Friend’s husband made a pass at me

[Sidhefae]

I have a lovely friend who I’ve known for a couple of years now. We met because our DC are friends. I’m single, she’s married. I’ve always got on with her husband just fine, but mostly my friend and I do stuff together with the DC without him. On the occasions when he’s joined us it’s been good too. He’s pleasant enough company and is very kind towards my DC.

Last night our DC were having a sleepover. I had a few glasses of wine with my friend. Her husband was out with a couple of his mates. It got late and she suggested I stay over too. They have a spare room and I’ve stopped over before.

Friend’s husband came home and joined us for a couple of drinks. By this time DC were asleep. The three of us were chatting, having a really entertaining conversation, laughing. It was a really nice evening. Then my friend went to make up the spare bed. I offered to help but she declined. And while she was gone the husband got hold of my hand and started stroking my thigh. I moved away and asked him what the hell he was doing. At which point he said he wanted to kiss me.

We were a bit tipsy and I was so shocked that at the time I think I put it down to that. I sort of laughed and moved completely away from him by standing up and walking across the room. I told him not to be so daft and said he’d definitely had too much to drink and that I’d make some tea.

My friend came back while I was making the tea. We drank it. The conversation was normal and then I went to bed in the spare room.

Woke up before they did this morning but DC were already awake so I left a thank you note and we left.

Friend and I have exchanged a few texts today, normal chatty stuff, but I feel so appalled and upset and worried about what happened. I don’t know what to do. Ignore it completely? Tell friend? Either way I feel like this will end our friendship and that makes me sad. Also, so sad for my friend that her husband behaved like this.

Ignore it, avoid him & hope it doesn't happen again.
It's a horrible position you've been put in but he'll deny it, she'll be hurt, theyll stay together & you'll no doubt be seen as the problem. She might feel a kind of jealousy that's no fault of yours or hers.
He's a complete idiot for doing that. You've done nothing wrong.

Can we all ask the question why are some men such complete pieces of shite???? Seriously I'm so over seeing all this stuff on MN and the crap in my own life, why can't men just F the F off with their wondering dicks 😫

Tell her. Why should you keep his dirty little secret?

"Tell her. Why should you keep his dirty little secret?"

Because it may ruin her friendship.

Because it may ruin her dc's friendship.

Because the friend might not believe her and tell everyone she's a liar and damage her reputation.

Because it will cause a whole load of drama for the OP which she really doesn't want.

...And all this for what might be for a one-off drunken stupid mistake. 🤞

Obviously it if happens again, then that changes things. But as it stands, I'd keep my distance from him and keep quiet.

I’m Surfingtheweb - I’m with you. Why do they do this? My friend is so very lovely and I’ve always thought they had a great relationship. So why jeopardise it?

That should have started ‘hi surfing’. Not ‘I’m surfing’.

I don't know why they do this, but he is not the only one. Extremely risky doing it while his wife is upstairs.

It's possible he's abusive and tries to deliberately alienate his wifes friends and family by making passes at them. It's possible he's trying to sabotage his marriage as he wants out. It's possible he gets a thrill from taking risks. It's also possible that he's a generally decent bloke who can't handle his booze and made one stupid, terrible mistake. We don't know.

simplekindoflife - thank you; your post articulates perfectly my concerns about telling my friend.

I kind of hope he was just pissed and won’t remember.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't with regards to telling her though, OP. I honestly don't think there's a wholly right or wong answer to that - there are pros and cons whatever you choose. I would be tempted to try to forget about it, unless he a) attempted it again, or b) I heard about him doing it to someone else. Then I could be sure it was not a one off mistake and might say something.

If it was me I'd want to know.

Chippy - I don’t think from my experience with the family that he’s abusive. I’ve always felt that they were a really happy unit. Until this weekend I liked this man. He seemed innocuous and pleasant. He was kind to me and my DC and is clearly loved by his own family. I really hope it was a one-off drunken error.

If that was my friend there would be no doubt in my mind that I would tell her, I couldn’t imagine not telling my friend something like that but seeing as you’ve had small conversation since and you haven’t mentioned it it’s a bit difficult. I often wonder on here why so many choose not to tell their friends I’d think it’s the done thing. Yes she may shoot the messenger and may not believe it but at least you’ve been honest.

