Not coping with my break up

[helpmyhead]

Been with my oh for 9 months but been friends for over two years. Things have been up and down the last six weeks or so. Hadn’t had sex for over 3 months, just generally felt unloved and slightly unwanted. Oh went off on a stag do last week. I have a huge group of mutual friends with him and well known acquaintances. Quite a few of them his employees. Went out last week for a few drinks with a handful of them and one of his employees came after he had finished work. We get on well as I do with them all, I will literally speak to anyone probably a bit of a people pleaser in all honesty. We all had a few drinks and four of us two women and two men got went to another place and had one more. At that point my female friend could barely stand so I called her a taxi. At this point I’d had 1.5 bottles of wine and two doubles, my limit is normally a bottle. I was very drunk. The two blokes came back to mine, all innocent as like I say they are either friends with female partners who are also my friends or his employees. Came back and had another two glasses of wine. And then I don’t know what happened but I ended up having sex with the one and can’t really remember what part the other one took although I do remember us kissing a few times and him being present. At first I said no this isn’t a good idea but I remember the one taking my trousers off, the night is a bit of a blur. I can’t remember everything that hPpened only snapshots of it. I remember the one bringing handcuffs down and putting them on me. I didn’t kick them off scream or shout no. I told someone the night after what had happened and someone that knows him overheard and told my now ex oh. I am literally black and blue from my thighs upwards to my ribs. Oh obviously split up with me and I wasn’t innocent or blameless but these were my friends’ and them coming to my house was innocent I didn’t think anything of it. However I do feel taken advantage of, an I wrong to feel like this? I almost feel like it was pre planned that they wanted something to happen on the walk back to mine as id linked arms with one of them (his oh isn’t my friend) and then remember walking ahead of them for a good few minutes. Both have denied it to my now ex oh and the one has said he fell asleep and the other one told ex oh that he left after 25 minutes. I have told my oh the truth eventually as I was initially trying to protect my female friend from finding out about what happened. I know I’m in the wrong completely but I can’t cope with my break up. I feel suicidal and took some tablets the other night and even tried cutting myself and I can’t even do that properly. It feels like my world has completely shut down and I’ve lost what I genuinely thought was my soulmate. We’ve been talking about stuff but I can’t be without him, I’ve hurt him so much and I can see how upset he is. Just don’t know how to get on like this, I know it’s early days but I hate myself and I don’t know how to make it better. We were meant to be going to a wedding together this weekend and now I’m obviously not going and I just want to be with him. How can I make this better?

[MarieG10]

It is rape and clearly so legally as you were unable to consent. You will get help from the police who are well trained to support you and you will go to a specialist suite.
What I am sorry to say is it is ulikely to go anywhere...less than 1% of complaints end up with convictions

[helpmyhead]

Thank you for all your replies. I can't do anything about this I really can't. I'm struggling to just function at the moment. I'm angry that my relationship has broken down because of this. Why have they managed to walk back into their relationships and I'm now in the worst place ever? I think they just got carried away.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think they just got carried away
Bless you OP.
I can understand why you are minimising this.
But it won't help you to deal with it.
You don't have to report it but you do need some support to come to terms with it all.
Please reach out to Rape Crisis.

[pudding21]

Darling, you were raped, even if you didnt shout no you were to drunk to consent to what they had planned.

The handcuffs? Were they yours? If so how did they find them? I think this is very relevant, if they brought them with them that would imply they were planning on it. Also any chance you oculd have been drugged? Bruises still present?

Take it one day at a time with DP, his mind is probably all over the place like yours. Call rape crisis for advice and get some support. A similar thing happened to my sister years ago, she didnt deal with it at the time (didnt report it because she was drunk and actually word around town was she was "up for it"). She didnt open up and tell anyone, used drink as a support and is now an alcoholic (she has had a lot of therapy but not early on). Dont ignore this.

[ChangedMyNameYetAgain]

Hi OP. not RTFT.
I was sexually assaulted. I foolishly allowed a man to come into my flat after a few drinks. We drank more and he tried to get me to have sex with him. I said no but he tried to rape me.
I tried and tried to scream but no sound came out.
Fortunately, I managed to push him off.

