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Original poster

Is this really unreasonable? (Dh seeing to himself. )

39 replies

Alondonleerie · 23/01/2019 23:30

NC because I know dh has seen previous threads.

I've posted about problems with dh and porn before in other threads, this is no longer an issue as the addiction has been dealt with, the conversations had, etc. To be clear, according to him, he did not use it in order to have a wank, he enjoyed the sexual thrill it gave him to look, many times a day. So this current issue is not related to views on or use of porn.

In those threads, I had been accused of controlling his masturbation. Which clearly is not the case, if he wasn't using it for this purpose.

Dh has always stated he had a higher sex drive, not the case, but at the time he started using this excuse I had birth injuries, small DC over a period of many years, him working away a lot and expecting me to be interested all the time as soon as he was home. Without effort on his part, to make the workload less, or me feel valued, etc.

This has led to the current issue of him seeing to himself, which means come bedtime, he's done and nothing is going to happen. I partly understand the problem, as he's tired from work and maybe can't be bothered interacting with me, but it's meant that there's no spontaneity anymore, as he can't 'rise to the occasion' twice a day anymore. DC are still young and in the house, so we can not be spontaneous earlier in the day. Don't even feel like it at the point. If something is suggested for later, chances are he's too tired by bedtime, so nothing happens. Then he'll sort himself in the shower the next day, problem starts again.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop?

OP posts:
whiteworld · 23/01/2019 23:34

Well, ffs of course YANBU to ask him to stop wanking so he has the energy to have sex with you, his wife...

Jeeeeeeez. If he’s prioritising wanking over sex with you, that’s s really sad and shit for you. You have the right to ask your h to have sex with you.

He clearly has the desire ... but does he want you, or imaginary wank fodder?

whiteworld · 23/01/2019 23:34

I do sympathise, op. I’m angry at your h, not at you.

OliveFetaTomato · 23/01/2019 23:34

You want him to stop masturbating ever just in case you might fancy a shag sometimes, and he’s only allowed to be horny at the exact moment that you are and perform on demand

Yabvvvvvvvvvvvu

Queenofthedrivensnow · 23/01/2019 23:36

One of those threads makes me feel grateful to be single! I think you're both unreasonable. But mostly him it's very selfish and weird and transactional

Guavaf1sh · 23/01/2019 23:43

It’s fine to masturbate but if it’s interfering with your sex life then there is a problem. It does sound here as if there are deeper issues though and this is the symptom and not the disease

surlycurly · 23/01/2019 23:48

My ex was like this. It hurt and offended me all the time and left me virtually sexless. He has to stop it, at least until you two can sort things out!

SkinnyPete · 23/01/2019 23:48

You have the right to ask your h to have sex with you.

Imagine the patriarchal hell fire that would have been whipped up if this was the other way around.

BeekyChitch · 23/01/2019 23:57

Confused as to why he can't 'perform' if he masturbates once/twice in the day? Masturbating is surely nothing like the real thing? Seems as though there are underlying reasons. However, I think YABU to ask him to stop masturbating.

showmeshoyu · 24/01/2019 00:01

So he masturbates once a day in a morning because you can't have sex in the morning when maybe he's horny? Even if he didn't, he might be too tired on an evening. I don't think having a morning wank in the shower is your problem here. Also, some men prefer not to go to work all hot under the collar and it's much more comfortable for them to not have that to contend with in the office.

pallisers · 24/01/2019 00:06

Also, some men prefer not to go to work all hot under the collar and it's much more comfortable for them to not have that to contend with in the office.

Are you for real?????

showmeshoyu · 24/01/2019 00:08

Are you for real?????
Yes, some people find it very distracting, I hear. It's a bodily function.

GiraffePanda · 24/01/2019 00:10

Suggest you take up daily wanking too OP. Let him know what an amazing time you're having. I reckon he'd get involved in no time.

Bouledeneige · 24/01/2019 00:15

Sorry he cant rise to the occasion twice a day anymore? This all sounds weird.

I sort of think that sex with a real human being is better than a wank. But what do I know?

pallisers · 24/01/2019 00:20

Yes, some people find it very distracting, I hear. It's a bodily function.

you didn't say people. You said men. Men need to masturbate so they can concentrate on work - right. explains a lot.

