Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend’s husband made a pass at me

55 replies

Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 17:40

I have a lovely friend who I’ve known for a couple of years now. We met because our DC are friends. I’m single, she’s married. I’ve always got on with her husband just fine, but mostly my friend and I do stuff together with the DC without him. On the occasions when he’s joined us it’s been good too. He’s pleasant enough company and is very kind towards my DC.

Last night our DC were having a sleepover. I had a few glasses of wine with my friend. Her husband was out with a couple of his mates. It got late and she suggested I stay over too. They have a spare room and I’ve stopped over before.

Friend’s husband came home and joined us for a couple of drinks. By this time DC were asleep. The three of us were chatting, having a really entertaining conversation, laughing. It was a really nice evening. Then my friend went to make up the spare bed. I offered to help but she declined. And while she was gone the husband got hold of my hand and started stroking my thigh. I moved away and asked him what the hell he was doing. At which point he said he wanted to kiss me.

We were a bit tipsy and I was so shocked that at the time I think I put it down to that. I sort of laughed and moved completely away from him by standing up and walking across the room. I told him not to be so daft and said he’d definitely had too much to drink and that I’d make some tea.

My friend came back while I was making the tea. We drank it. The conversation was normal and then I went to bed in the spare room.

Woke up before they did this morning but DC were already awake so I left a thank you note and we left.

Friend and I have exchanged a few texts today, normal chatty stuff, but I feel so appalled and upset and worried about what happened. I don’t know what to do. Ignore it completely? Tell friend? Either way I feel like this will end our friendship and that makes me sad. Also, so sad for my friend that her husband behaved like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 17:45

Sorry, that was long. Not really sure what, if anything, I’m asking. Feeling really crap and don’t know how to react or what to do.

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 03/08/2019 17:49

I think put it down to the drink and forget it. No good will come from you telling your friend. Just try and keep the things you guys do to being without her husband there if there is alcohol involved.

Surfingtheweb · 03/08/2019 17:49

Ps don't feel crap, you didn't do anything wrong & it's not your marriage to fix and worry about.

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 17:52

I'm afraid I think you're going to have to tell her, if only to gain some control over the narrative. Otherwise, he may attempt to preempt any "trouble" by telling her that you came on to him. If you tried to tell people what happened at that point, the refrain will be "well, why didn't you say anything?", which is unfair, but how it is.

I'm so sorry, OP. Shit men like this are exactly why being an older (i.e. with young kids) single woman is more socially difficult.

Beamur · 03/08/2019 17:52

What a creep.
I'd see your friend away from her husband in future. It does beg the question about how faithful he is overall as this was very risky behaviour on his part.
Puts you into a very uncomfortable position though.

Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 17:59

Hi surfing. That’s pretty much the conclusion I’d come to. Pretend it didn’t happen and then avoid him.

I see your point, PicsInRed. That possibility has occurred to me. Hence worrying most of the day about what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 18:02

Beamer - that’s the other thing that’s been bothering me. If he’s brazen enough to make a pass while she’s just upstairs what is he like when she’s not around?

He must have known I was going to say wtf and be shocked. His wife and our DC were in the house for god’s sake!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 18:03

Sorry, Beamur - phone corrected my spelling.

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 03/08/2019 18:07

This is a no-win situation for you.

I'd put it down to a moment of drunken madness and pretend it didn't happen - while avoiding him as much as possible in the future.

Sorry OP, what a crap position he's put you in Angry

PumpkinP · 03/08/2019 18:11

I think it’s a tricky one as he may tell her you came on to him to get in there first. Sorry I don’t know what to advise.

Evilmorty · 03/08/2019 18:14

Oh OP, what a bastard. I’ve had this happen to me twice and both times the guys turned on me and told my friends that I had come on to them and so they shouldn’t see me anymore. And they both believed them!

I really would avoid him completely from now on.

PumpkinP · 03/08/2019 18:16

I think sometimes the women believe them as it’s easier to believe the single female came onto their poor innocent husband Hmm

Surfingtheweb · 03/08/2019 18:17

He won't say anything. Men don't do that. He might start to say crap about you & try to get her to spend less time with you. If you want to avoid that then you need to speak to him and say you assume the other night was just a drunk thing all haha like, let's move on and forget it.

Atlasta · 03/08/2019 18:18

There is a chance he may not remember what he's done and an equal chance he is absolutely mortified and stressing about it which would worry me in case he does as pp's have said and tries to get in there first pretending you came on to him.
My advice would be to say nothing and make sure your paths don't cross.

Surfingtheweb · 03/08/2019 18:18

& if she does distance herself from you then seriously who cares, life is full of friends that come and go, she's not your family and is a fairly new friend. Don't lose sleep or happiness over this.

BogglesGoggles · 03/08/2019 18:18

If a friend came and told me that that wouldn’t be an issue for me. I would appreciate the honesty, always better to know. I certainly wouldn’t end a friendship over something like that.

Levatrice · 03/08/2019 18:20

I wouldn’t say anything ; he might not even remember therefore no risk of him Pre blaming you ( which I do agree most of them would ) just avoid being alone with him again

AllFourOfThem · 03/08/2019 18:22

How awful. He’s probably one of those men who assumes you are single and, therefore, desperate. I’d just ignore it and do my best not to be around him again, especially when alcohol is involved.

For him to be that brazen, I suspect your friend knows or else at the very least will suspect him of infidelity as the likelihood is he tries is on with lots of women when alone with them.

Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 18:23

Thanks for the replies. Chatty texts from friend today suggest that he hasn’t said anything.

It really is a no-win situation for me, isn’t it? Sad

If I tell her it may damage her marriage. Or she’ll forgive him but our friendship will be over. And if he says something but spins it as me making a pass the friendship is also over. Sad

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 03/08/2019 18:27

I’d tell her the truth, b’cos I’d want to know if it was my husband & id want my friend to know the truth. But they always do shoot the messenger unfortunately

Evilmorty · 03/08/2019 18:29

Well men do do that because they did to me, twice. In the second instance I had a phone call the next day, in front of his wife, my friend, asking me why I tried to give him a BJ. When I said I didnt, you asked me for one, you wanker, I could hear her agreeing with him when he said, see, I told you she’d deny it.

I was sad at the time but decided I was better away from it. And he eventually left her. I heard from mutual friends that she wishes she’d believed me then and saved herself the wasted time.

PumpkinP · 03/08/2019 18:37

I agree men definitely do it Evilmorty luckily it hasn’t happened to me but I have friends it has happened to.

Walkmehome · 03/08/2019 18:38

I would avoid him and definitely not stay over again.

Original poster
Sidhefae · 03/08/2019 18:41

Definitely won’t be staying over again.

OP posts:
CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 03/08/2019 18:51

I would probably say something but be prepared for her to either not believe me or for him to turn it on me. I say this because I once had a friend's husband try to kiss me on their actual wedding day, and I said nothing because I didn't want to be the one who ruined the occasion. They were only together for about three years, during which time he apparently tried it on with every woman who crossed his path, and my friend was left humiliated and emotionally bruised. I wish I'd said something when I had the chance, as I could have given her an inkling of what he was like and saved her some of that pain.