How can you love his children? You don’t know them.
I do know them. They are important to him, therefore they are important to me. I won’t apologise for that.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 08/05/2020 07:28

OP, loads of posters will try to make you feel shit but actually you have done something that is stupid but really human - you’ve confused fantasy and real life.

I guess your relationship with him is 80% in your head and 20% actually built on real discussion or meaning with this guy. You are unhappy and looking for an out, and have basically day dreamed nearly the whole thing.

I believe you that he has feelings for you. Pre-school children are hard work and when they are small it is all so intense and he probably loved having someone around who thought he was fabulous and wasn’t asking him to do XYZ house/child chore.

But you’ve got to stop now. Don’t tell him how you feel (he knows). Just back off. He loves his wife and he won’t leave her (sorry) and he is telling you that. Block him and cry it out and move on. And see a counsellor about improving your own relationship.

LesleysChestnutBob · 08/05/2020 07:32

Would you care at all if your husband was carrying on with a "friend" in the same way you are?

Futurenostalgia · 08/05/2020 07:41

So what are you going to do op?

KatherineJaneway · 08/05/2020 07:47

Even if we haven’t revealed any feelings verbally?

You said yourself:

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings.

But a lot of emotional closeness, oversharing and gazing.

Jeezoh · 08/05/2020 07:58

You trust yourself except one word from this man and you’d break up your marriage? You’re delusional, you’re already cheating on your husband!

You need to sort out your own marriage first, whether that involves giving it a go or breaking up. All your posts are focused on you and this man, I feel sorry for your partners. Get a grip and stop fantasising.

RandomMess · 08/05/2020 09:44

Sadly you are a being a complete fool now.

Posters are explaining to you very clearly that this is an emotional affair, you have a built a fantasy life for yourself with this guy and your combine DC.

He is happy with the situation as is. Wife at home plus you hanging on his every word besotted, if you suggested meeting up for sex he would take you up on it. He has zero intention of leaving he wife because he marriage is happy enough to stay.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2020 09:50

When will women ever learn, that men will say anything to keep a woman interested in them? Their egos love it. LOVE the attention. They. Will. Lie. It is easy. They know exactly what a woman wants to hear. And yet mistresses fall for it time and time and time again, year after year, the world over. The script never changes. He LOVES that he has you like his. Of course he's content! He can't quite admit to you he loves his wife so, as they usually do, they twist it. He's a liar and he's sly. I wouldn't want that as a friend. You're also sly though.

Futurenostalgia · 08/05/2020 09:53

I don’t think he wants a bit on the side does he? He’s very moralistic apparently plus he’s content with his wife anyway.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2020 09:53

I believe you that he has feelings for you. Pre-school children are hard work and when they are small it is all so intense and he probably loved having someone around who thought he was fabulous and wasn’t asking him to do XYZ house/child chore

Right?? These men are SO fucking moronic. The grass isn't greener on the other side for fucksake, it's just more grass ie bills to pay, chores to do, daily life grind. But of course the stupid fucks forget this when their penis and egos are getting stroked by other female attention.

MsPavlichenko · 08/05/2020 09:55

He is an arsehole, and to be brutal you've been an idiot.

He is no friend. He is no decent husband or father either. What he says or suggests is meaningless. Look at what he is doing. Stringing you along, boosting his ego and deceiving his wife. And that's probably not all. As I said. An arsehole.

Block him and get on sorting out your actual life.

fuckinghellthisshit · 08/05/2020 10:00

You've not mentioned your husband once.

JKScot4 · 08/05/2020 10:10

How can you love his children? You don’t know them.
I do know them. They are important to him, therefore they are important to me
If you’re meeting up without his wife’s knowledge, how do you know his kids? Does he bring them along?
Seriously you are being demented now, every op has told you this is fantasy and you still try to justify it all.
At no point has this man said he likes you other than as a friend everything is your imagination, if he wanted an affair he’s had two years to try.
I’ll be honest if you were my friend I’d be very concerned for your MH, you are irrational and living in a fantasy and starting to sound unhinged.

Skyla2005 · 08/05/2020 10:37

Sounds to me like his messes you around. His enjoyed the emotional affair with you as it’s boosting his ego and his liked the attention but he had been sneaking around behind his wife’s back at the same time would you want to be with him knowing his capable of that ? Your unhappy girl in your marriage and this has been a welcome distraction for you. Try and cut contact with him and sort your home life out I suspect he will meddle with your head now and keep texting as he won’t want this to end I can see this dragging on and all it will do is mess your head up if you don’t stop contact

ChristmasFluff · 08/05/2020 12:17

" it was him who told me he had never loved her. What was I to deduce from that?"

Perhaps deduce that he is the sort of man who will pretend to have feelings for a woman? And he is convincing enough that she marries him.

And then consider he is doing the same to you?

He is dishonest - either lying to you, or emotionally dishonest enough to marry someone he didn't love. After all, he was hardly likely to say, 'I', not in love with you, but will you marry me?'

Leopards don't change their spots - he's playing you like he's played her, and like he has doubtless played many other admiring women in the past. But it isn't heating, because he's never in love.....

ChristmasFluff · 08/05/2020 12:18

'cheating', not heating!

Skyla2005 · 08/05/2020 12:27

Seriously you need to cut contact with this bloke he will mess with your head. You sound as though your infatuated with him but you only know the good bits. The bits he wants you to see. His probably an arsehole when his at home with his wife and kids All your doing is giving him a big head stop it now. And meanwhile In the last 2 years your marriage has gone further down the pan because all you’ve been doing is obsessing over him all the time block his number and work out what you want in your marriage nothing will come of this his a sneak

Original poster
Lovelost34 · 08/05/2020 21:42

you’ve confused fantasy and real life.
I’m not confused really. I understand that he has a wife and gets enough of his needs met at home but he definitely flirted with me and emotionally seduced me. Whether that was because he felt a strong attraction towards me or just wanted an ego boost, I don’t know.

OP posts:
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