Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it acceptable to stay out all night after an argument?

43 replies

sallyshowdog · 05/12/2018 19:07

When DP and I got together (4.5 years ago), he would often disappear when we argued. Just leave the house and come back the next day. I made it clear at the time that this was a dealbreaker for me, and he hadn't done it again since.

Until last month. He slept in his car in a lay-by all night after an argument, went to work, and then came home the next evening.

We have argued tonight on the phone, and he ended the call with "I don't want your dinner, see you tomorrow". Now won't answer phone or respond to texts. I suspect he will stay out all night again.

To me this is a horrible horrible example to set for DS aged 11. He is older now and aware of what's going on and it makes me feel like telling "D"P not to bother coming back ever!

Is this behaviour ever normal or acceptable?!

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 05/12/2018 19:11

No this isn't acceptable. If it truly a deal breaker like you say....

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 05/12/2018 19:31

Nope. Totally unacceptable. Fine to get a bit of space for an hour or two as long as you both know that’s what is happening. But in a committed adult relationship you both return home to sleep in the same bed. It’s a signal that despite arguments you’re still a team, you’re still together, you still want to be near each other.

A dealbreaker means you end the relationship if it happens though. If you stay with him given that he’s done this and seems to be planning to do it again, it’s not a dealbreaker and he’ll have learned that.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2018 19:36

This would absolutely, 100% be a deal breaker for me. Utterly pathetic behaviour and a horrible example for your son.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 05/12/2018 19:36

It’s also a terrible sign of his feelings for you if he’s doing this, he’s literally signalling that he would rather sleep next to a motorway then be anywhere near you. It shows contempt. I don’t think he’s as in love with you as you probably are him, he sounds like he has one foot out of the door. He’s obviously willing to risk the relationship ending if he knows this is apparently a dealbreaker and he’s doing it anyway.

It’s incredible immature and childish and unattractive too tbh, it’d really put me off a man if he behaved like this and was happy to purposefully let arguments drag on over days, wanted me to be alone in the bed knowing he wanted me far away from him. No matter what happens, as long as it’s not relationship ending fights like infidelity or lying or abuse, you get into bed together at the end of the day and show each other you’re in it together. He isn’t in this with you.

What were you fighting about?

ThePeachPit · 05/12/2018 19:46

Hmm, I think it depends on the argument to be honest. With my ex I went to stay at my parents a few times after arguments. Of course one of those times I didn’t go back.

But, he knew where I was and we both knew that when we seriously argued we needed time to cool off before we discussed it. I wouldn’t have gone over silly things either.

Original poster
sallyshowdog · 05/12/2018 19:57

It's a long story, but we arrange things that Wednesday nights are my night to go out and Thursday nights are his night to go out.

We have a dog, DS has SEN and I work full time. DP works full time and commutes too. I carry all the mental load for the household, I am the one who always needs to ferry to appointments, go to constant meetings with school and medical people, and worry about how long the dog has been alone etc. DP isn't DS' dad. So Wednesday nights are supposed to be my break from all that, from having to leave work bang on time, from having to come straight home and do dinner blah blah.

DP went to the pub after work rather than coming home tonight, as DS was ill and at home. So he thought as I was already home, he wouldn't bother rushing. So I got annoyed. And he isn't coming home by the looks of things!

OP posts:
BrioLover · 05/12/2018 19:59

I wouldn't want to deal with this kind of behaviour. It shows immaturity and a lack of respect that he won't come and be an adult and talk things out.

My DH can be very hot headed and often needs space if we disagree or argue. However he always tells me where he is going and for how long - if we argue in the evening then he will sleep on the sofa if he needs to sleep on it. Even with that though he is never uncontactable and if I need to talk it through more he is respectful of that too.

You said it was a dealbreaker before. And you're right it's a horrid example to set for your DS.

I wonder if by doing this he is trying to push you to breaking up with him so you are the 'bad guy' and he can play the victim...

BrioLover · 05/12/2018 20:01

So he decided that you didn't need a break today and that he'd go out without saying anything? That's very shitty. Especially as it's your evening off as it were and you probably just want to get in the bath and to bed after dealing with your ill DS.

Kittykat93 · 05/12/2018 20:03

What a pathetic sulker. I couldn't put up with this.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2018 20:03

Didn't you say this was a dealbreaker ?

He broke the deal. So what now ?

Sausagefingers9 · 05/12/2018 20:06

It’s definitely an extreme reaction to an argument. When me and dh argue we just sulk in separate rooms for a bit and talk about it later.

Are you happy? Do you feel it’s a happy relationship?

category12 · 05/12/2018 20:07

No, it's not acceptable. Tell him not to come back.

BifsWif · 05/12/2018 20:10

Not even close to acceptable.

Why are you putting up with it?

MayFayner · 05/12/2018 20:11

Seems to me he engineered the argument so as to have an excuse to stay out.

category12 · 05/12/2018 20:12

Are you sure he was in his car in a lay-by? It's getting pretty cold at night for that kind of malarkey.

Dirtybadger · 05/12/2018 20:23

I slept in my car last night and it's cold, but I don't think if he was prepared that it's that unlikely. I was fine once asleep. If he didn't take warm clothes or duvets etc with him though then unless he came home with icicles on him it seems less likely!!

And as someone who does run away (granted from other people not my DP) to sleep in their car, I still think yes he is unreasonable here. You have a DC he needs to be around for and he solved swanning off and leaving you with DC by doing more of the same!!

lifebegins50 · 05/12/2018 20:34

I guess he really resents you having a night off and this is his petulant way of showing it.

He knows this will upset you and chooses not to care.

How long have you been together? Has there been changes in recent times?

cheapshots · 05/12/2018 20:52

I have an ex who used to cause arguments so he could clear off out with his OW. Don't rule this out

Original poster
sallyshowdog · 05/12/2018 21:06

He thinks him getting home at 7pm would have been fine for me going out. I don't want to go out at 7pm! I want to not be the one having to come straight home from work for once. But I'm apparently making a big deal out of everything.

Why do I put up with it? Because when it's good it's really good. Because I'm scared breaking up would be the wrong choice. Because my son doesn't deal well with change. And if I'm really honest because I can't afford the house and bills on my own and on top of that I'm at risk of losing my job.

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 21:19

You knew what he was like from the beginning so...

Original poster
sallyshowdog · 05/12/2018 21:33

That's not really fair. If someone is a gambling addict, you let them know it's a dealbreaker and they stop, does that mean it's ok if they start gambling again 3 years later?

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 21:36

each to their own but i wouldnt stay with a gambling addict... well what are you going to do now his gone back to his old ways?

Original poster
sallyshowdog · 05/12/2018 21:39

I'm in relationships not AIBU. If you want to be goady please go elsewhere.

And it's "he's gone" not "his".

OP posts:
redastherose · 05/12/2018 21:50

If you give an ultimatum then you have to be prepared to follow through. Perhaps you should make good on your threat and tell him not to come home until he leans he has to act like an adult instead of sulking and withdrawing to push the blame off onto you. He was a selfish dick and spoiled your evening off and did it on purpose! Do you want to spend the rest of your life together with him acting like a baby. Make a stand now or he will walk all over you forever.

lifebegins50 · 05/12/2018 22:01

To be fair 7pm may not be a deal breaker...but the issue is how it has escalated.

Does he drink regularly?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread