My wife says no sex ?

[Confusedhubby30]

Be gentle as this is my first time doing this !

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for nearly 5, we have a little boy 2 years.

She has some problems that make sex uncomfortable and I have always been supportive for her. We have gone 2 years without sex and no sexual contact on both sides before baby was born, she managed to have sex with me to conceive, now baby is here and we havnt had sex since, I do try and I always get shot down. Now she has said she has no interest in it and sex is the last thing on her mind ? Is this normal? Sorry for dodgy spelling my English isn't so good.

I think if I shot a baby out of my downstairs I'd never want sex again either xD

But I think after two years she should at least want to discuss... other things that can be done maybe? I mean not to be crass but a hand job every so often shouldn't be a big ask.

Does she stay home with the kid all day? Could depression be an issue?

I think an unwillingness to discuss things is the problem. But getting to the route of it might require a professional opinion/help of some sort.

Hi, OP.

You seem to be very supportive of your wife so you're doing all the right things.

Does your wife have any medical problems or a background of sexual abuse which might cause sex to be uncomfortable for her? However, some people also genuinely have little to no interest in sex.

I think it is normal for sex to dip a lot after a baby, and really i‘d advise patience and gradually supporting a woman to get her sense of self back (which often means picking up slack so that she can do pre baby things and relax and generally recuperate).

For me, it is now that my kids are at school that things feel much more like they were before and I think that‘s common. Your hormones, body, identity all take such a bashing after children (well mine did anyway). It’s hard to describe. You also have little ones touching you all day and can want a break from touch as well.

However....I think ‚no sex‘ is quite extreme and you have a right to a gentle conversation about that - about the baby steps you might take towards some sort of sexual reconnection (and the things your wife needs to support that, whether that’s non sexual romance or time away from Housework). You need a vision of the future where you are in a sexual relationship . Are you able to talk in a non pressured way about that stuff?

Thank you for your responses !

She does look after baby during the day but when I get home from work I'm always encouraging her to go to classes and have baths to relax, I help out where possible with the housework.

She doesn't seem to be interested at all in any sexual acts giving or receiving.

I have tried talking to her and explaining that I'm unhappy and need to talk about it minimum just to know we can eventually get back to it and she responded with "it's the last thing on my mind, I don't want sex any time soon" I do understand sometimes we need a little time to ourselves and I love her so even if she denied me for the next 5 years I would probably put up with it (not amazingly happy but will get by) I'm just concerned that it may never get better.

She's completely lost all sexual desire for you, and this happened before the baby was born. Look at the timeline here:

"We have gone 2 years without sex and no sexual contact on both sides before baby was born"

So baby is two, add 9 months for baby to be born, add two years for sexless period before conception. That's almost 5 years. Almost the entire period of your marriage has been sexless. I bet even before you married your sex life had been very poor. She may have physical problems, but if she still had any desire for sex with she would have tried to deal with them and would discuss them with you. You may have to start considering divorce.

Has she actually had medical treatment for her physical problems that make sex uncomfortable for her? Encourage her to get to her doctor again. Wine and dine her. Pitney the romance back into the relationship. You need to build on quality time together outside of the bedroom to encourage intimacy in the bedroom.

A few questions/thoughts. I wouldn't recommend you respond to them on a public forum but maybe to consider at least.

How was her birth? How happy is she with how she's recovered from pregnancy and birth- i.e. is she feeling self conscious about how her body has changed and perhaps isn't feeling herself? Was sex always uncomfortable for her or is this a post birth thing?

Does she breastfeed? This can impact on libido.

Do you have time to do things together, just the two of you? Being grown ups, going on dates, having fun and staying connected with each other?

Will she talk about this with you openly and honestly so she can try to explain what has changed? Would she consider counselling?

**put the romance
Sorry my predictive text is awful!

Whenever my sex-drive has dipped it’s because I’ve felt rubbish about myself. Book her a hairdressers appointment and a massage, then give her some money to buy clothes so she feels pretty again. I’ll probably get shot down for being shallow but in my experience when women don’t want sex it’s because they feel rubbish, often about their bodies.
You sound very sweet OP, she’ll be glad she’s got a supportive husband.

If it’s uncomfortable for her, why the hell would she want to do it??

Would you want to do something that’s uncomfortable? There no fun in that for her, clearly.

You need to talk to her openly about how she feels about it. I’m sure she feels a huge amount of pressure knowing that you really want to, and she can’t do it with out discomfort.

Is her condition one that can be helped by going to see a Doctor? Is this something she would be willing to do?