NotTheFordType · 24/01/2019 00:24

I think it would be unreasonable to "tell" him to stop. I think you need a real cards on the table talk about how you feel the lack of sex is driving a wedge between you. You are going to end up being housemates who share a bed if things don't change.

Does he have any underlying health issues? If he's under, say, 60 then I would expect a morning wank to have no impact on a potential evening shag.

showmeshoyu · 24/01/2019 00:32

Men need to masturbate so they can concentrate on work
It beats having to remain seated in meetings or wandering around clasping a notepad near your crotch, I guess?

I didn't say need, I said prefer. This is a matter of comfort and their own bodily functions. It's not like I said they absolutely must be sucked off by a pornstar while snorting coke off a clown's bone before every single board meeting. I'm not sure why you find somebody's (and given the man was the subject of the conversation, I have no idea why you decided to pick on the use of the word people, unless you're just looking for reasons to be argumentative) bodily comfort so bewildering/transgressive.

MitziK · 24/01/2019 00:37

I think it's an unfortunate consequence of not being able to have sex for an extended period of time - it happens to women as well, where they might have been very upset by the lack of it to then have trouble 'switching on' when their partner gets their drive back, as they've got used to ignoring any urges. Bed has become somewhere to sleep, a partner has become somebody they sleep next to and don't touch, orgasm has become something that happens alone.

Whatever the reason for it, perceived rejection hurts and that takes time to get over, whoever it is - male or female.

pallisers · 24/01/2019 00:42

it is really interesting seeing your view of men and sexual impulses and how people manage them in the workplace showme And I genuinely don't mean that sarcastically.

I am not meaning to be argumentative. I just find (as a 50something year old woman who has worked for 30 plus years, most of them years in which I had a high sex drive as did dh) that the idea men - or women - couldn't work without masturbating bizarre. especially if that masturbation would affect them having sex with their wives.

I am trying to imagine a situation in which dh said "well I'd far prefer to wait till tonight and have actual sex with my wife but I couldn't possibly concentrate unless I take the edge off so I guess that's it" bizarro world - as so much of MN is to all of us.

ILoveChristmasLights · 24/01/2019 00:45

YWBU to tell him he has to stop, YWNBU if you were to tell him that you are fed up with the lack of sex in your relationship and ask what you can both do to get things on track.

YABU to actually believe the porn has nothing to do with this.

...and if he’s under 60 (as Ford said) it is either crap or needs investigating that a morning wank means he’s physically unable to rise to the occasion by the evening, disinterest in bothering is a different thing.

showmeshoyu · 24/01/2019 00:55

couldn't work without masturbating
Thanks for clarifying! From some discussions I've had, it has not even been the sexual impulse in the conscious mind as much as not wanting to pop random, involuntary erections at work. Granted, I'd imagine that's much less likely with somebody over the age of 30. However, I can't imagine even the most exhibitionist of men would choose to display a stonk-on in the middle of a meeting about reordering office supplies, and having witnessed it and the subsequent blushes, I'm sure the struggle is somehow real.

But in OPs case, maybe it is more that he's gotten out of practice and/or he's an "early riser" rather than a night owl.

pallisers · 24/01/2019 01:36

You've actually seen young men - like more than one - have erections in office meetings and look uncomfortable ???

Wow. I can see why you have your point of view.

WarmthAndDepth · 24/01/2019 01:48

Wooooo, I am snurking so hard I'm actually weeping into my duvet. Thank you, this is priceless.

Bookfour · 24/01/2019 05:13

There is a great sketch on Big Train about men masturbating in the office. It's well worth a watch, but doesn't really help answer the question.

Sadiesnakes · 24/01/2019 05:43

If wanking interferes with actual sex with a real life person it's a huge problem.
I'd also be very skeptical he's not watching porn. Unless you know for sure when he's wanking and has no access to the internet at that time I wouldn't believe abit of it.
It's rare a man will prioritize wanking with his imagination to sex unless there's significant problems in his relationship.
Yanbu to ask him not stop in order to address your lack of sex life.
Tbh he sounds like too hard work, pity there's kids involved.

Cambionome · 24/01/2019 05:43

Brutally honest - it really doesn't sound as if he is interested in you sexually. First he has an "addiction" to porn, then he can't manage sex with you and wanking so he prioritises the wanking.

I would ask you why you are setting the bar so low in this relationship.