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Original poster

Would you believe this letter from a narc dm?

46 replies

TeatimeTolly · 10/08/2018 20:13

Received from my narc dm I cut off years ago:

Dear Tolly

It is now several years since things finally came apart between us and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about you.
I can't undo what has gone, but I am really sorry. I love you and miss you dearly and would give anything to have you back in my life.
I continue to hope that one day you may feel able to get in touch so that we might be able to try and build bridges.
Love as always
dm

What do you think? Is she really able to listen & look at herself now? Would I be making the biggest mistake of my life? I've not missed the time slip by but I would like some answers.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/08/2018 20:15

Obviously DM hasn't been able to move on...

Namethecat · 10/08/2018 20:18

You have to do what is best for you. A reconnection is a two way thing.

testingmitb · 10/08/2018 20:19

She doesn't say what she is sorry for, only that she is sorry. So does that mean she is sorry your are no longer in touch, or sorry for the things that she (I guess) did to precipitate such a move on your behalf. There is no indication on any insight on her part as to where she believes the fault to lie (you or her). Or am I being too simplistic in my reading? Either way, I'd be very very wary.

MoMandaS · 10/08/2018 20:22

I'd just like to point out that there's no acknowledgement of her part in anything, no acceptance of blame in that letter. Carefully worded, but the 'I am sorry' relates to 'what has gone', not what she did or how she was.

MsOliphant · 10/08/2018 20:24

I'd be very suspicious.

heartsease68 · 10/08/2018 20:25

No, I think the intended meaning is she's sorry for the things she can't undo, i.e., actions she's acknowledging were by her.

You can't know if she's gained insight from this letter. You can't know if the humility and regret are real or feigned. You can't know if she's hiding anger.

But the letter itself reads well and if you'd like answers, could an hour in a counsellor's office together hurt?

numptynuts · 10/08/2018 20:26

Sorry is a big word for a narc. However, you just can't trust them and do they ever change?

Be careful OP Thanks

Original poster
TeatimeTolly · 10/08/2018 20:43

I am quite sure that she thinks I probably just lost my marbles one day & cut her off. There was no big fight. I just told her on the phone to leave me alone & I hung up. I changed the phone number and never answered my mail.

OP posts:
fc301 · 10/08/2018 20:49

I had a similarly lovely letter from my enabler M. Sadly it absolutely did not acknowledge ANY of my Ds appalling behaviour.
So nice to receive but didn't actually move us any further forward.
You could either
A) acknowledge it as a thoughtful olive branch, or
B) read it as 'I'm sorry you flipped your lid for no reason, presumably you have got over yourself now so I can get what I need'
We can't say which it is, but you will have a sense of it.

stuckficks · 10/08/2018 20:51

My mother does this, I've been taken in by it twice and had to break off all contact again as she hadn't changed at all and still ran me into the ground (claimed to be in the process of killing herself because I wouldn't give her more ways to contact me, she had my home phone and email but that wasn't enough among many, many other things and a childhood of abuse and neglect)
I went scorched earth - replied to an awful email blaming me for everything wrong in her life with a list of home truths and then killed my email account. I'll never have a relationship with her again.
If she's narcissistic you're unlikely to see a change in her - they're very good at appearing to understand their failings and then not giving a fig about your feelings once you're hooked back in. You know best though.

fontofnoknowledge · 10/08/2018 21:02

I think it reads well and sounds genuine. We can all give opinions based on written words but they will all be based on projections of our own experience.

The only way to know is to see the person who is delivering these words. You can tell nothing without the added inflection of voice, mannerisms and body language. If they don't all add up to equal the quality of the words you will know.

Aussiebean · 10/08/2018 21:03

It’s the lack of any acknowledgement of why you went NC that makes me question the sincerity.

GirlInTheDirtyShirt · 10/08/2018 21:05

I’ve had similar letters/emails, worded scarily the same. I think there’s a script they follow - playing nice (but giving no ground) in the hopes you’ll come back and give them back their narc supply. NC means NC, don’t let the FOG pull you back in.

Redteapot67 · 10/08/2018 21:06

Shes your mother - I think you owe her the chance to meet up and talk.
I would suggest a coffee in a neutral place and you must talk through how you’d want any relationship going forward to be - set boundaries about the things she did before that upset you. Make it clear to her from the outset that if she breeches this boundaries you’ll have to cut her off again.
People don’t change but they can remorseful and keep themselves in check if they love you.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/08/2018 21:30

If she really has changed, then it would be terrible shame to not give her a chance. There isn't much worse in life than losing a daughter or son.

