Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What age is the least worst time for a child’s parents to divorce?

58 replies

Beetroot79 · 09/09/2019 22:26

I have two young children aged 4 and 6. I don’t think that my husband and I will grow old together. My own parents divorced when I was 10. What’s the best age to do it? When they go to uni?

I should add that we appear to have a totally normal, happy relationship in front of them.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 09/09/2019 22:45

My parents divorced when I was 23 and I'd recently married. This has an enormous negative effect on me. My siblings were 16 and 17 and were pretty much untouched by it.

Children are very resilient and the younger they are, the easier they accept the changes created by a divorce. If you are planning on divorcing, I'd suggest you do it sooner rather than later. Don't waste your life being married to someone you don't want to be with just because you have kids.

gamerchick · 09/09/2019 22:48

The younger the better.

Pippioddstocking · 09/09/2019 22:48

I waited until mine were teenagers, it's been awful and has caused so many issues , the worst being anxiety and low self esteem from them ( despite continued efforts to show them how wonderful they are )
If I'd had my time again I'd have done it much sooner.
Like you, I knew it was inevitable .
Good luck

Griefmonster · 09/09/2019 22:50

Its not the age that matters, it's the way you both conduct yourselves before, during and after. Assuming no DV, treat each other with respect and care and put children at the centre of the decisions you make about contact and assets etc. Be kind and loving and they will manage at any age. Be dicks, and they will be damaged at any age.

Youngandfree · 09/09/2019 22:52

Well I’m 34 and my parents are currently divorcing!! Not fun AT ALL!! Never a good age really 😢

rvby · 09/09/2019 22:52

Younger the better. But agree that it's how the split is managed that's most important.

Passtherioja · 09/09/2019 22:53

If you're sure it's over then the younger the better. Children are very resilient-if you keep everything level and calm for the children they'll be fine.

thebakerwithboobs · 09/09/2019 22:53

I have divorced parents and spent many years as a teacher and head teacher (until Gove came along but that's another thread). I honestly believe that it's not divorce that affects children, it's the parents' behaviour during and after that divorce that make the difference. You have been able to have an amicable relationship in front of your children now, even though you don't want to be married. If you can retain that, divorce should cause little damage. Treat each other with respect and kindness, role model those things for your children and talk to them. Listen to them, hear their concerns, make it safe for them. Parents who are nasty to and about each other do so much damage because if Daddy is a horrible person (for example) and they are, themselves, half Daddy, does that make them horrible too?

However and whenever you do it, role model good behaviours...however gut wrenchingly difficult that may be.

katewhinesalot · 09/09/2019 22:53

Before three, but as soon as possible around that age I think.

Brakebackcyclebot · 09/09/2019 22:55

You need to do what us right for you and then divorce with dignity and kindness if possible.

I work in this field and my experience is that if you wait until your DCs leave home, they may question their whole childhood and whether it was all a lie.

Rtmhwales · 09/09/2019 22:57

The younger the better. My mum and dad divorced when I was six and my brother five. Neither of us were scarred by it. Hardly remember them together. My aunt and uncle divorced when my cousins were 12, 14 and 15. All were troubled by it.

OllyBJolly · 09/09/2019 22:58

DCs were 6 months and 2.5. They can't remember us ever being together. DC1 was distraught when he left but seemed to accept it. it was pretty tough on me though!

It probably helped that OW turned out to be a fantastic stepmum and DCs both still in touch with her although their DF is now on DW no. 3.

My own DPs separated aged 60 and 72 and that was traumatic all round! Completely split the family of 5 siblings.

Original poster
Beetroot79 · 09/09/2019 22:58

Thank you. I felt like I had a window of opportunity last year but I let it pass and now I feel trapped and don’t want to hurt the children.

I’m so used to having divorced parents. I can’t imagine it would have bothered me if they split when I was an adult. Can PPs elaborate please?

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 09/09/2019 22:58

Younger the better. My youngest was 5 when I divorced and he was least affected )I realise that this is just an anecdote) In my experience teens are far less accepting of new partners than 4-6 year olds too.

Divorcing after they go to uni will make them feel guilty that you stayed in an unhappy marriage for them.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/09/2019 22:59

I was 9 I think and was absolutely fine. If anything I was happy it happened and am still relieved at 28.

And it couldn't have been a worse divorce at the start.

SausageSimon · 09/09/2019 23:01

Don't wait until they're older, do it ASAP

lifeinthedeep · 09/09/2019 23:02

Mine divorced when I was 3. It only affected me because my dad re-married when I was 5 and all but dropped contact (I was a massive daddy’s girl- it still hurts).

Summersunshine2 · 09/09/2019 23:07

Definitely the younger the better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2019 23:08

I was 13. I was hugely relieved and they get on much better as friends - we often all spend Christmas together these days - but the change was easiest for my sister who was much younger so I agree with everyone else to do it while they’re young and that the manner of the split makes the biggest difference.

Sorry things are hard for you Flowers

Summersunshine2 · 09/09/2019 23:09

Sorry meant to add my DS was 2.5 and is now 14. We have spoken about it occasionally and he is very much of the opinion that's it's a normal way of life for him and its weird to think of us together!

jackstini · 09/09/2019 23:18

As soon as you are sure

My parents divorced when we were 21 & 23, between our first weddings

We knew they had been on the verge of splitting up since the ages on 7 & 9

They are much happier people apart and with new partners - we all could have had that much sooner and missed the arguments and side taking.
They tried really hard not to involve or upset us and it wasn't often, but we still remember

Sorry you are going through this Thanks

Whattodowith · 09/09/2019 23:20

My parents separated when I was a baby so I never knew any different. I don’t think it had a catastrophic effect on my life.

Conversely my DH’s parent divorced when he was 18 and that did screw him up. They’d both decided to stay together until their DC left school figuring it was for the best, it was not.

31RueCambon75001 · 09/09/2019 23:24

the younger the better.

Youngandfree · 09/09/2019 23:26

if you wait until your DCs leave home, they may question their whole childhood and whether it was all a lie

This!!!exactly how I feel OP I am grieving for the family I thought I had, I was so close to my parents that I feel like my whole world has shattered. It’s harder to reform a thought process or a way of life after 34 years. Sad

Numberwang2019 · 10/09/2019 04:42

The younger the better however also as smoothly and amicably as possible - both parents being positive about the other and equal custody. However also there need to be clear boundaries that the parents are separate. They’ll soon adjust to having 2 homes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread