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Original poster

Can't seem to find a man to fancy

30 replies

toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 12:51

Absolutely terrified of ended up alone because despite being in quite a few long term relationships over the years - trying to give it a go with men I don't fancy but hoping it'd develop - I've realised it is very important to have that spark. But I've only ever had it with two men my entire life.

I'm approaching mid 30s and petrified of the pressure of finding that special someone - with that spark - in the next few years to settle down with. Maybe it won't happen? So should I settle?

Please help?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 08/12/2018 12:53

Do you fancy women more?

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 12:55

NotTheFordType Unfortunately not. My taste in men is quite specific. And the two I fell for were twats. Sigh.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 08/12/2018 13:18

What’s your specific taste?

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 14:12

TatianaLarina Tends to be dark, taller men who are sporty and have a bit of an eccentricity about them. I like men who dress smart. I can't help it. I've tried dating all sorts of other men and even formed relationships where I thought the spark could grow. Found out it doesn't. Really at a loss as to what to do. I see others who jump from one relationship to the next. Woman my age who are on second marriages. I can't even find one to be happy with!

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 08/12/2018 15:20

So if you know what you want, why don't you go online and date such people? The criteria is pretty loose so I think you can find a good selection of tall dark sporty men.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2018 15:36

It sounds like you’re going a bit on appearance over personality hence ending up with twats.

It’s not true you can’t help who you fancy, you can educate your own taste.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2018 15:41

That’s not the same as hoping for a spark with someone you don’t have one with.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 15:46

TatianaLarina I've tried :( For five years or so, I dated men who I liked the look of, but didn't fancy, and got along with very well. It just didn't work for me. I need to fancy the person. But I just don't fancy many men.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 08/12/2018 16:02

Like I said there’s no point dating people you don’t fancy. Of course you need to fancy them. But you can change what you you’re drawn to.

Bald fact is if you don’t you’ll end up with a dark haired twat.

maximumcarnage · 08/12/2018 16:07

Not sure what you’re worried about. You could meet the right guy any time. Whilst out shopping. At a party. Paying a bill. Why work yourself up over it?

Okay. Worst case scenario. You never meet a guy that flicks your switch. So what? Your life having meaning doesn’t rely on a guy. If you’re lonely go out and socialise. Take up a hobby. Indulge in the things you enjoy out of life. Heck. Go buy a cat. Or a dog. Or eat cake. I really like cake. Or cheesecake.

cleanhousewastedlife · 08/12/2018 16:15

I thought I fancied muscular, dark artistic men. I married a blonde scientist Grin I'm glad I have him a try!

DianaT1969 · 08/12/2018 16:24

Do you know where this attraction stems from? Did your first boyfriend or father look like this? A sports holiday in Italy when you were seventeen?😊
Knowing the source might break the spell. Even if you find a tall, muscular, sporty, dark man, chances are he won't stay that way past 50...

Rosielily · 08/12/2018 16:43

Absolutely terrified of ended up alone

  • why? Better off on your own than settling with just anyone. As another poster indicated, there is nothing wrong with singledom, think of the freedom to make your own choices, and eat cake!
HockStock · 08/12/2018 16:49

Don't settle.

The problem I find is that men are socialised to be quite selfish towards women. There is a small pool of decent men, out of those men who are available, you will have mutual attraction with a tiny amount.

maximumcarnage · 08/12/2018 16:51

Hey! I resent that remark. I’m not selfish. Much. A little. Sometimes. Often. Hmm

HockStock · 08/12/2018 17:12

I am allowed to express an opinion based on my observations and life experience.

maximumcarnage · 08/12/2018 17:13

I’m only joking Wink

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/12/2018 17:23

Hey! I resent that remark. I’m not selfish. Much. A little. Sometimes. Often.

She's right though. Everyone is naturally selfish to a degree. However, men tend to feel entitled to have their selfishness tolerated and accepted whilst women are socialised to be men-pleasers. A sweeping generalisation and of course there are exceptions but the true judges of whether we are amongst the exceptions are the women in our lives and not ourselves. If we want better for our daughters we need to recognise that we are part of the problem before we can be part of the solution.

CarlsRightEye · 08/12/2018 17:27

Don't worry, I'm 40 next year and been single for over 10 years! Maybe our mr rights are hiding somewhere together haha xx

Sethis · 08/12/2018 17:28

Actively expand your potential pool of options.

Go to every single class at your local fitness centre, one or two per week. Lie shamelessly about intending to continue with the class while scoping out the blokes.

Go to sports practices, music events, art galleries, whatever. The point isn't to find a new hobby, the point is to be in a situation where you might see a man you like the look of and have a natural reason to strike up a conversation with him.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 22:30

Sethis I used to be very active when younger - men would look, but never talk to me. They still look now, but not very often - downside of being in your 30s! Besides, I've never had a boyfriend from meeting someone out and about - is that unusual? Online dating seems to be the way to go, but I'm quite put off - a friend made an observation that only the rejects are online! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 22:31

Agree about men being entitled to their selfishness. We have a long way to go for a fair society.

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 08/12/2018 22:31

DianaT1969 yes dad and first love both dark and tall and very handsome!

OP posts:
Sethis · 09/12/2018 01:07

They still look now, but not very often - downside of being in your 30s!

You do yourself a disservice! I'm a 31yr old bloke myself, and while I can tell you I absolutely check out women in their 20s, I wouldn't touch them with a 10ft pole when it comes to relationships. Too immature for the most part.

Also please remember that a lot of guys have taken the whole #metoo thing pretty seriously (yes, I know that's not the popular perception on MN) and are now a lot more wary about openly eyeing up a woman, or intruding in what they perceive as her privacy/space, so it may well be up to you to start the conversation!

Your friend is wrong that only the rejects are online. I met my DP who I plan to marry online, as did many others. There are a boatload of creeps out there, I'm afraid, but there are gems too if you look hard enough! Just cast as wide a net as possible if you're looking for a specific type of fish... Smile

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2018 10:06

yes dad and first love both dark and tall and very handsome!

So this is your template, and you’re looking for a carbon copy.

You need to widen and deepen who and what you find attractive.

Which is not the same thing as dating people you don’t find attractive.

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