I feel awful for saying this but I don’t know what to do...

[mum1993]

My and my boyfriend have been together 6 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have both put on weight since we first met like most couples, however he has put on a lot (in excess of 7/8 stone).

His weight doesn’t affect the way I feel about him as of course I love him because of who he is and not what he looks like, however I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.... and I don’t know what to do.

I have politely tried to mention dieting together and getting healthy as a family which works for about a week and then old eating habits creep in. As much as I try at home, he is a grown man so I can’t control what he eats at work ( I have tried packed lunches before and he doesn’t eat them!)

Don’t get me wrong, of course I still love him but I hate not having any sexual connection in our relationship.

I am have a flame-retardant suit on because this is such a touchy subject for so many people: but you absolutely need to be outright clear that this is a problem for you and you need him to change. Loving somebody for their personality because they are your partner is entirely different to finding them sexy, and it is not shallow to stop finding someone sexy because they look absolutely nothing like they did when you first met them and were attracted to them.

Sure, sure, weight is hard to lose. But every single person who I know who - male or female - has lost large amounts of weight, has done so because one day they had the kicker factor which was someone telling them they needed to either do it for their health or because their partner wasn’t attracted to them anymore.

You need to tell him. If he has gained 7/8 stone I can only imagine he is significantly obese which is a huge health risk. I would be very worried about my husband if he has gained this sort of weight and would definitely sit down and be straight about all the health problems he could have if he doesn't lose weight pronto. I agree with the PP- people need a trigger to lose weight and maybe you need to be his. You can give him a lot of love during this conversation of course because he might feel upset, but it might be the start he needs.
I gained weight - not to the extent of your DH but I went past the point of healthy. My DH said he was worried I might gain more if I carried on eating as I was and it would become even more of an issue. I wasn't upset and I lost the weight for my health and because he was right.

@mum1993

Omg I could of wrote this myself! Catch 22 ain’t it, I’ve tried saying it so many times, various ways. Possibly on my part I need to be abit more straight talking?

I completely get it!

Be honest with him, it might be the motivation he needs to kick start a training and healthier eating program.

It's not like you're moaning he's put on a few pounds, in excess of 7 or 8 extra stone in pretty much another person bolted on.

That's a lot to pile on. It can't be healthy for him so could you use that approach, really be strict as a household. Do it all together. It shouldn't be too hard for him to make a decent dent in his weight.

Thats a savage amount of weight to gain and would change your appearance completely.

I think you will have to spell it out.
Better that than allow the relationship to fade.

It's a hugely sensitive subject, i get that.
But that is a massive weight gain.
Not good for his health but not good for his relationship.

I think you'll have to say it to him straight.

Tough one.

My husbands lost 10stone and looks nothing like he did went we first met. It really changed the way I feel about him in terms of attractiveness

You need to tell him but do it in the right way. You don't want him to get offended, upset etc. or he may just keep piling on.

Thank you all for your replies!

His health does worry me and I have mentioned this before especially having 2 young children. Me and other close family members have told him how worried we are especially with him have quite a physical job.

I will have a think about how I can approach the sexual attraction part with him as like a few of you have said I don’t want to upset him as his weight is already quite a touchy subject! Any suggestions?

Could you perhaps decide to have a family afternoon of showing your dcs photos of when they were babies and also ones of yourself and eh before you had kids / started dating ?
It might bring home to him the man he used to be . If it does not then look at those photos again in the evening and gently bring it up.

@VictoriaBun

That’s a really good idea, thank you!

Fat people always know they're fat. It's the health angle I'd focus on.

Let him know he has your support. As PP said he needs to want to make the change himself, but having someone there to help is massive. No treats at home, smaller, healthier portions and more exercise as a family will help, I wouldn’t necessarily bring up the sexual intimacy, just focus on what a future with two healthy parents looks like for your kids Does he know why he’s eating? Is it emotional?

It was reported that if you have a BMI over 40 then you could get passed over for covid treatment if NHS is completely overwhelmed and there are healthier people (not sure if that’s completely true) but would your DP want to put himself at risk like this?

I have no support at home, and in fact, my ‘D’P sabotages my weightloss, so you being there to support him is great.

My xh used to sabotage my weight loss too.