I would chalk it up to a drunken mistake.

That's not excusing male behaviour by the way. I know of a few people who have said things they regret/didn't mean/done something stupid after a few drinks.

No need to avoid him or act differently.

You say he was tipsy, right? When I'm tipsy, i dont try to snog one of the school dads on an evening out, even if i do think we get on well. He's an opportunist and showed no respect for his wife. Egotistical piece of shit. Not a nice guy.

What would I do, say nothing and ignore the husband. Sorry that you have been put in a shitty situation.

Agree with others who say that some married men think single woman = gagging for it. And the fact that you are their wife's friend seems to be an even greater challenge for them.

I've been there, a couple of times with friends' husbands. I'm married, not single though.

I have always just laughed it of, and made it clear it's not happening. Never told anyone else (apart from my DH), and it's never affected my friendships.

The men in question - pretty certain one has had affairs through work, assume his wife knows, but they're loaded and she's very much in control of other parts of their marriage.

The other - think it was genuinely a one off, he's been very quiet and polite with me since.

If my DH has tried it on with a friend, and been knocked back, I actually wouldn't want the hassle of knowing.

I wouldn't tell your friend , but I do think that if you get a chance in the next few weeks to speak with him ,I would say that for the sake of your friend ( his wife) you are willing to give him the benefit of being drunk, but it is not a forget and forgive by any means.
One year I was at a family new years eve, and a few people were well on their way to being drunk. Midnight struck and we all gave each other a hug and a kiss, except my bil who decided to stick his tongue down my throat !
I told my husband in the car going home , we both understood it was his drunken mistake, and didn't tell anyone. Bil has never made any mention of this.

He’s fishing. Probably doing it all the time.
Try and avoid him in the future if you can and put it out of your mind.
Very, very uncomfortable situation for you, you reacted very well. Not ideal marriage for your friend but that’s her problem and best you don’t get involved.
Unless, they were both hoping for a threesome, in which case they now know it’s not for you.

My friend's dh sent me a dick pic claiming it to be a birthday gift!!
Def didn't brighten up my day!
She wasn't a close friend so I just backed away from her.
Poor woman, I know who - and what - she has waiting for her at home.
Everyone thinks he is a lovely family man..
Bloody creep!

I don't agree with the idea of speaking to the husband, btw. Either speak to the friend or say nothing, but if you fire a warning shot across his bows, as it were, he might just panic and tell your friend that you came onto him, and you'll probably lose her anyway.

I know her friend's marriage is not the OP's problem as such, but I wouldn't be able to know something like that and keep it to myself in good conscience. I don't think I would even want to keep seeing a friend and listen to her talking happily about her husband when I knew he'd been trying to touch me up while she was upstairs in the same house. If she took it badly and I lost her friendship, well, at least I wouldn't be left feeling awkward every time I saw her. And anyway, you never know, she might believe you and be glad you didn't keep it from her.

Don't say anything to your friend, put it down to the drink and carry on as usual.

However, write yourself an email about what happened, how you felt, your response etc, send it to yourself so you have a dated record , then forget about it. Just in case he tells his wife you came onto him you've got a dated diary note to show her.

Don't say anything, just avoid.

He probably tries it on with everybody who crosses his path.

She probably wouldn't believe you.

Just caught up with the thread. Really appreciate the replies.

I haven’t told my friend what happened and as we’ve had some communications since I think it would be difficult to bring it up now. And it definitely seems like he’s not mentioned anything judging from tone of her texts.

Museumandgalleries - I like the idea of emailing myself about it so that I have a record. Thanks.

I’ll make a point of distancing myself from the husband and will absolutely make sure I’m never alone with him in future. Shouldn’t be too difficult or even too obvious. Most of the time he’s not around when friend and I do stuff together anyway.

Feeling angry about it now. How dare he do that to his wife. How dare he put me into such a shitty position.

I don't get why people do this... the chance of getting caught/you telling your friend is so high, it's risky. My mum once told me all bar one of her married friends husbands have come onto her, and married neighbours too. It's so close to home! She never had single men coming onto her. I don't get it.

Difficult as you said probably drunken mistake .
You never know might be swingers and testing the water for threesome.