But very few people go NC with their own mother lightly. You must have had very good reason. She might have changed, but she might not have too. What is your gut instinct?

It might be an idea to literally write down all the possible outcomes you can image - the best and the worst and everything in between. Write down your hopes and fears.

If you feel strong enough to cope with going NC again if things go wrong, then take the risk and contact her. Sometimes people do change.

thethoughtfox · 10/08/2018 22:59

That is not an apology or acceptance. This is a big trap. Narcs don't change; they can't. They don't have the self-awareness to accept their flaws in the first place.

Quangot · 10/08/2018 23:08

She says she would give anything. I think you could specify that she has therapy or that you see a counsellor together.

Stillme1 · 11/08/2018 01:08

I think it would have taken a lot of courage for the DM to have written to OP in that way. I wonder if the DM thought that DD would put the contents of a private letter on a public Website. It was a letter to OP not MN.
I don't agree with what the MN posters seem to think. That is that all narc mothers are bad and the daughters are perfect. Mothers are daughters and the daughters are now mothers.
The DM has taken the time and consideration to write to the DD who cut her off. That is bravery. It is only decent manners to respond to a letter. I am pretty sure that there would have been faults on both sides but it seems to me only the DM is being blamed here.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 11/08/2018 05:37

Interesting that she would give anything to “have you back in [her] life” - not to be a part of your life again.

Joysmum · 11/08/2018 06:54

The DM has taken the time and consideration to write to the DD who cut her off. That is bravery

I’m glad you don’t understand as it means you’ve not experienced it. This is a perfect example as to how people with good mums who have made occasional mistakes do think, and how they therefore blame the ‘child’ for overreacting, being difficult themselves, or making the wrong decision.

Do you think going NC is easy or done as a first response or a whim? It takes years to reach the NC stage and it’s really fucking hard and hurtful Sad

Those of us who are now NC, will see this wasn’t brave, it’s all about what the mother wants with no real understanding or consideration of what went before.

So the OP is faced with the decision whether to risk opening herself up to all that pain again to find out if her mother has really had an epiphany.

When people talk to me about my mother, they best they can come up with is ‘but it’s your mother’ When I break it down and ask why I deserve to be treated like XYZ (examples of some of the huge issues in the past) and all the resultant hurt, the answer is always that I don’t deserve it ‘but it’s your mother’. That doesn’t somehow make it all ok! When you ask if they think it likely that my mother won’t continue to act selfishly and hurt me, the answer is that she might, but when pushed they admit it’s very unlikely. So again I ask, ‘why do I deserve to be treated like that?’ The answer is that I don’t!

fuzzyfozzy · 11/08/2018 07:04

It is tricky, could you reply, with content relating to what happened. Her answers may be more decisive.

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/08/2018 07:45

finally came apart between us smacks of equal blame. Is that how you remember it?

You say you would like contact if it gives you answers. Do you think you will get answers?

You could respond with a short message saying "Thanks for your note. Why do you think things will be different now?"

Her response will tell you what you need to know.

Or, you could do what I do every now and then with my mother. Phone her. I can always tell within 15 minutes that she's as self-absorbed as ever. Then I back to NC. Can you easily cut her off again if it turns out she has not had a personality transplant?

ThriceThriceThice · 11/08/2018 08:06

I think it sounds dictated - as if she’s asked a friend how best to word it. It’s like a PR apology without actually apologising - you know “I am sorry for any offence that may have occurred”. I am sure there is a long history of unbearable actions for you to have gone NC. Do you think this letter addresses any of them?

Unless you have further information (e.g. that she has a genuine terminal illness or confirmation from other family members that she has changed in some way), I would be very wary OP.

Stillme1 · 11/08/2018 09:27

Joysmum I have had a lot of experience of quite nasty things but it was not my DM. I dont believe in the perfection of the daughter as mine are the nasty part of my life. I have been emotionally destroyed. I was told by DD that I was stupid and eventually came to believe that. Then I saw that I was only wanted for money or services when it suited them. I wised up and keep away. If they managed to make such a mess of me mentally and emotionally what are they doing to young and innocent children? There has even been physical abuse.
My view is therefore that DD can be as narc as the mothers talked about on MN. I am now starting to speak out.

Treacletoots · 11/08/2018 09:33

Been here. Done that. And second exactly what others have said. There's no acknowledgment as to what she's actually sorry for.

We have mine another chance and sure enough it took only days for her to be back to her usual abusive self. Again, the apology but not actually acknowledging what for and then ... Continuing to insult me because it was my fault.

Never ever again. In our case she just wanted access to DD, which now DH has said over our dead bodies and I'm 100% in agreement.

Be wary. Very wary.

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