What age is the least worst time for a child’s parents to divorce?

[Beetroot79]

I have two young children aged 4 and 6. I don’t think that my husband and I will grow old together. My own parents divorced when I was 10. What’s the best age to do it? When they go to uni?

I should add that we appear to have a totally normal, happy relationship in front of them.

Just to agree with previous posters and add my own experience - parents divorced when I was 13 which probably would’ve been ok if they both hadn’t decided to act like a textbook of How Not to Behave - DM’s new boyfriend moved in pretty much straight away, DF understandably bitter and resentful, parents slagging each other off so you felt like you had to choose a ‘side’... all after what I thought had been a really stable childhood.
So yeah - how you both deal with it has way more impact than simply splitting up.

Children are resilient and they will adapt whatever their norm is. I honestly couldn't imagine my parents together, I can't remember them together. But then my god children can't imagine their parents together now either and they were 12, 10 and 6 when their parents split 10 years ago, they are happier than they were when their parents were together.

What matters is how you do it how amicable you are, at least in front of the kids. Handling it positively, age appriote conversations about what's going on, making sure they feel loved.

And also tbh if your not happy and your sure it's over get the hell out. Please don't stick in an unhappy marriage "for the children" your children will know your unhappy, it will concern them. The resentment and anger will grow between you and your husband and it will lead to a messy divorce.

As for why it's harder as adults, if you base your whole life on the thing you think is secure and safe, the thing thats consistent, your parents being together and then suddenly they divorce, everything you thought was normal is brought in to question.

As we've all said and implied children are resilient, they'll base their norm on mum and dad not being together. They are much more able to do this than teens or adults

Ex and I divorced when DS was 10 months old so it's had no effect on him as it's all he's ever known. It helps that we are friendly and co parent well.

I think what can be more damaging to children is when parents are openly hostile during the divorce.

I am 38. My parents' divorce is just being finalised after dragging for 7 years. It was hugely traumatic for me.
I wish they had divorced when I was a teenager (when things started to be really bad between them).

If a divorce is what you want, please do not wait until they are older. This is like telling them "I am staying in an unhappy marriage because of you".

I was about 8, brother about 5 and we were both fine and neither of us have any long lasting effects from it. My auntie and uncle divorced when our cousins were all between 17 - 26 and it affected all of them really badly because they're old enough to know whose done what, see all the arguements and be dragged into the middle of it all. Three years on all four kids have strained relationships with their parents and are still constantly stuck in the middle of their battles because they're adults and their parents now lean on them, whereas when you're a kid your parent wouldn't tell you oh dad did this, mum said that - you're a lot more sheltered from it as a child. Similarly, my husbands parents split when he was about 18 and he too was caught in the middle of the grief and knew all the details of it.

Basically younger the better because the less the kids know the better.

I would say under three, I separated from my husband shortly after my DS turned 3, he doesn't remember us living together.
That said we have an exceptionally good relationship, we live two streets away from each other, often meet for breakfast at the cafe before school, and are pretty active socially as two repartnered couples with him. We have dinner together maybe once a month and all attend his sporting events etc.

My Sil, separated from her husband when their daughter was four, they have an ok relationship but the daughter is very anxious and not coping. This may have been who she was always going to be but she is now six and suffers with separation anxiety.

So you get the better and keep up some semblance of family life as much as possible. Remember that it's the adults who have separated not the child.

DD was 8 and we divorced very amicably. By 8 months post split she seemed to have totally got over it. She certainly seems a lot happier (me, ex and both extended families have commented on it). She says she is happy. She says she doesn't want us to get back together.

The younger the better. My DM had an affair and walked out in the middle of my Highers (Scottish equivalent to A levels). Worst. time. ever. Especially as she then regaled me about how she had been miserable since we were tiny and only stuck it out for our sake - which was utter crap, I would far rather she had left when I was a toddler than fuck up my adolescence and exams.

If you know your marriage ending is inevitable, then the sooner you end it the better.

For god's sake don't wait if you're unhappy Children adapt and I'm sure they would much rather have two happy parents who live apart. My daughter was 7 and she was upset initially but she got over it. You only get one life - don't waste it.

Before they will be aware of the issues that will inevitably come up during divorce. So the younger the better.

I foolishly waited until the kids were grown up. What a mistake that was. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was wrong. With hindsight I'd have done it years and years ago.

We waited until ours were a bit older so 11 & 12. On the whole they have been absolutely fine, Dd has had her moments with her Dad but that's more about him than the divorce. Dd now 16 said recently how much stronger the experience has made her & that she's really happy with the way we live now.

Younger the better. I was 4 - I don't remember them being together. DB and DSis were 7 & 8. They took it really hard and it changed them completely.

I can’t imagine it would have bothered me if they split when I was an adult. Can PPs elaborate please?

I guess they feel like I was living a lie, and I was to an extent. I think it rocked their sense of trust in me, if I could lie about that what else could I lie about.