@SodaSodaBanana

I wouldn’t say it emotional. When we have managed to talk about it, he says it’s because he can’t go to the gym like he used too (2 hours a day, 7 days a week) because of me and the children.

He doesn’t cook dinner and do the food shopping so that is where I have some kind of control on what he eats but I know when he’s at work he’ll just eat takeaways and fizzy drinks rather than anything from home. (Pre lockdown of course!)

I will just have to stick at it and hopefully something will click 🤞🏼

@VictoriaBun that is a really good idea. Subtle but potentially very effective. It is a sensitive subject OP but your concern is out of love and because obviously he is not only your boyfriend but the father of your children and you don't want him to potentially suffer from bad health. I look back at photos of myself from years back (it's kind of in reverse because I was not in great shape then but I'm happier with how I am now) and it's only seeing those photos that really brings it home.

There is so much more to being fat than just eating too much. You don’t need to tell anyone they’re fat, they know. Focus on your own healthy eating and make healthy family meals. He needs to come to the place he has to himself. Raise him up, not down.

If he would be willing to replace all his fizzy drinks at work with their sugar free, diet or “lite” versions, that would be a good start.
Asking his GP practice to do a blood sugar check for type 2 diabetes would be a good move as well, and be a serious wake up call if it was raised.
Seriously obese patients and diabetics have worse outcomes if they get infected with Covid, and you could perhaps use this as a lever with your DH, saying you want him to lose weight to increase his chance of survival.

Encouragement and support, rather than criticism or the devastating comment that you no longer fancy him, are the way to go, I think!

I feel for you OP you are in a tough situation. It really comes across how much you care and love him which is actually nice because you often see a post like this and the OP is saying it for their own issues and that's not how you come across.

No idea if this is of any help but after being very unwell I put in 6 stone . It did dramatically change not only my appearance but my health. I hated it , couldn't make it up the stairs without stopping for breath in my own home. However being honest it took me a long time to be able to get in the right headspace to dp something about it. Eventually i did and lost 8 stone and am far healthier , far more energetic than i have been. At 40 i am in better shape than i was at 20. Now looking back it was a combination of work stress , being ill, childcare etc that put the weight on but also losing a lot of weight is bloody hard. It takes mental control that people cant understand if they haven't been there and that can be overwhelming thinking about it at the beginning.

My thoughts would be this, I have no doubt that it did affect dp's sexual attraction to me but had he said it , it would have been the furthest thing from a motivator I could imagine. It would have tapped into the massive shame spiral I was in. I know you mean it in the nicest way but for me it would have been the worst possible thing (however nicely said).

It's no comment on you that its affected your attraction to him, of course it will, it definitely will have affected my dp's but it would have made things worse by having that conversation. The only time DP commented was about my health . Just like now the only time he worries is whether I have enough spare weight to withstand if I was unwell again (don't ask hes got a theory I need a little more weight to be able to withstand a period of hospitalization.....historical fear for him there)

Keep plugging away on the health aspect , for me it was what got through and didnt feed into that shame .

Hes lucky to have you as support

@Shinyletsbebadguys

Thank you for this message. I was quite scared to post this as I was worried it would come across as nasty which is the last thing I want it to be.

I think I will definitely focus on the health aspect as that does worry me a lot especially with the current circumstances.

Could you try pointing out that being very overweight is a significant risk if he catches corona?

Worth pointing it out.

Bloody cheeky of him to blame you and the kids for the fact he can't go to the gym everyday. Does he think nobody in the gym has a family ?? I'm sure you'd be happy to accommodate that , not two hours a day maybe.
Is he out walking at the moment , let him take the kids out he could walk with them. He could get up early and do a good hours walk before everyone else gets up.

Interesting that he says he can’t lose weight because of you and the children preventing his spending two hours a day at the gym. Give it to him real - it’s his own fault for eating too much, not yours or the children’s! It’s kind of pathetic to blame anyone else.

@3rdNamechange

Completely happy for him to go to the gym. Just ask that he doesn’t get home too late so he can help with bedtimes that’s all. I don’t think that unreasonable?

My dh is up to 20 St... Told him straight sex is pretty limited now.. He is making changes..
Was pretty simple ime!.
And I also said I needed to lose 2 stone along with him too..
Get our sparkle back!