I feel awful for saying this but I don’t know what to do...

[mum1993]

My and my boyfriend have been together 6 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have both put on weight since we first met like most couples, however he has put on a lot (in excess of 7/8 stone).

His weight doesn’t affect the way I feel about him as of course I love him because of who he is and not what he looks like, however I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.... and I don’t know what to do.

I have politely tried to mention dieting together and getting healthy as a family which works for about a week and then old eating habits creep in. As much as I try at home, he is a grown man so I can’t control what he eats at work ( I have tried packed lunches before and he doesn’t eat them!)

Don’t get me wrong, of course I still love him but I hate not having any sexual connection in our relationship.

I have a fair bit of weight to lose and my motivation isn't my partner but my child it came when I read a letter I wrote to her when I had covid, I told her that if I was to survive this then I would do everything in my power to get healthy. I know it must be hard when you don't fancy your OH but I fear that you telling him you don't fancy him will send him in to binge eating mode. Because what's the point right he's got too much to lose and its too hard. So different approach write him a letter and if you can write it with your children.
Perhaps something like: things we want to do with daddy when he's lost weight. Maybe go swimming, big family holiday, going on all the biggest roller coasters. And maybe in this letter you could tell him how much you love him and how much you all need him around and your scared of losing him.
Unfortunately you are doing everything you can do he needs to be in the right mind set like with any addiction. Accept with most addictions you can go cold turkey but we still need to sustain ourselves.

He sounds out of control. That amount of weight gain must mean something more than just overeating is going on.

Look at team RH on facebook. It's a very simple gentle and effective way of losing weight. Just eat at a calorie deficit that they set (mine is set at 500 calories less than I burn on average - so I burn about 2400 cals and so my cals are 1900 which is plenty). Drink plenty of water and fit in a certain amount of steps a day (get a fitbit).

I wouldn't say anything about sex because that may just sink him further, but concentrate on his health and the very real possibility that at this rate he may not see his children grow up

You love him dearly

You would love to have hot athletic sex with him

Being 8 stone heavier makes this tricky

Being dead or disabled with heart issues makes it even trickier

Look, I lost someone last year to complications from diabetes, they were hugely overweight, arthritis pain, breathing difficulties from heart failure, leg sores that didn't heal, needed a mobility scooter, couldn't go out if there were colds about - why would anyone want that for someone they love?

Sit down together and work out a plan. If he loves you he won't want you a young widow or carer. Good luck.

@Wereeaglesdare

Firstly, I sorry to hear that you’ve been affected by COVID 19. I am glad to hear that you are on the mend!

I think a letter is a good idea as it’s something he can read in private and I won’t feel like I am nagging him as much

@mum1993 absolutely not unreasonable. I don't think he should have blamed you for not being able to go , good luck.