You need to talk to her.

Like I said, reading between the lines her sex drive, for her husband at least, hasn't just dipped, its died completely. And it died over 5 years ago, before they got married. Perhaps she hoped getting married would revive it? It doesn't work like that of course. I don't think there's much hope here, given how she doesn't even want to discuss it.

Please ask yourself this OP. If sex had always or for a long time been uncomfortable for you, how enthusiastic would you be about it?

I went through a period of several years where sex was painful. Prior to this I’d been very keen (more so than DH) but when the pain started I lost all interest, unsurprisingly. And after a long period of not wanting sex due to pain, I think I just got out of the habit of thinking about it at all. I imagine your wife is similar, and having a small child, broken sleep and physical demands from the child doesn’t help.

Has she sought medical treatment for the discomfort? If so what happened?

I think pp are being too kind to your wife. It's nothing to do with the pregnancy, birth or motherhood because you didn't have sex for two years before the birth. Either she doesn't want sex, or she doesn't want sex with you. Either way, you've been patient for long enough. She has had five years to seek help - whether she needs medical help or counselling - and doesn't want to. Unless you're happy living the rest of your life without sex I'd have one last conversation and make plans to separate.

I don't think it is fair that your wife is unwilling to understand your concerns and unhappiness.

Did she have much sexual experience prior to marriage?

I think itsmecathycomehome makes some uncomfortable but valid points in a very kind way.

Other than when TTC, the sexual side of this relationship died a while ago.

It sounds like a tough situation for you both but there's perhaps some bigger questions to reflect on.

Of course there are many problems that can make vaginal sex difficult, very painful even. However if she still loved him she'd seek treatment, discuss the treatment, and if that didn't work be happy to engage in alternatives. I'm guessing here, but it seems that isn't the case. "No sexual contact" at all two years before conception? And bluntly telling him she has no interest in sex?

The last few posts assume she hasn’t sought medical help. But what if she has sought medical advice but it turns out her problem is not curable? OP hasn’t given this information, I think?

She has some problems that make sex uncomfortable

I think this is the main point here!! This is what needs to be addressed before anyone should be blaming this lady.

Does sex make her feel physically uncomfortable, mentally uncomfortable or both?

It doesn’t sound like a good situation to be in for her.

OP is she worried about getting pregnant again? I only ask because I definitely don’t want to get pregnant again and it really put me off sex for a time until I had a chance to research contraception and get that sorted.

Like I said, reading between the lines her sex drive, for her husband at least, hasn't just dipped, its died completely. And it died over 5 years ago, before they got married.

^This. She hasn’t done anything to resolve the issue so unless you want to live without sex for the rest of your life you need to leave her.

So basically, she only willingly had sex with you suring your marriage to conceive the baby shewanted, and now she expects you to live totally sexlessly, not just vaginal sex, but oral, or manual stimulation of any kind? That's cruel. She was happy enough to use you for a baby but now expects you to basically be a monk for the rest of your lives, thats actually kind of abusive in my book, live how she wants, not even willing to discuss.

She sounds incredibly selfish. She can manage sex when it gets her what she wants (marriage and a baby) but she doesn't care about your wants. Is the discomfort during sex genuine? Has she been to see a doctor? Even if it's real it's not a reason for stopping sexual contact altogether.

If you were a woman posting this about a man I guarantee that 95% of responses would say that he was gay or asexual (or a porn addict). And to LTB.

The lack of discussion is what I find off. There are all sorts of medical issues or wider issues but in the interest of a healthy relationship, both parties need to be able to communicate openly and honestly.
No sex for years, sex to TTC and then no sex after with no discussion and dismissing a partners feelings by shutting the conversation wouldn't leave me feeling respected and valued as a partner.

Sex is off the cards 100% for us pretty much, instead we do a weekly "deviation" as we call it.

There is a lot more to intimate play than penetrative sex, we have found a huge world to explore, limited only by our imagination.

It’s not normal for sex to be “uncomfortable” (translation = painful). I don’t think she should have to suck up the pain to keep you happy. I don’t think you should have to resign yourself to a sexless marriage.

Is there a medical reason why sex is painful for her? That’s the place to start. If not, it could be a relationship issue, a psychological issue, or just one or both of you being ignorant about what would work for her. Counselling would help to unravel that though I appreciate that would be very difficult to open up to. Maybe some serious reading, but proper research not click bait internet articles.

If it is an unresolvable medical issue, then there are other ways to give each other sexual pleasure than PIV.