That you did not scream does not mean anything.

[MMadness]

You cannot imply consent if you can barely speak. By protecting them you're conveying guilt to your ex oh. Maybe not deliberately. But I guarantee that's how he feels.

These people are not your friends. Stop drinking and act. This was not your fault.

[AnotherOneBitesTheDust]

I'll probably get flamed for this, but I dont 100% agree with what everyone else is saying. I appreciate that if yes u were too drunk to consent that constitutes rape. But we are in a culture where 'rape' is thrown around a lot and far too easily in the wrong circumstances.The OP took two men back to her house and had more drinks at her house knowing that she was already close to, if not over,her own personal limit. At what stage is someone 'too drunk' to consent? Is that their responsibility to determine? The OP hasnt indicated that her drink was spiked at any point. If someone is passed out from drinking too much and someone has sex with them then of course that is rape, it is clear, but the lines are blurred here. That is in no way saying that you 'deserved' what happened at all. A woman should be free to drink with who she wants to whatever extent without it resulting in what has happened to the OP if she didnt consent. The OP was of sound enough mind to drink more alcohol when she got home, she wasnt carried in unconscious so she had the ability to consent at that stage, maybe she consented to sex, maybe she made the first move herself. More context is needed though. I'm not for a moment accusing the OP, and I appreciate it is very traumatic, but it is also unfair to paint the men as some sort of sexual predators when noone knows what happened that night. They had all been drinking, having fun together, the OP could have been feeling down about her relationship and wanted something to go further with one of the men, but just cant remember the day after what had happened and maybe guilt kicked in because it resulted in the end of a relationship. Or the men planned this and targeted the OP which of course is disgusting if that is the case. Whatever happened though I hope you get the help you need and if you truly believe this is something you didnt consent or were indeed at the stage where u were too drunk to be aware then it does need reporting not only for yourself but to protect other women from the same men.

[Doyoumind]

Another OP said no to start off with and yet the men carried on. The men knew what they were doing. They removed her clothes and got handcuffs. They were with it enough to do that and it must have been clear that OP was in no fit state. Don't make excuses for them.

[Dazedandconfusedmostdays]

You were raped, contact the police for advice.

[minmooch]

I tho Khoi have two issues going on

1. Your relationship with your dp
2. Events of the other night

It sounds to me that your relationship with dp was possibly coming to a natural end. 9 months in and already problems for the last 3 months. I think you may have to accept that this relationship probably wouldn't have lasted anyway whatever.

The events from the other night. It would seem you were in no position to consent to sex. But with little memory it's hard to know what really happened (no judgement there). I think you need professional help to see whether there is a case to proceed with and counselling to help you make sense of it all.

[Gemma1971]

It sounds all very mixed up and complicated but one thing REALLY struck me. Handcuffs... and bruises???

Who do the handcuffs belong to????

That badly bruised? Really not normal for consensual sex, really not normal... whether you wanted to at the time and were up for it or not, this is just a horrible mess and really awful. I think if you just regretted having sex with another man or men, you would be posting something VERY different.

It sounds like rape. Ring one of the rape lines for advice/better still, get yourself to the police and ask to speak to a female officer who deals with rape cases. Don't leave it any longer. They can take photos of the bruising for evidence.

[AnotherOneBitesTheDust]

I'm not making excuses by any stretch. The OP said that she told the men it wasnt a good idea, without knowing the context in which this was said we cannot say what the OP meant by that at the time. I am in no way minimising but it is just not clear, the OP may have meant that taking the relationship further was not a good idea. The OP said she didnt say no. That is beside the point anyway as just because she didnt say no doesnt mean she consented, but it is not as clear cut that if u wake up after a night of drinking with bruises and you've had sex that the men in your company are rapists. I am not defending the men by any means at all. I unfortunately have personal experience of rape and if that is what has happened here and what the OP believes has happened then the OP needs to report this to the police and get the help she needs to support her through this, but on the other hand there are two men that are also involved and it is not fair to label them rapists without knowing all the facts. It's not a term to be used lightly. The OP said the men went upstairs to get handcuffs. Were they the OPs own handcuffs? Or dod the men take them along and have them hidden somewhere? Did the OP ask for them and tell the men where to look for them? Or had the OPs things been rummaged through and they were found by chance? There are a lot of questions unanswered, but I do hope you get the help you need OP.

