Just need to get this out -feel like teenager does he like me? Am i just being an idiot?

[Justme1981]

Hi all
So this is ridiculous, but here goes.
My perception of relationships is wonky having been in an abusive/controlling relationship for 14 years. Im 7 months out of that, and getting back to being me (if that makes sense)
I ran into an ex colleague with my ds & his ds at a play centre. We clicked, exchanged phone numbers, have been messaging most days since. We met up & had a lovely day together 3 weeks ago, still messaging. He has a girlfriend, the only things hes told me are they are struggling, argue & have no family time together as she works every weekend. He rarely mentions her. They are on a uk holiday together this week, he normally messages every evening & we chat, hes said "na night" "xx" to me pretty much every night for over a month, the xx are always on a separate message, except this week, ive had a few messages but no conversations. I can't tell if we are friends or leading to more than that. Ive missed chatting to him this week. I feel conflicted as its right he works on his relationship with his ds mum but i like him too much!! Basically im an idiot & sound like a teenager!!! Just needed to get it out there! All comments welcome - i think i need to give my head a wobble!!!

He's using you.

And yes, you sound like an idiot. Don't be that woman that falls for the "she doesn't understand me" bullshit.

You'll become the other woman. I wouldn't even entertain messaging a man already in a relationship it's a road to misery. If they split up fair enough but what kind of nob flirts behind his partners back? Maybe lay your cards down, you like him but no more contact, if they split you'd be happy to hear from him. Stop it before it starts.

It took you a paragraph and a half to mention that he has a girlfriend. Couldn't be bothered to read the rest of your post tbh.

You're a idiot.

Thanks all, couldnt decide if he was just being friendly

Don’t be the OW OP. Inappropriate and disrespectful of him to discuss his relationship issues with you. Why would you want someone who would do that as a friend or boyfriend?

Suggest the Freedom Programme.

^^ what Loopytiles said

The fact that he has gone quite this week - the week he is on holiday with his gf - tells you everything. He's only texting / talking to you when she's not around so cant do it this week.

Find yourself someone who is free.

Thanks everyone, as i said couldnt tell if he was just being friendly! Appreciate the comments, i know im an idiot.

He is looking for an ego boost or an affair. Tell him the messaging isn't appropriate while he's in a relationship

If he really wanted to see you, he'd break up with his girlfriend first.

It's been 7 months - honestly I would not have been anywhere near ready to date. I would work on your boundaries, pratctise setting them and keeping them, and date yourself for at least another 12 months before even thinking about dating someone else.

Thank you @FuriousVexation that is good, constructive advice, very much appreciated

Ask yourself if you were his girlfriend, would you think it was appropriate that he was messaging another woman as much as he's messaging you? That'll give you your answer

You mention you've just got out of an abusive relationship. This isn't a coincidence.

He sounds predatorial and my guess is that he is one of those predators who possesses the ability to "smell" that vulnerability on you. He has targeted you for your (current) abusability.

Do the freedom programme, work on being comfortable with yourself, as a single person, then - and only then - think about dating again. You won't find a partner right right, you won't find love. You'll find (and have just found) predators, abuse and heartbreak. Work on you.

I have been there and didn't get out at the start when I should have and ended up nearly destroyed . I didn't get the holiday though until later . You try going on holiday and see what he is like ? He will be messaging every single day to keep you hooked. He's not just being friendly - he is looking to have you as an extra . Walk away - now!

Don't fall for that crap about the arguments etc....
You know it's all bullshit.
He's dangling the carrot and you are chasing it.
Stop doing that.
Send a message that says that you respect he has a GF and that you now need to go no contact to work on yourself.
Does he have kids with his GF.
Don't be that person.
Don't be the other woman.

As a PP said. Please do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid if you haven't already done it.
14 years in an abusive relationship means that you need to fully focus and work on you.
Womens Aid can also help you with local counsellors in your area that specialise is helping abused women.

I wasn't even abused and I was not ready to date for well over a year.
He's a distraction.
But you need to tackle what you've been through head on.
You got this.

Thank you all, im trying to build up to doing the freedom programe. It was mumsnet suggesting it & the free chapter on the bully which helped me to leave my abusive husband.

There's a great book £3.50 on kindle called mr unavailable and the fallback girl.

It's been a really good book for me personally, helping build my boundaries and understanding exactly why I should stick with them. The amount of times I identified men I've dated in that book was quite astounding

Give it a read

Thanks @lifegoes I'll have a read

It's likely he is on holiday with her having sex. Back off and don't be the OW.

His comments to you about her are cleverly designed to portray himself as the victim, poor man who is left alone with DC because his partner is out WORKING..not off enjoying herself.

Look past his personality and outward appearance and see his character. Someone who betrays his son's mum so he can get an ego boost. You were a stranger and he should have been loyal to her.

Either go nc or start asking tough questions.."it must be tough on your partner as well as she doesn't get much time off, how does she cope?" Or if he talks about arguing, say "hope you manage to communicate well, have you read any books on communication styles and what you can do to improve yours?"

I bet as soon as you start asking him to be accountable the texts will stop!!

Thanks, yes im going to back off, thanks for all the advice

So can someone just tell me ive just had these messages "me & girlf & ds are at xxx (place we met at) ... " "just thought i'd let you know :)" ive just replied to say have a lovely time, is this a back off message? Im going to anyway ...

OP, you don’t seem to be getting it. What his ‘message’ is isn’t important, and what he thinks isn’t important — he is unavailable. Why does this fact not register more with you?

Stop talking to him. No good can come of it

I'd tell him you aren't comfortable with being so friendly with someone who is in a relationship as it's inappropriate. Then block his number.

Umm isnt that like saying i cant be friends with a man? He might just be making it clear we are just friends? Everything i have messaged has been appropriate, non sexual etc