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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner's family are staring to exclude me. What shall I do?

30 replies

TeaCakes05 · 08/05/2019 22:12

Me and my partner are in a long term relationship. I have a good relationship with his family, except his Sister. She is very selfish, rude and takes advantage. Me and my partner have been together for a while now and in it for the long haul. I told my partner how I feel about her (he agrees) and said I don't want her behaviour in our home. I encouraged and put some boundaries into place to stop his Sister from taking advantage of us and treating our home like an extension of her home.
My partner and even their own Mother have spoken to her about her bad attitude and put the boundaries into place (she obviously doesn't like this) Since this happened, I've not been invited to outings or events.
Do you think my exclusion is permanent?
Is this only till everything 'settles down'?
Do you think my relationship with partner's parents has been damaged?
Any advice on dealing with difficult in laws.

Thank you for the advice

OP posts:
JuniFora · 08/05/2019 22:25

I wouldn't pay any attention to them. They raised a rude, obnoxious brat with no boundaries, they're probably toxic themselves. She didn't pick her behaviour up from the ground!

I'd put boundaries to keep them all in place. They're irrelevant. They don't have to be in your life. You're in a relationship with him, not them. No reason to be in each others space.

starbrightnight · 08/05/2019 23:14

I don't understand why you're not pleased with this outcome. You put your boundaries in place and the consequence is they've put up some boundaries of their own.

You reap what you sow, surely?

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 23:19

You were quite right to put boundaries in place. She must have been giving you serious problems, certainly if she was using hour home as an extension of hers. I suppose he problem is that DP's mother's first loyalty is to her own daughter. Do you know his dm well enough to actually talk to her about it? What does DP suggest?

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 23:21

Does your DO get invitations and if so, does he go?

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 23:21

DP

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 11/05/2019 16:21

Thank you for the reply, everyone.
I want to make it clear, I don't want to push this Sister out or hurt anyone's feelings. I just want respect, manners and to be cordial with the Sister. I accept she is who she is. So I put boundaries (regarding our home) into place so she doesn't disrespect me and my partner in our home. My partner's parents are great in most ways (just a pushover with their Daughter). I believe I'm probably the first person to let partner's Sister know her behaviour is not acceptable or normal.
I don't want my relationship with my partner's parents to suffer over this, we've always had a positive relationship.
Should I just give it time? What should I do? Its inevitable me and partner's Sister will come into contact again. How should I handle the situation?

Many thanks

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/05/2019 16:29

Honestly?
If you want to have a happy, stress free life, you will need to break up with your partner and find someone else.

I have been through the same thing, but stuck with my partner as he said all the right things...until I had his child and he had me "stuck". Then he went firmly with the family party line and my life was abjectly miserable.

Think very carefully about this. He's not putting his foot down because he agrees with them and he's just biding his time. Be very careful, the rest of your life is at stake.

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/05/2019 16:39

You've now, however justifiably, put yourself on one side and the sister on the other. Her family is always going to side with her. If she now says she doesn't want you at family gathering she is at then that's what will happen unfortunately. If you want to maintain close relations with dp's parents you will probably have to organise seeing them apart from family gatherings for a while until she gets used to the new dynamics and boundaries.

BertrandRussell · 11/05/2019 16:47

I suppose it depends on what she’s done wrong and how you dealt with it. If the family think you've been unfair, then they are going to distance themselves from you. Is it possible they think that? Can you talk to your mil about it? People have very different ideas about how and how often family members visit each other( for example.

Honeyroar · 11/05/2019 16:48

When you say you put boundaries in place, what actually got said to her? There was very little chance of her accepting it without a tantrum. She's probably said if Teacake is going I'm not, and she's more important to them as she's been at gatherings for years.. Hopefully once they realise they never see your partner because of it things wil calm down. But I can't see how it's going to ever be an easy breezy family!

SandyY2K · 11/05/2019 16:50

I encouraged and put some boundaries into place to stop his Sister from taking advantage of us and treating our home like an extension of her home.

This is where you went wrong. Your DP should have put in those boundaries. It's his sister...he should have made it clear how to treat your home.

Now you're perceived as the bad guy.

IvanaPee · 11/05/2019 16:53

What exactly did you do/say and what exactly is happening now?

BertrandRussell · 11/05/2019 17:01

“This is where you went wrong. Your DP should have put in those boundaries.” Maybe he didn’t want to?

BumbleBeee69 · 11/05/2019 17:04

Enjoy the peace and quiet OP Flowers

SandyY2K · 11/05/2019 17:21

“This is where you went wrong. Your DP should have put in those boundaries.”

Maybe he didn’t want to?

Could be true . ... maybe it wasn't such an issue for him. Either that or he didn't want to challenge his Dsis.... and now the OP is feeling the consequences.

Unless absolutely necessary, it's always better for the family member to deal with the relative causing problems.

People forgive their own family before the SIL, DIL or other inlaws.

OP .. why didn't he put the boundaries in place?

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 13/05/2019 08:43

When I spoken to my partner about his Sister's behaviour, he said everyone is used to her attitude, their parents always gave in to her tantrums for an easy life for themselves and he personally ignores her. He's not particularly close to her. I told him how I feel and that I'm not used to accepting bad behaviour, that its not normal for adults to behave this way. He spoken to his Sister about her rudeness towards us two. She she asks nicely if she needs something. She can't speak to someone like rubbish then expect a favour. Use your manners! She does not just turn up to the house with her dog without proper forewarning. Now that I've been with my partner for a while, I felt comfortable enough to say I would like this behaviour stopped. So my partner spoke to her. Apparently, the Mother spoken to her about her attitude. I don't know what was said. My partner reassured it nothing personal towards me. She's always been like this and it'll never change.

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
fedup21 · 13/05/2019 08:47

What exactly were your boundaries?

What have they excluded you from?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/05/2019 08:53

Sounds like a good outcome to me. Unless you've been excluded from something you actually wanted to do?

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 13/05/2019 09:01

Since my partner spoken to her she has done what we've asked. However, I haven't seen/spoken to her. I haven't seen my partner's parents either. My partner hasn't attended any of the events he's been invited too. But has been over for a catch up (he see's them every week). He said his parents haven't said anything about it to him.
Thank you

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 09:03

It’s absolutely to make any sort of sensible comment on a thread like this. Who knows who’s being reasonable. The OP is seeking validation and people have given it to her. So I suppose she’s got what she wants.

S1naidSucks · 13/05/2019 09:21

My partner hasn't attended any of the events he's been invited too.

Good. My husband would never have permitted his family to exclude me like that. It’s great that you’ve spoken to him and he’s laid down boundaries, regarding her behaviour. He sounds like a good’un.

churchthecat · 13/05/2019 09:24

So what's the problem?

Weepingwillows12 · 13/05/2019 09:28

How long have you been excluded for? Could it be chance and you are over analysing? Why don't you do an event and invite them and see whether they come?

Original poster
TeaCakes05 · 13/05/2019 09:35

Actually, what I originally asked about, is.
Will being left out of events and outings be a permanent thing? Its been going on for weeks now.
Do you reckon its best to keep my distance till things settle down?
Should I speak to my partners parents myself? Should he? I don't want my relationship with them to suffer because their Daughter. If I was to mention it. How can I not come across as bad mouthing their Daughter but not ignore the fact her behaviour is not okay.

I am not looking for validation. I do not need that. There is nothing wrong with me asking for respect and not accepting bad behaviour in my home.

Thanks

OP posts:
TixieLix · 13/05/2019 09:49

Why don't you go with your DP when he visits his parents? Have they actually said you're not welcome in their house or are you only allowed to visit if you have been specifically invited?