[gustofwind]

Please, please report this OP. Please.

These men shouldn't be able to think this is OK. That's because is ISN'T OK.

[helpmyhead]

I'll reply to everyone later as I'm out but these are the bruises. I've previously been into rough sex admittedly only with my oh but never had this but I do
bruise easily tho.

[helpmyhead]

Don't have of the ones on my tummy and hips tho

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

I think you need to get an sti check if they didn't use condoms and also m.a.p if it's not too late for it.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Sorry I've just seen it was a week ago,you'll still need sti check though.Im really sorry this happened to you.

[AnotherOneBitesTheDust]

That's pretty horrendous. Is there a possibility your oh discussed that with them as he knows them well doesnt he? Even in a 'Male banter' kind of way and they took it upon themselves to act on it?

[helpmyhead]

The group of friends we have throw a lot of banter around anyway. Some of it sexual but that's just how it is. The age range is quite wide early twenties to late fourties. The two blokes in question are 24 and 43, I'm 34 and my oh is 46. I don't think oh would have done anything like that although before we actually got together and were just having sex/friends last year he suggested a threesome with another woman. However I decided not to go through with it the day before. I don't think that means anything though. He likes his private life to remain private. We've had many arguments where he's sent me home because he's got these trust issues and thought I was drunk and I've left and he's followed me back to make sure I'm ok. I remember when we first walked into my house the older one asked me where my sex toys were, I just laughed Nd said what the fuck, upstairs in my drawers never thinking that they'd go up there. Because of the kind of banter we all have I thought they were just taking the piss as usual. That's where the handcuffs came from. I could speak though I think I was just drunk and the situation felt really surreal, like is this really happening? You know when you've had too much and you just kinda zone out? I just can't get my head around it all. I can't say this is rape thats why I can't do anything about it. I think something that's also got to me too is the fact that my oh wants me to report it but then hasn't really 'stood by me' as such if that makes sense! He even asked me last night was I sure it wasn't a random? It's a completely fucked up situation.

[helpmyhead]

I wish they'd just taken me home and then got a taxi, why did I say to come and have a drink?!

[Gemma1971]

Sorry OP, your OH, ex or whatever he is,... it sounds like he has discussed your sex life with them...

As for not backing you up, I think that also says a lot about him.... you weren't with him for long and people take time to unfold.

I still think you should talk to a rape specialist at the police.

[Gemma1971]

Those bruises are definitely serious. Please report it.

Drunk or not... them, you or anyone.. those bruises suggest violence. Violent sex.

And you may well have forgotten other stuff. Like trying to fight them off.

You were pinned down heavily from the look of it.

Get to the police, please. This is horrendous.

I'd also advise not associating with that group of people from herein onwards. And watching your alcohol intake while you are out.

Whether we like it or not, when pissed as farts, we are vulnerable to anything happening. Man or woman. And you can't remember clearly. And I wonder had you been sober, would this have happened? Reflect on that. Would you WANT sex with these two men? If not, there's at least part of your answer.

[helpmyhead]

I'd never in a million years have risked my relationship, no way. Yes it's been up and down at times but we do love each other.

[pudding21]

I bruise easily OP, I have never had bruises like that from consensual (even if a bit rough) sex. Please call rape crisis to guide you thorugh it and tell you what to do. You might have also been spiked, the way you say it felt surreal etc, might not be just alcohol.

You don't have to go through with a convinction, at this stage you can just talk through your options.

[helpmyhead]

Definitely would have been no drugs involved or spiking taken place. I'm angry with what's happened but they are not the kind of people to have done that. I was in metronidazole all week tho so I do t know if they interfere with alcohol? Tho I think that is penicillin...