Is it acceptable to stay out all night after an argument?

[sallyshowdog]

When DP and I got together (4.5 years ago), he would often disappear when we argued. Just leave the house and come back the next day. I made it clear at the time that this was a dealbreaker for me, and he hadn't done it again since.

Until last month. He slept in his car in a lay-by all night after an argument, went to work, and then came home the next evening.

We have argued tonight on the phone, and he ended the call with "I don't want your dinner, see you tomorrow". Now won't answer phone or respond to texts. I suspect he will stay out all night again.

To me this is a horrible horrible example to set for DS aged 11. He is older now and aware of what's going on and it makes me feel like telling "D"P not to bother coming back ever!

Is this behaviour ever normal or acceptable?!

Haha mature! not, obviously an error. You are obviously not going
to leave him so stay with him and continue to moan, put up or shut up!

No I don't want to live like this at all.

He goes to the pub between once a week and once a fortnight. Works in London so drinks after work are very much part of the culture, which is fine by me, but not when it gets in the way of family life or reneging on an arrangement we have...

It's not how often he goes out or whether it's his work culture or whatever it's a basic lack of respect for you. You ask for one night and he chose to go out even though he knew he could go out the next night without inconveniencing you. Not only that but instead of accepting he'd been a selfish dick he runs away presumably because he expects you to beg him to come home and accept that you were wrong for calling him out on his dickish behaviour. He is telling you how little he thinks of you and that he thinks he can carry on with this sort of behaviour and you will continue to accept it. Only you know if you want to continue with a relationship with someone who treats you like this.

I'm in relationships not AIBU. If you want to be goady please go elsewhere.

And it's "he's gone" not "his".

Starting to see why this guy might have wanted to sleep in the car.

Basque that particular user comes on here expecting help with a zillion problems and then when someone is here asking for help gives brusque and abrupt replies in return.

Well from the looks of it, he's happy to maintain control over his movements, and by extension, control over your movements as well. I.e. if he stays out, he KNOWS you have to stay in.

Do you have a separate key for the front and back door, assuming you live in a house and not a flat? If so, then I would leave the front door locked with your own key half-turned on the inside so he can't enter, and use the back door to enter or leave. That gives you control over whether he can get into the house or not, which should pull him up from his sulk sharpish and force a discussion over how unreasonable it is for him to do the same to you, because he's trapping you just as effectively when he refuses to come home.

Of course that's only a decent suggestion if you're sure that this is not actually a relationship-ending argument.

I'd be petty and start a new rule along the lines of, if he flounces, he has to stay away for twice as long as his last little jaunt. Double, or quits.
But to be honest, I think you should dump him.

It is a deal breaker but the only time I've heard of this is when the female was being very emotionally abusive I'm not saying you are. Wait until you are both in a good mood and things have settled and explain why it is unacceptable and how it makes you feel.

What he did is totally unacceptable. I would uphold it as a deal breaker. I hate this kind of power play, as it shows a total lack of respect. As you say, it's setting a terrible example for your son.

Sally,

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but whatever. This was not the 1st time he's left like this. Have you ever asked him why he does it? What is his rational for it? If he can't give you a 100% legit reason for doing it, then that is how I would proceed with starting to restore faith in him and how he deals with disagreements.

It's a power thing isn't it? He likes knowing that you are marooned with your DC waiting for him to come home while he is pushing all the buttons and is free to do what he wants. It is pretty manipulative and contemptuous in my view.

I highly doubt he is sleeping in his car either.

The thing is, he has shown that he cannot maintain his 'non-flouncing', and so unfortunately that's the man you are stuck with. Or not, because you could end it. So why would this not be a dealbreaker now, when it was before?

And if you do stay, having made it clear this behaviour was once a dealbreaker, he will realise that it is no longer a dealbreaker, and he'll do it more. Is that how you want to live?

"Why do I put up with it? Because when it's good it's really good. Because I'm scared breaking up would be the wrong choice. Because my son doesn't deal well with change. And if I'm really honest because I can't afford the house and bills on my own and on top of that I'm at risk of losing my job".

You've landed yourself with a selfish shit for a partner.

Why are you at risk of losing your job?.

Unfortunately none of the above are actually good enough reasons to stay with him. Why would breaking up with him be the wrong choice for you and your child?. What do you want to teach your child about relationships here and just what is he learning from the two of you?.

I also doubt very much that he is sleeping in his car.

Is he really sleeping in his car at this time of year? It's been below freezing the past few nights

More likely he has a soft landing elsewhere

Yes he really did sleep in his car on the recent night. Embarrassingly, my friend drove past and saw his car there. It's only a quarter of a mile from our house.

Were you shouting at him?

This is exactly what was happening to a friend of mine... Turned out he was in the beginnings of an affair and was trying to make it as if she was driving him to it with his over the top reactions to simple questions