Is this really unreasonable? (Dh seeing to himself. )

[Alondonleerie]

NC because I know dh has seen previous threads.

I've posted about problems with dh and porn before in other threads, this is no longer an issue as the addiction has been dealt with, the conversations had, etc. To be clear, according to him, he did not use it in order to have a wank, he enjoyed the sexual thrill it gave him to look, many times a day. So this current issue is not related to views on or use of porn.

In those threads, I had been accused of controlling his masturbation. Which clearly is not the case, if he wasn't using it for this purpose.

Dh has always stated he had a higher sex drive, not the case, but at the time he started using this excuse I had birth injuries, small DC over a period of many years, him working away a lot and expecting me to be interested all the time as soon as he was home. Without effort on his part, to make the workload less, or me feel valued, etc.

This has led to the current issue of him seeing to himself, which means come bedtime, he's done and nothing is going to happen. I partly understand the problem, as he's tired from work and maybe can't be bothered interacting with me, but it's meant that there's no spontaneity anymore, as he can't 'rise to the occasion' twice a day anymore. DC are still young and in the house, so we can not be spontaneous earlier in the day. Don't even feel like it at the point. If something is suggested for later, chances are he's too tired by bedtime, so nothing happens. Then he'll sort himself in the shower the next day, problem starts again.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop?

I think YABU to ask him to stop masturbating.

But YANBU at all to ask him to address your sexless relationship. The two may not be inextricably linked. The issues are probably deeper more about your relationship. As pp said, the symptom not the disease.

warmth glad you're getting a laugh but of it

Yes, he's getting on a bit, has high blood pressure, has to get up early for work etc, so is usually tired by bedtime. Had an episode of ED last year when I apparently had put a bit of pressure on about the lack of interesting sex, as it was all very quick, when we did actually get to it. We'd talked about it quite a bit when he was away for a long period last time, and said we'd make more effort o. The weekend, he has since said that hasn't happened because it's a lot of effort or preparation, or the kids are just down the hall...
I don't know when he actually does it! But he has said he foes in the shower, so it's either on a morning or an evening before bed some time.

And if it's so unreasonable, what else am I supposed to do? Be satisfied with a boring experience every so often and think myself lucky?

No, you talk some more. About what else needs changing.

And I really don't think it's anything to do with porn. He def wasn't wanking everytime he looked before.
I was under the impression that with his being tired and getting older with BP meds etc that was why he wasn't 'interested' more than once a day, if that. I know we all have days we just don't fancy it and I don't have a problem with that. My problem is if I try and initiate things and he's not interested because he's already done it. No spontaneity, nothing ever happens past a quick, no frills experience, late at night, on the occasions he hasn't. Despite him having told me a while back all the stuff he'd like to do, and that he'd make more effort at weekends.

Just to clarify, I dont expect to have sex every day, but I do expect to be able to have less perfunctory and more spontaneous sex, especially as we have already spoken about it and he said he'd make more effort.

Wow. I can see why you have your point of view.
I have that point of view, and having had to get a bit closer than I'd like to plug in a laptop charger, the view was pointy.

You have the right to ask your h to have sex with you.

Imagine the patriarchal hell fire that would have been whipped up if this was the other way around.

Why, pete? I didn't say she had the right to have sex with her h; I said she had the right to ask.

@showmeshoyu
Well, you live and learn.

How old is he? I’d have thought after a morning wank he’d still be able to get it
Up in evening, hours later, now and then.

I don’t think you can tell him to stop but you could certainly tell him that his doing it means you aren’t doing it as a couple anymore. That it would be nice to see more action.

If he doesn’t get the hint go buy a nice little vibrator and when he claims to he too tired get it out and seeto yourself. Make it obvious. He’ll get the hint, quite possibly feel turned on enough to assist and certainly makes the point.

YABU. You can’t tell him to stop. You just sound incompatible

I wonder if he’s being a bit passive aggressive here, OP? You called him out on the porn and have expressed dissatisfaction with the quality and quantity of sex he has with you - maybe his “revenge” - subconscious or otherwise - is to withhold sex completely and demonstrate that he prefers masturbation to having sex with you?
Whether this is the reason or not, I think you both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about how you turn this around. You should listen to each other, be non confrontational, but simply state what you would like to change and how you would like your sex life to be in future.
I think the bp medication is a bit of a red herring, btw- usually if it’s causing ED it doesn’t just affect sex but masturbation also. Even so, if he’s on a beta blocker, it would be worth discussing with his GP if a change would be helpful, as these may well cause him more bother as he gets older.

Totally agree with @Karigan195
Get the rabbit out, bloody tease him with it and watch him "get it up"!
He should understand you've got needs too and you're not being unreasonable!

A guy was masturbating in our office toilet regularly. That or he was just in there making loud orgasm noises. I’ve found myself distracted on very rare occasions in work over the years so have masturbated then been able to focus. I’m a woman.