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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate my in-laws after infedelity

30 replies

babycow38 · 05/12/2018 00:39

Just that, they have always come down on his side even though they know he had an affair and broke my heart and my children, we are back together but hate them for their lack of support, I was with him 21 years

OP posts:

DDIJ · 05/12/2018 00:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/12/2018 00:42

If you’ve taken him back, maybe they’ve taken their cue from you?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2018 02:31

Don't be angry with them because you chose to take him back. You supposedly forgave him, why shouldn't they? It seems as though you want them to punish him on your behalf when you chose not to.

Who are you REALLY angry at? Your husband or yourself?

Klobuchar · 05/12/2018 02:35

Maybe they are trying to respect your choice to stay with him?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 05/12/2018 02:39

How can you expect them to support you against their son? Most wouldn't, although I'd like to believe I would treat my son with the disdain he deserved. If you forgive him, let it all go

Littlelambpeep · 05/12/2018 02:44

I think you are directing your anger at them and holding a grudge with them when they were the ones who caused all of this pain for you. Of course they are going to take sides with their son - they are his parents.

I wouldn't try and deal with the pain he caused not his parents

Birdie6 · 05/12/2018 03:10

So you've forgiven him but you expect other people not to ? Come on.

Notacluethisxmas · 05/12/2018 04:17

You aren't mad at them. You are mad at him. You are redirecting that anger at them so that you can be back together with him.

You need to face up to the fact that he is one that fucked up. He is the one that hurt you. He is the one that put and them in an impossible position.

You need to face your new reality.

blackcat86 · 05/12/2018 04:28

The infidelity isn't their fault and supporting their son doesn't mean they care for their DGCs any less. Despite being adults, in healthy families, our parents will always want to support us even when we do something wrong. He's cheated and that's crappy but he didn't kill a man. He's still first and foremost their son. Stop expecting others to hate him as much as you do you. your anger and hurt should be solely directed at him.

Alfie190 · 05/12/2018 04:31

You are being very unfair. He is their relative and you have forgiven him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2018 04:52

I think you need to post more information. In what way were they siding with him and therefore against you? Nasty to / about you? Pressuring you? Or just being parents, who are struggling with the situation?

Prestonsflowers · 05/12/2018 04:54

You are being totally unfair. It was your choice to reconcile with your unfaithful husband, if you have forgiven him why shouldn’t they.
As pp have said who are you really angry with.
I’ve seen a lot of PIL bashing on here but this is pretty low

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 05/12/2018 05:42

I read this as being lack of support from them during the entire time not just since you’re back together. If this is the case I understand as it must have hurt that they sided with him when you found out etc. In contrast to your partner who, I hope has grovelled, asked for forgiveness etc, I imagine they’ve never said anything about how sorry they are about his behaviour?

KanielOutis · 05/12/2018 06:18

Your PIL have done nothing wrong. They didn't have an affair. They didn't break your trust and hurt you. This is all on your partner.

Baking101 · 05/12/2018 06:21

They will support him he is their son. You took him back too, so they will assume you forgave him.

Grobag369 · 05/12/2018 06:26

It’s a bit harsh on OP. She just expected more from them and feels let down. It’s understandable.

Notacluethisxmas · 05/12/2018 07:06

She just expected more from them and feels let down. It’s understandable.

More let down by her in laws than she does her cheating husband?

TheBigBangRocks · 05/12/2018 07:11

He is their son, they would always side with him it's only natural.

Why are you angry with them for choosing to support their own son yet willing to take back the cheat?

SillySallySingsSongs · 05/12/2018 07:13

So you've forgiven him but you expect other people not to

Exactly. You are being very unfair.

Feb2018mumma · 05/12/2018 07:17

My dad had an affair and his mum was on our side til the mistress found out she was pregnant and she didn't need us as grandchildren anymore! Heartbreaking but mothers are going to pick their sons over anything.

HugeAckmansWife · 05/12/2018 07:18

Bit harsh here. If she was with him for 25 years she will likely have her own relationship with them as people in their own right, not just as grandparents or in laws. Yes they likely won't 'choose' her over him but without details it's hard to know exactly what the issue is. Maybe they are just expecting her to go on as before and whilst she might have taken him back she might like some acknowledgement that he did a shitty thing.

The pp saying what about the husband.. This post is about the in laws, doesn't mean there's no issue with the husband but this post is about the in laws.. Its not like you can only have one problem at a time. Op is choosing to ask about In laws, dismissing that because she 'ought' to be more cross with her husband isn't helpful. I've no doubt she is!

Ceilingrose · 05/12/2018 07:24

Fed2018, your grandmother is a selfish cow.

brookshelley · 05/12/2018 07:27

OP you're getting a rough ride.

I can imagine if the PILs blamed you for their son's infidelity, you would still be angry - even if you have forgiven your husband. Because your husband maybe has taken responsibility, maybe you've done counselling, etc. PILs are a different story and I can quite easily think of scenarios in which you'd still have angry feelings towards them that haven't been resolved.

Whocansay · 05/12/2018 07:46

You are angry with the wrong people.

He's a cheat. You took him back. You now need to move forward.

Mossend · 05/12/2018 07:52

I think the person you should be angry at is him not them.
If you've chosen to take him back you have obviously chosen to forgive him, if they didn't also it would make things very awkward

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