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Relationships

Not coping with my break up

66 replies

helpmyhead · 09/10/2019 09:38

Been with my oh for 9 months but been friends for over two years. Things have been up and down the last six weeks or so. Hadn’t had sex for over 3 months, just generally felt unloved and slightly unwanted. Oh went off on a stag do last week. I have a huge group of mutual friends with him and well known acquaintances. Quite a few of them his employees. Went out last week for a few drinks with a handful of them and one of his employees came after he had finished work. We get on well as I do with them all, I will literally speak to anyone probably a bit of a people pleaser in all honesty. We all had a few drinks and four of us two women and two men got went to another place and had one more. At that point my female friend could barely stand so I called her a taxi. At this point I’d had 1.5 bottles of wine and two doubles, my limit is normally a bottle. I was very drunk. The two blokes came back to mine, all innocent as like I say they are either friends with female partners who are also my friends or his employees. Came back and had another two glasses of wine. And then I don’t know what happened but I ended up having sex with the one and can’t really remember what part the other one took although I do remember us kissing a few times and him being present. At first I said no this isn’t a good idea but I remember the one taking my trousers off, the night is a bit of a blur. I can’t remember everything that hPpened only snapshots of it. I remember the one bringing handcuffs down and putting them on me. I didn’t kick them off scream or shout no. I told someone the night after what had happened and someone that knows him overheard and told my now ex oh. I am literally black and blue from my thighs upwards to my ribs. Oh obviously split up with me and I wasn’t innocent or blameless but these were my friends’ and them coming to my house was innocent I didn’t think anything of it. However I do feel taken advantage of, an I wrong to feel like this? I almost feel like it was pre planned that they wanted something to happen on the walk back to mine as id linked arms with one of them (his oh isn’t my friend) and then remember walking ahead of them for a good few minutes. Both have denied it to my now ex oh and the one has said he fell asleep and the other one told ex oh that he left after 25 minutes. I have told my oh the truth eventually as I was initially trying to protect my female friend from finding out about what happened. I know I’m in the wrong completely but I can’t cope with my break up. I feel suicidal and took some tablets the other night and even tried cutting myself and I can’t even do that properly. It feels like my world has completely shut down and I’ve lost what I genuinely thought was my soulmate. We’ve been talking about stuff but I can’t be without him, I’ve hurt him so much and I can see how upset he is. Just don’t know how to get on like this, I know it’s early days but I hate myself and I don’t know how to make it better. We were meant to be going to a wedding together this weekend and now I’m obviously not going and I just want to be with him. How can I make this better?

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hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2019 16:32

but they are not the kind of people to have done that
BUT THEY DID DO THAT OP!
You have the bruises to prove it.
The sooner you see this for what it is the better.
Because burying your head will cause PTSD in the long term.
Just a warning. It happens a lot!