Have I been a complete fool?

[Lovelost34]

2 years ago I met a guy who I instantly clicked with. We quickly became best friends. We’re both married.

Over the 2 years we got closer and I ended up confiding in him a lot about my marital problems.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings. Told me he’d never been in love, etc. We had a couple of secret meetings. We text every other day and he phones me about every other week when he’s alone.

Then we had a chat yesterday and I asked him about home. He said that he wouldn’t say he’s happy in his marriage but he’s content.

Basically in my view he has hot meals, washing done, 100% access to his kids, regular sex.

I feel like such a fool. I fell for this man who is content at home.

My heart really really hurts.

How can I move forwards?

We are still best friends.

He possibly has no idea how I feel about him.

[whatisthisdeliciousthing]

And I very much doubt he stood up on his wedding day and said he was settling. I'm sure there were plenty of declarations of love. He has preschool children op. So not that long ago his wife was carrying his babies and giving birth - that seems to have escaped his mind pretty quickly. Again, no values.

[TorkTorkBam]

You can go NC telling him "Our friendship is making me feel uncomfortable now so I need to stay away and focus on my marriage."

[mamato3lads]

@Lovelost34

Moral judgements aside, I really feel for you. Yes, you should have had a lot more control but you cannot help your feelings. Be aware though, those feelings are based on only what he has chosen to reveal the past 2 years. It's a common theme "were so alike...basically the same person". Believe me when I say you're not. A healthy dose of reality and a some time being with this guy in the real world would prove that to you.

Imagine he leaves his wife and becomes "legitimately" yours as you say. Could you ever trust him? Seriously? You'd go into this knowing he had form, knowing he innocently acts like he doesn't know what he's doing...hiding your relationship from his wife because he knows full well its inappropriate, not giving one shit about his wife and very small kids. Plus minor gambling , overeating and over drinking...sounds like a real catch OP.

Take the rose tinted glasses off. Honestly. You don't love him...you love the idea of him.

Stop, before it all comes crashing down x

[TossaCointoYerWitcher]

Actually @TorkTorkBamhas hit the nail on the head. You don’t need to declare your feelings to go NC. You simply say that, as a married woman, this set-up is becoming uncomfortable. Say your husband might get the wrong idea, if you like. That gives a definite request for him to leave you alone as well as sparing your blushes.

[LizzieLoafer]

Bloodyhell OP chasing after a married man with young kids.

Imagine if you were in love with your husband and some little harlot gave your husband lots of attention.
He ups an leaves you with young kids.

Not morals.

[LizzieLoafer]

*No

[Greenkit]

If you're not happy leave your marriage
That's all you need to do!


If after that he is there, you can start a relationship once he has also left his wife and is single for a bit

[angelsonbareskin]

He isn't your best friend.

[Lovelost34]

be confident, be powerful. Take control of your life and decide for yourself whats happening in your life, you'll be surprised how good it can feel.
That does sound appealing. I feel totally lacking any control.

[Lovelost34]

Could you ever trust him? Seriously? You'd go into this knowing he had form, knowing he innocently acts like he doesn't know what he's doing...hiding your relationship from his wife because he knows full well its inappropriate, not giving one shit about his wife and very small kids. Plus minor gambling , overeating and over drinking...sounds like a real catch OP.
I think I would trust him. I trust myself. If we both left our spouses for each other then I know he could 100% trust me so why not trust him?

[loveyoutothemoon]

It doesn't sound like he'll pursue things with you, and that he knows where his loyalties lie. Leave him to get on with his life. You are not friends!

[MsDogLady]

So why not trust him?

Because he pursues OWs for ego-supply and validation. Because he enjoys telling OWs how he objectifies his wife. Because when he cheats with OWs, he then rewrites history and expects them to go along with the charade to prop up his ‘honorable’ self-image.

He is still the same cliche that he was when you wrote about him several times previously. You got the same advice then and seemed to take it on board. It is time to take control of your life, go NC and mean it.

[BackseatCookers]

I think I would trust him. I trust myself. If we both left our spouses for each other then I know he could 100% trust me so why not trust him?

That doesn't make sense though... don't you see that?

Lots of people know their partner could trust them 100% but still get cheated on or let down.

Lots of people are 100% convinced their relationship is great but they still get left if their partner isn't happy.

You are not best friends with this man, your relationship with him exists outside of the real world in that it's not quite friendship (as you feel more and think he does too) not quite a crush (as you consider your feelings deeper than that) and nowhere near a romantic relationship (because he has never said anything romantic and is content where he is) so you haven't had to develop a relationship with normal boundaries and expectations because you don't quite fit in any category.

If you love your partner then leave him as you're not happy enough with him to stay.

Don't keep him as a safe option while you pine over the other man, that's cruel.

He said a lot of stuff to me that made it sound like he had strong feelings.

I'm sorry as I know this probably hurts but it sounds like this relationship has been very different for you than it has for him, you're reading into stuff and adding the subtext you want there to be.

It's shit but that's life - you need to leave your partner if you're unhappy enough to pine this amount over someone else.

[BackseatCookers]

Oh has this been posted about before? I didn't recognise the name but maybe I was wrong

[JKScot4]

We haven’t spoken of feelings for each other
You sound like a lovestruck teenager, you have built up a fantasy, at no point has this guy suggested anything other than friendship, it’s all fantasy and assumptions especially if you know he’d never have an affair.
I think there a high chance he does only see you as a friend if he didn’t I think he might have said something in two years.

[PrayingandHoping]

Just tell him your feelings. Tell him that now you either leave your families for each other or that's it u don't context each other. It's that black and white. What do u have to loose by telling him?

At least then he will understand to stop contacting u and u can all move on

[Sorchamarie]

This situation is so eerily familiar. Right down to the man who is so against affairs and such an 'upright man' 🙄 That poster (assuming it isn't you OP) was told over and over that her obsession with this man was not going to end well and that she needs to go no-contact.
Your husband also deserves the truth OP. That you're in love with another man and that you are willing to leave him (your husband) to be with this other man.
Stop being so bloody selfish. Be a good person.

[Pertella]

Wait... you love his children?

That's pretty shocking tbh...

[loveyoutothemoon]

This rings a bell again.
OP doesn't want a knock back from him, it would be the end of her fantasy...

[JKScot4]

100% trust 🤣🤣🤣🤣
you think you both leaving your families established trust? you are delusional or on crack.

[JKScot4]

*establishes

[famousforwrongreason]

You’re vulnerable to temptation at the moment. I’m sure it’s already been said but to save hurt and mess please back off from this inappropriate relationship.
If you both become single then pursue it.
If you have ideas about something more then friendship then you need to exercise self control and back off. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole. You will come out worst off.
He’ll be enjoying the attention and distraction from his complacent marriage.
If you’re not happy then either work on your marriage or leave so you can both find someone more compatible.
Good luck xx

[Lovelost34]

Wait... you love his children? That's pretty shocking tbh...
Do you think me loving his children is a bad thing? I love him. They are a part of him and I love them too. I have met them. Isn’t that better than being indifferent to them or disliking them?

[Lovelost34]

Because he enjoys telling OWs how he objectifies his wife.
How do you mean?

Because when he cheats with OWs, he then rewrites history and expects them to go along with the charade to prop up his ‘honorable’ self-image.
He has never cheated.

[JKScot4]

How can you love his children? You don’t know them.
I’m actually concerned for your MH, you seem deluded and irrational.