Similar to YoungandFree . My parents' first round of 'almost divorce' was during my A-levels. Their second round was during my end-of-first-year uni exams. They finally divorced three months after my wedding, I was 35.

It's been 9 years and whereas my DF has blossomed, (controlling mother), my DM has just got more and more bitter, has done the whole "I only celebrated Xmas for you children", has shat on every childhood memory (which was Swallows and Amazon's idyllic) and gaslighted her ass off. My relationship with her, and by extension my Dsis, who is her flying monkey, is hideously toxic.

Your DC are little, divorce the sooner the better. Sorry you are going through this

As early as possible. But totally agree about being civil and kind to each other as far as you can. That is more important.

If you were going to enact any other large change in their life for, say, a career reason - e.g. House move, change in lifestyle, move from/to SAHP/after school clubs you would not let the fact that they will be upset by it prevent you from doing the thing. You would decide based on what you felt was the best decision for all involved and you'd deal with their temporary, normal, healthy upset about a situation changing without (much) guilt because you would recognise that you're making a decision which is overall an improvement. Likewise when DC2 was born, that probably upset DC1 for a while but long term it was the right thing to do.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that divorce is different because you should have tried harder to hold the relationship together or the lie that a two parent family is the only beneficial kind of family.

As early as possible ime. Your children will be much better off now, than if you wait 14 years.

And the longer you drag it out, the more they will think that your relationship is normal, no matter how normal you think it is - it can't be if you are thinking of divorcing. Don't you want them to see a lovely happy relationship instead of one where you are both just ticking along?

And my DCs friends who have friends who are in your children's position, all know that their parents are just biding their time. Why do it? Life is too short.

Mine was 5 and whilst she was upset, over time she has been fine and we have managed to stay relatively friendly and comparent well.

Not getting divorced can be equally traumatic and damaging for kids. My mum and dad hated each other. Rowed all the time and I grew up in a house of hostility and resentment. It has scarred my whole adult life and affected my ability to have loving relationships. Intimacy is very hard for me as I never saw any. My norm was silences, sniping and arguing followed by more silences. They never did split up and my mum is now the most bitter person die to a completely wasted and unfulfilled life.

Co parent and due not die!!

I left my EA ex when my youngest was 5 and oldest was 8. It hit the older one harder, but that might just be personality type as he is more sensitive to change. He is hitting puberty now, and I think it would have been 100% worse if I'd have left it until now.

I would say its easier for the kids to adapt when they are younger. Iknew my parents went through hard times when I was a teenager and I adore both parents but neither were around for us that much when me and my siblings hit teenage years as they were so preoccupied with their bad marriage. They didn't split up, they have done recently after 44 years of marriage and its not been easy to deal with!

If its bad enough to leave though, you should do it anyway as I think staying together for the kids is much worse.

My parents separated when I was 3 or 4 (then had my brother) and divorced when I was around 5. I remember going to my grandma and grandads the day they went to court but I honestly can’t remember anything else about it.

I have never really known my parents together as a couple so I haven’t ever felt any loss at them not being together really. In fact it’s much more difficult to imagine the life i’d have had if they had stayed together.

I don't generally know what is the best but my dc's were 1.5 and 3.5 (when we separated and ex h moved out anyway) and both so far have been relatively unaffected, we maintain a good relationship in front of them and try to be as kind and caring to each other as possible despite difficulties, we spent time together with dcs, they both love going to his house, there's obviously no telling how things will play out in the future

Depends. Don’t see why everyone says younger the better. Depends on finances (if it’s going to make extreme poverty might not be better? Depends if the kids like their new step parents? Depends if kids like living in 2 houses? Not all roses whichever way.

My grandparents split a few years after my dad went off to uni. He jokes they didn't stay together for the kids, but rather the dog. When the dog died, they started divorce proceedings almost immediately. I don't think he ever had a sense they were happy.

My folks are still together, but a few models:
DH parents split when he went off to uni. Apparently MIL had chats with SIL about plans to do so, but they actively waited until he was gone. Awkward part? DH wasn't the youngest. There still was another sibling who the parents didn't both sticking it out for...which was uncomfortable for everyone. Things drew out for yeeeeeaaaars (only actually finished when FIL wanted to remarry) and DH lives by "Divorce makes children of parents and parents of children."

On a more scarring level, a guy friend of mine was shocked at age 23 when his parents (happy to the best of his understanding) announced they were getting divorced. I knew him before and after the divorce and I've got to say it's shaken his sense of relationships. I'm not saying it's to blame for his inability to hold down a girlfriend (that's definitely his job) but I don't think it helped.

Be honest with your kids about the stuff that matters. Otherwise it will shake their sense of trust with you. I know folks who have had issues and because of logistics weren't able to separate properly. If you talk about it honestly with your kids, that's more helpful.

Outing myself as an american here, but Fred Rogers had some amazing resources about handling such things with kids.

www.fredrogers.org/parents/special-challenges/divorce.php